by Alanna
Somewhere in the midst of changing 19 poos today, I realized that I have fallen absolutely and irrevocably in love. I see it a little more every day- it’s like a light in their eyes that draws me in. And I have these occasional moments where I can feel their footsteps sinking deeper into my heart. Like when Frank shouts to me at the dinner table, “I like you Alanna!” Or when Sandile tangles his sticky fingers into my hair. I feel it most of all when Solly presses his nose against mine and holds my face with his hand.
I want to tell the story of tonight, but not with eloquent words because I can’t find any now. Today was a normal day- eight hours with the Lions, and frequent kisses from my little boy when I passed him in the nursery. At book-reading time the Lions started asking again about their moms and dads. Strange how their hearts so yearn for something they’ve never known. Nadia looked at me with confidence in her eyes and said, “you’re gonna find me a new mommy and daddy.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. So sure, so trusting. If only I could be that way with my Father. Instead I cried because I didn’t know what to say. I cried because I want so much for them, and I’m powerless to give it. I cried in the dark as Josh sang hymns about the Love I ache for them to understand. When I went to kiss them goodnight, I whispered to Solly I love you, and he cupped his hand around my hear and said “God made me. God made you. God made me.” He said it four times before I understood. God was reminding me, using Solly’s mouth to tell me that He made each of them. He is not unaware. He loves Solly more than I’ll ever know how. He knows what He is doing. In my life and in theirs. Tonight I struggle to see it- sometimes I get lost in the love and pain and joy and hurt of it all. But tonight I am also reminded of the faithfulness of the God who made us.
I want to tell the story of tonight, but not with eloquent words because I can’t find any now. Today was a normal day- eight hours with the Lions, and frequent kisses from my little boy when I passed him in the nursery. At book-reading time the Lions started asking again about their moms and dads. Strange how their hearts so yearn for something they’ve never known. Nadia looked at me with confidence in her eyes and said, “you’re gonna find me a new mommy and daddy.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. So sure, so trusting. If only I could be that way with my Father. Instead I cried because I didn’t know what to say. I cried because I want so much for them, and I’m powerless to give it. I cried in the dark as Josh sang hymns about the Love I ache for them to understand. When I went to kiss them goodnight, I whispered to Solly I love you, and he cupped his hand around my hear and said “God made me. God made you. God made me.” He said it four times before I understood. God was reminding me, using Solly’s mouth to tell me that He made each of them. He is not unaware. He loves Solly more than I’ll ever know how. He knows what He is doing. In my life and in theirs. Tonight I struggle to see it- sometimes I get lost in the love and pain and joy and hurt of it all. But tonight I am also reminded of the faithfulness of the God who made us.
It's really weird to read my prayers from the past three days in narrative form. Like God was putting it in me to pray for you in these specific ways, while across the globe He was immediately doing these things. I praise HIM; YAHWEH is incredible!
ReplyDeleteTo God be all glory,
Lisa