I woke up sad today. Tried to explain to my husband that expression- waking up on the wrong side of the bed. But it doesn't really make sense because if there's no good reason to be sad, then why am I?
I sat down this afternoon to make a calendar page for November, looking through photos from South Africa. They rose up in me like a flood- nostalgia, love, sorrow, memories, aching. What hit me hardest was the fear. I remember today, not just in my mind but at the core of my heart, what it feels like to be a mom present with your child. Joy like I'd never known before, laughter and love so beautiful it made me cry just to look at him sometimes. Love too big for my little heart to hold, and it burst open and flooded and I remember the joy and the pain. I remember love at first sight, wonder and awe at knowing this little person had been entrusted to you. I remember feeling unworthy, incapable, weak, but oh so thankful for such a gift. This heart of mine remembers not just the good but the hard, the surrender and the separation and the mornings I woke up with tears still flowing.
So what do I fear? Maybe it's that things will be different. Will mother love come at first sight again? Will I be blessed twice with that much joy? With love that overflows? Do miracles happen twice over? Maybe I'm afraid that things will be the same, and maybe I don't have the courage to love that much again. To open my hands wide means receiving not just the gift of love and joy, but also the possibility of deep pain. I think motherhood must be the hardest and most beautiful risk we ever take. I want to love baby girl this way, full and empty. Surrendered and yet holding fiercely to joy and hope. I want to love with all of me, but tonight I'm just so small and afraid. Thanking my God that His love is courageous and knows no bounds. Might He bless me at the birth of baby girl with just an ounce of His courage.
Wait for the Lord,
be strong and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!