"Anxious-excited, definitely"

By Mary

That's the phrase that went through my head as I prepared for a more or less spur of the moment trip back home to Colorado (!!!) Anxious-excited, for sure. Earlier in the year we had decided against a vacation back home because of the difficulties of traveling such a long distance with all three kids and the dog/figuring out what to do with the dog if we left her behind/timing with Nick's school and taking leave while preparing to transfer to a new job on the Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort after being at Parris Island for the last two years.

In April Nick started insisting on some kind of vacation before he starts settling in to the new unit and preparing for upcoming inspections of the section he'll be in charge of (and who am I to say no to a vacation?) We bounced a few ideas back and forth and never really settled on anything, and then one day he called from work and said that he'd taken three weeks of leave and that we should drive the 24 hours to Colorado with our whole crazy crew. And that we'd leave in two weeks.

I think a little anxiety came from trying to ensure I was properly prepared to take our family of five+dog 1600 miles across the country to stay for two weeks. I didn't know what to expect with driving two or three days in a row with three kids four and under, but it sounded like a potential recipe for disaster, and I wanted to at least be as ready as possible to have the best time as possible. So I made my packing list and bought snacks and thought about what toys to bring and maxed out my holds at the library on audio books to take with us.

But really my anxiety came mostly from a nervous thought that what if, maybe, this thing that I've wanted for so long doesn't live up to my expectations? In my head it's magic, home is. And I can't count the times especially in these last two years when I've thought if I could just be home, everything would be better, everything would be good.

But three years is a long time to be away. What if my home-state looks bare and brown to my eyes grown used to tree upon tree, green upon green? What if the magic is gone? I wasn't really worried about friendships having lost their spark, because no matter how far away I am, every day I'm reminded that I have the best friends I could ever wish for. But even so there was another phrase that went through my head a lot-"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." And isn't that always the case? When you try to bring your current reality and put it together with sweet days gone by, isn't it always something of a disappointment?

Nothing could be further from the truth, for me. And yes, we had to make an unexpected trip to the DMV the morning we left South Carolina, and yes my three best friends all got sick just as we were coming into town and I didn't really see them for the first week, and no I'm not a highschooler anymore, and I never stayed up till 4 am just laughing and talking and dreaming, and no, Alanna and I didn't even manage to get one picture together or sit on a roof and just talk...but it was all perfection in it's imperfection.

Nothing could be sweeter than the unity I felt with my husband while spending time with family and friends, so different from the other times we've been there together. Nothing could be sweeter than watching my parents with their grandkids and sharing my children with my friends. Nothing could be sweeter than meeting husbands, wives, sons, daughters and seeing Alanna for the first time with her babies, such a sweet, intentional, godly mother. Nothing could be sweeter than seeing beautiful changes and maturity in ones so dear to me, spending time in their homes, being gathered all together and knowing that our hearts are still all "knit together in love".

My friend may have said it best when she told me it's exciting to her, to think that the moments we're living now are the memories we're going to look back on fondly in the years ahead. And I guess that's the key-I'm not trying to go back to those days together. I want to go forward together.

And so while it's hard being back in Beaufort after days on end of such sweet fellowship, I'm trying to make the most of these moments that will one day be memories. So today I appreciated the shade and held my tongue about the humidity when we took a picnic dinner to eat with Nick on base while he works overnight. And I marveled at the storm clouds gathering over the waterfront while the late sun rays still danced on the water as I drove home. And our baby girl watched contentedly from her car seat on the porch while I played in the rain with the kids after we pulled in the driveway.

And tonight I thank God that no matter where I am, His goodness to me is abundantly overflowing.