By Mary

We went out on Pastor Ken's boat yesterday. I was the only girl out of the seven of us and I had hours to think and to tell God my confusion, my hurt. I ache thinking of my sweet ones' abandonment. Of Warren's family falling apart before it ever formed. Of Nadia and Similo, written off before a week was out. Why would God let them go through that? What happened to the prayers I thought He'd granted? Why does it seem to have to be the innocent, the helpless and yes, the Godly, who suffer most? Do my prayers even matter?
I wonder...but it's habit really, those prayers. And Who else can I turn to? I feel confused and even let down but I can't say He's wrong. I can't question the goodness or love He's proven so often. I can't say He's powerless. I can't claim to have any other hope.
Now is the time we celebrate His love offering, His death for our lives. His resurrection for our victory. The foundation of my faith which should drive me to my knees and lift up my hands. I can't exchange that faith for the hurt that I feel.
Yesterday as we sped back to the docks the setting sun played in our wake and I watched a rainbow sparkle in the foam at my side. His rainbow. His covenants are lasting and His promises are true. He is faithful.

Blessed

By Mary

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

For they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

For they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

For they shall be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

For they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

For they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

For they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake,

For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

[life is not about us]

the left side of the road

I started driving again. I don't have many places to go, seeing as I am now a college dropout and have no job. But still, there's the occassional trip somewhere. Always its a battle of some sorts- to keep on the right side of the road. My mind always leads me right, but when I turn down the road to our house, my heart always turns the wheel tight so that I hug the left.

In my wallet, there's a $20 bill and an even smaller R20 note. The pocket for change is filled with South African coins, and a lone American quarter. In my bedroom sits an empty suitcase. I emptied it almost right away, but never found the willpower to actually carry it down the stairs.

Tonight my mom showed me the baby blanket she's been crocheting. It's almost finished. A beautiful brown pattern with a creme border. For her first grandson. (I know his name and the feel of his hand in mine. In my memory, I can hear his laugh and can trace the shape of the scar on his scalp). Tonight I have so many questions. All kept to myself because I've asked them so many times that by now I know that there won't be an audible answer. Tonight I am just empty, and I miss the left side of the road.

humidity, homeownership and a little thing called change

By Mary

People may think I'm making it up or hyper-sensitive, but I can feel the moisture creeping back into the air these days--just enough to lay like a think layer of lotion on my skin and make my crackers grow stale quicker. I'm not looking forward to the sticky heat of the summer months.

Our puppy is running around with a plastic cone around her neck, thunking into walls left and right because we had the audacity to get her "fixed". I feel horribly guilty. But she gets payback frequently by using the cone as a weapon, trotting around behind me and smacking my calves with it or slamming it into my face every time she tries to give out kisses.

When we moved into our house, my husband and I were warned that we'd be spending a lot of time at the home improvement store. And sure enough just about every weekend we're wandering through Lowes, thankful for their 10% military discount.

First we decided to paint the trim on our front door, to make it stand out more. Simple. I told my husband I'd get it done in an afternoon. So I taped and painted and let it dry and painted some more. And in the evening when we took it down we discovered firstly that I'm not very good at taping anything other than a straight line. And secondly either that the paint the builder used on the door was not very good quality or we didn't let our paint dry long enough--it started peeling off with the tape. But after about an hour of damage control, the door was done and doesn't look too shabby.

We have a little front yard nicely covered in grass slowly growing green again. And we decided we wanted our backyard to match, especially after all the winter days of Allie's wet and muddy paw prints tracking all through the house. We went to our trusty Lowes to pick up the seed, rakes, hose and sprinkler for taking care of the beautiful grass we intended to have.

"It's easy!" people say. Rake it up, throw it down, lightly cover, water and wait. Five steps. Can't be too hard. Our neighbor even let us borrow his seeder. So after 8 hours of raking, spreading and covering I watered religiously every morning to keep those little seeds of potential moist and ready to germinate at the proper moment. We kept the dog off of it and my flip flops were perpetually caked in mud from moving the sprinkler through the yard of nothing but dirt and grass seeds.

The first week passed with nothing but a possible few blades here and there (which might have simply been the product of our hopeful imaginations) We decided it must need the extra week and continued to wait (slightly less patiently) That was three weeks ago now and the only thing that seems to be growing out there is the dozens of dandelion weeds I keep pulling up.

Our indoor painting projects went better and we have successfully,-without too much mess or mistake-painted our living room, dining room and kitchen.

I don't mind changing things up. I like the newness. But I like doing it my way and having control. I don't like the way life sort of does it's own thing and you have to go along with it and make the most of what you're given. And what's hardest is caring so much about the very things you have to be separated from.

Following God can be costly--but laden with such rich blessings. Everytime I think things couldn't be more wonderful, He proves me wrong. And on the days when my heart is heavy and hurting this is my hope--He is life and I could never have anything more beautiful than Him.

enlarge my heart

by Alanna

The only prayer I could choke out on the airplane was this.
Enlarge my heart.

Somewhere on the way home, I realized what the difference is. When I'm in Africa, my heart aches for and longs for the people at home. But that heartache never stunts my love. I never have a hard time with the children, letting my heart open up with joy and laughter and love for them. Somehow I can miss home, grieve, and also rejoice. I can love with a full heart.

But somehow, when I come home, the grief cripples me. Last year I could never quite figure out how to rejoice well. I hurt of course. I missed them with all my heart. The same way I always miss my family when I am on African soil. But the hurting didn't end there. It took my whole heart away, and left an empty space where there should have been love and laughter.

My biggest fear in coming home this time, was the empty space. I feared the long lonely nights of dreaming about my children. Of my mind wandering in circles, unable to sleep and only able to cry. I was afraid of not knowing how to love well. So my prayer of the last months has been that God would keep me from this. That with His strength, He would keep my heart alive. That He would teach me how to love well. How to be "perplexed, but not despairing". I want to know how to grieve and to rejoice. I want these children to be a testimony to the power of love. Not that love cripples and makes your heart smaller. Not that the pain overwhelms you. Love should make your heart bigger, more capable of loving. Tonight I am hurting and all I can do is ask God to protect me from the sorrow that threatens to drown me.
To enlarge my heart.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.
For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an
eternal weight of glory
far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen,
but at the things which are not seen;
for the things which are seen are temporal,
but the things which are not seen are eternal."