I don't deserve this redemption

by Alanna

So many times lately I find myself being pulled out of the muck and mire by strong hands.  Jesus bearing me up, God being the strength of my heart.  Sometimes it's a quick whispered prayer- "Jesus, I can't do this. Please live in me." Sometimes it's a harder battle on my knees. And His redemption, His power, His love blows me away.  Especially the weaker I feel and the more I see my own inadequacies.  These last few months have been hard emotionally, not because anything has gone wrong but just because depression has hit me harder than I've ever known it before.  I can't help waking up this way, spending whole days keeping back tears and just trying to stay afloat.  But I don't want to use this darkness as an excuse for sin.  We all go through hard things, paths that Jesus asks us to walk that we might not have chosen.  (Didn't He also walk that way?)  I want Him to be glorified in the midst of all this.  If I'm going to cry than I want to let Him be my comfort, not pull away from Him.  The redemption that has blown me away the most lately is the one that I haven't asked for.  When I went for a walk and left my husband, tired and frustrated and counting down the hours til the day could end.  Because sometimes I give up, and I write off days as "hopeless".  In the morning things will be better, I tell myself.  But I don't think that Jesus works that way.  Instead of praying to Him and asking Him to change me, I just thought about pointless things and talked to my kids and distracted myself.  But His strong hands will not let me go.  And even sometimes when I want to quit, He will not let me.  He gave me my husband that day when I got home, patient and kind despite me.  He gave me gifts and laughter and hugs and things I wouldn't have even dreamed to ask for.  He redeemed the most broken morning.  And not just once but I have seen Him do it several times this past week, and countless times over my lifetime.  I want to do better at hoping, at believing and trusting and obeying Him.  I know I can never deserve this redemption, but I want to fall on His grace more and more.  I know that this blog is disjointed and perhaps rambling, but I hope that it is a testament to God's goodness. His love is never ending, unstoppable, furious.  He died to redeem us.  I am so thankful for His daily redemption of me.