He is worthy

by Alanna

three years ago, i met a little boy
in a tiled hallway in a children's home.
he was all bundled up in blankets,
and the girl holding him just showed me his face
they called him the little old man,
and i understood why
his face was tiny, frail;
he looked too old for himself
something in me lurched, and at the time
perhaps i didn't understand the significance
but it was something i had never felt before.
mother-love
because this was my first son

over the next four months
i spent precious moments with him
bathing him, wrapping him up warm
his tiny body was so fragile,
i was scared sometimes of breaking him
i sat in the rocking chair with him
and fed him milk from tiny bottles
he was so small for his three months, so sick
some people said that he wouldn't make it
i loved and prayed
and God answered
God grew him strong,
gave him the will to fight and then thrive

i said goodbye,
and for ten long months i loved across the ocean
i loved and prayed
and God answered
and when i returned i found not my tiny frail baby
but a strong little boy
the next six months with him were a gift
it makes me realize, even now
that so often we take time for granted
children are always a blessing, always a gift
but they are not always forever

leaving him again tore me in two
and for the next year and a half
i lived with my heart walking around
outside my body- 9,586 miles away
this time i did more than pray for him
i also walked out in hope and obedience
and begin the fight to bring him home
every time i felt like giving up
because all seemed hopeless,
God reminded me that our hope is in Him
and He asked me to keep hoping
to keep fighting
to trust Him

the biggest thing He ever asked me to do
was to surrender my son
i cried because i was afraid that if i surrendered him
God would take him from me
because God doesn't promise that we get to keep gifts
He only promises that He is trustworthy
and He will take good care of what we entrust to Him
surrendering my son made me free
because it was not my burden to bear
i still loved and prayed with all my heart
prayed that God would grow him strong
prayed that God would bring him home
and God answered
in a different way than i had expected

one day this summer God
gave my son a new family
for me this meant a loss that broke me
many dreams i had prayed were lost
many things i had hoped were shattered
some hurt is too big to type into words
but for my son, his new family meant different things
for him it meant an earthly father-
something he had never experienced before
for him it meant the love of Christ manifested to him
a new name, and an old name restored
the chance to love and be loved, to belong
and most of all
the thing i had most earnestly prayed for him
all along
a place where he would hear about Jesus
parents who know how much God loves their son
because He sacrificed His only Son to redeem us all

in the midst of all my sorrow
and all my unanswered questions,
i am completely assured, confident, and at peace
this is what God wanted all along
and now i see, what i always asked God
to help me believe
that He is worthy
worthy of our children, of our hearts
of our everything
He is worthy of our trust
because although His plans are often times painful
they are also beautiful and good
He is worthy, in the midst of my grief
to be praised, tonight, for His goodness
to my little one