Open eyes

by Alanna

Once again I hold joy at arm's length, refusing it until I'm granted that one thing I think I need to be happy. There is always something right? It's sinful, this refusing joy. Like my baby throwing a temper tantrum because the yogurt is all gone, even when her plate is full of other food she loves. This is me.  

I wanted to remember good things that God has done, so I read over my answered prayer list. I started it on December 18th- almost a whole year ago now. Seven pages now, full of things I asked God for and He granted me. In His grace, in His mercy, in His goodness, in His love. If the Israelites were forgetful, then I am Dory from Finding Nemo. I forgot. When things look bleak, He is at work. When I have laid on the floor and cried and cried for my son, He heard and He knew, He always knew, what He was going to do. He was going to do good.  When I asked the Lord of the universe to help my baby nurse happy, He granted my petition. When I asked Him for joy He gave it. For wisdom, for peace, for my attitude on so many days. For my siblings' restoration to my parents, for a job for my husband, for another baby growing inside of me, for hard nights redeemed and hard mornings where I was rescued.  For safety the night I found her sitting up in bed crying, enclosed in her blanket, trapped.  For working internet when I needed to skype, for things to do when I needed to keep my hands busy. For joy for baby girl, and the way she laughs and laughs. For her birth and all my fears dispersed and pure joy come into the world.  For a trash can, a double stroller, safety all these miles in the car.  For affection, reassurance.  For things surrendered that He let me hold again.

And I remember too, that sometimes He says no. But the joy today is in knowing that He hears. That any suffering, any good thing withheld, is part of His sovereign plan.  He knows what it is like to cry out to the Father and hear only silence.  To be slain.  I want to learn from His submission to the Father's will. And from His joy.  Job said it- "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"  I don't want to complain anymore about the things I don't have. I want to ask my Father, and to wait. Then I want to rejoice. To remember when He gives, to be thankful. And to bow my head in submission when the waiting is long. To rejoice in knowing that He hears. To trust His heart for me.