remembering

by Alanna

God works miracles. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I get lost in this life, in nappies and laundry and a never-ending sink full of dirty dishes. In this baby and in my husband and in trying to love them when I still struggle with darkness inside of me. I let myself be still last weekend- let her fall asleep against me and just held her close and talked to my Father. Then another night I knelt by her crib. And my knees remembered another hard wood floor, in the back corner of that nursery, next to his crib. I prayed for him fervently then, and God heard. Tonight I saw his pictures, from when I first met him and the boy he grew to be, and they took my breath away. 

God worked miracles in his life. Why do I doubt him now? Tonight I read through all my correspondence, back and forth for long months, while I tried to sort out a way to bring him home here to me. I remember writing those words, reading the replies, crying in front of computer screens. Praying, always praying. God heard. It broke my heart that summer, the one where God took an orphan and gave him a home. It was beautiful and it was miraculous but I ached for my own part in the story and my own loss. Just a few weeks later this man asked me to take a new path in life, with him. It was unexpected and my heart was aching, but God took my hand and gently guided me into this crazy beautiful thing called marriage. 

I couldn't have imagined then, in all that heartache, what things God held for me. And now I still ask why? Why this struggle? Why my own nightmares and fears? Why is this race so hard and when can we come home to You? I've forgotten the miracles. And not just the miracles. I've forgotten the sheer joy and beauty of loving, with everything in you, no matter what pain awaits. The beauty of prayers answered and desires denied and just watching in awe while God unfolds His plans. He is faithful. I could type it a thousand times on this blog, and still wake up in the morning to three sinful souls in this house and forget. Loving, trusting, leaning on His arms. Unfailing love that leads me on. Tonight I could lay aside all my worry about the future, all my petty selfish ways, my wants, my fears. Tonight I could lean into His heart and just remember.