here we are

by Alanna

  We've lived in Minnesota for over 5 months now. And while I am tempted to call it this frigid state, I have to remind myself that winters here actually don't last forever. We had a beautiful few weeks in Colorado, living up the deep blue skies and drinking in the sunshine.  Spending time with my family that felt unrushed, unhurried, blessed.  It was the most relaxing couple weeks I have had since my first baby was born over 3 years ago.  I got to see some dear old friends who strengthened my heart.  Leaving Colorado (again) to drive home was very painful for me.  This cold city doesn't feel like home yet. It's unfamiliar, I don't belong.  I am learning people's names at church and helping in the nursery, but I feel far from having deep relationships with anyone. And my kids don't have any aunts, uncles, or cousins here.

  So I have had an ugly attitude.  Chosen to settle for darkness and cold in me.  Because honestly I don't want to be here.  I'd always dreamed my whole life of option A- living in Africa and doing mission work there.  If I can't have A I'll take B- living in Colorado where my family is and things feel more comfortable.  But C?  Living in this little house in this cold place with a growing number of kids and my mother-in-law?  For who knows how long?  I rebeled against this thought this past week.  And God, my patient Creator, lovingly gave me grace to see.  The importance of obedience.  Of submission to His plans.  Of "counting it all joy" wherever He has us.  A dear friend reminded me that if we are afraid of the future it is because we don't trust God's promises, or we ultimately want what we want more than what He wants.  I don't want that to be me.  I want to submit to my Savior.  He knows so much better than I do.  So I am praying for a constantly repentant heart, that rejoices, that chooses to love in the sphere He has put me.  That chooses to submit to His plans and rejoice in His love for me.  I don't ever want to fight against His plans.

  Amy Carmichael wrote these words about Psalm 4:7. They say what I would like to say, just much better.

"What David offered to his God was a heart that was utterly satisfied with His will.  There were no private reservations, no little whispered "if"- if only I can be where I want to be, and have what I want to have, then there will be gladness in my heart, O God; he did not say that- he did not even say, "By thy grace I am glad , I am as glad as I should be if I had those stores of corn and wine." He went further, he flew right out of all the restricting thoughts that might have caged his spirit, up and up into the free air of God , and he said, "Thou hast put a new kind of gladness in my heart.  It does not depend on what I have, it is more than that sort of gladness. It is a joy that is entirely independent of circumstances."