marriage

by Alanna

5 months and 5 days ago I got married to this wonderful man. I never blogged much about our wedding, or about marriage since. I hope that God is glorified through whatever little testimony I write here now about our first five months of wedded life.

Our wedding was a joy! Friends and family blessed us by helping and rejoicing with us. We had a potluck wedding celebration with dancing and even a swing lesson given by my dear cousin. Cliche or not, it was the happiest day of my life so far. I'm not sure how this man found me, although I credit it to God's good planning. He gives such good things to His children.

I always hoped that after we got married, we would be a picture of Christ and His church. The church trusting, submitting, serving. Christ loving, laying down His life. I prayed about being a submissive wife, prayed to trust Yonas no matter where God led Him. What I never guessed was how much, within our marriage, I myself would be shown a picture of Christ's love for us. Frail little me, crying for a boy I left in Africa, held up by these strong arms. Clumsy me, breaking all 3 of our glasses here in our first month, treated with patience and kindness. I've focused too much on myself all my life, making me question the love of anybody else. Now, when I run circles in my mind trying to untangle lies, this man reminds me not to think too hard. He makes me laugh, he lets me cry, he teases me unmercifully and I like it. When I'm overwhelmed at school, he comes to help bear my burdens- rewriting all my grades, singing songs with my 1st graders.  He is to me a tangible demonstration of Christ's love toward us. He is not perfect, and neither is our marriage. We are all broken people here, battling sin in us. But these days I rejoice, because God is such a good Father, and He gave me this man to love me with His love. I'm such a blessed girl. And this grace, so undeserved, poured out to us all every day, it makes me sing praises to the King =)

He sees me

by Alanna

Yesterday we had such a good day in 1st grade. I felt like the kids were listening, perhaps even learning. I took time to solve small problems, to encourage kindness in individuals. I stopped to give hugs and dry tears. God answered my prayers and He worked through me. The boys didn't fight in recess, and my previously worst behaved student was a dream. (Any patience I ever possess is only from Him.) Four of my students were also absent yesterday, including 2 of my wilder ones. (Leaving me with only 16).

Today 1st grade was so difficult again. All 20 students arrived, full of energy. I lost my temper and they noticed. A sweet boy in the front row correctly pointed out, "Mrs. Hailu esta enojarada." I was alone all afternoon, as my assistants are busy decorating for our next big holiday here. I got so frustrated and once again wondered why did I ever want to work with kids?

I think I realized a big part of my problem today. I look at the class. I hear 20 voices calling my name, feel 10 hands pulling at me, see 5 kids talking as I'm trying to explain place value. The better days are when I see individuals. But there's too many of them my flesh complains. I subbed for 2nd grade last week, with just 8 quiet girls and 2 quiet boys. God, if there was just only 15 of them, I could manage. But no, this is where God has me. God put each of those 20 kids in my class for a reason. I think that this is what He wants of me. Teach this one boy how to subtract. Praise this energetic boy for waiting patiently. Stop class to hug that one girl who always cries because she has a headache.

There are billions of people in the world. God sees individuals. Christ died for individuals. It makes me want to weep with joy and awe. I'm frail little me though. I can't love individuals the way He does.  Does He expect me to do the impossible? I don't possess infinite patience, omniscience, never-ending supplies of love. But He does. His love never runs dry, so I'm asking Him for it tonight.

Abounding love of this sort is our great need.

Such love is always looking out for chances 

to do loving things.

It runs the second mile as a matter of course, 

for it is continually doing more than it need.

Let us pray that this love may abound 

more and more in us.

God is love, and 

we can never draw too much upon Him. 

That sea will never run dry.

(Amy Carmichael)

      

 November 3rd, 2013
by Alanna

Today Yonas and I are at a new church, as he is practicing music this afternoon with some young people and our school's music teacher. I think he is helping them prepare for a special service, but with our limited Spanish, neither of us are exactly sure. (Note: Turns out that church service began shortly after I finished writing this blog in my notebook. Yonas was up there on stage with his guitar so he just became part of the worship team. We laughed hard about it later and were reminded that Honduras = flexibility)

As usual on the weekends, I'm waging small battles in my mind. Why are we here? Why always so busy? Why haven't we found a good church, good fellowship yet? Me, me, me, always struggling to rise. He is stronger than all this, and He puts songs of rejoicing in my mouth. This is part of why I practice gratitude. Because gratitude kills the me in me. It acknowledges that He is what life is about. To give Him glory is to know joy. They sing this song here, 

"Recibe toda la gloria, recibe toda la honra, 

precioso Hijo de Dois." 

 It's that He would receive all the glory and the honor. Amazingly, in part, through my thanksgiving. So this afternoon, I practice dying to me and in giving thanks, gaining happiness. Through Him glorified.

Thank You, Father, for....

1) random Christians expressing glad welcome to us

2) the music teacher's generosity

3) the way music crosses language barriers

4) patient people talking to me in Spanish

5) my little friend Carlos Roberto

6) being trusted to give my husband haircuts

7) seeing people learn new things

8) walking with my husband and coming upon a random plaza

9) a big disused fountain with mysterious steps leading underneath

10) supportive parents of 1st graders

11) adoption

12) the order of red plastic chairs in rows

13) ceiling fans

14) Honduran sunshine

15) close mountains carpeted green

16) good ice cream for 25 lempiras ($1.25)

17) tree branches covered in moss and stretching far over our heads

18) God creative

19) the gift of communion with Him

20) the Psalms

Counting it All Joy

By Mary

It's November and a lot of my Facebook friends are taking the time to list something they're thankful for every day of the month. I like seeing their lists...it makes me feel like people are taking the time to enjoy the season of Thanksgiving, instead of just skipping straight from costumes and candy into lights and presents with a quick pit-stop on Turkey Day.

It happens that in our little women's study group, we've been going through the book One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. I've read it a little over two years ago and it seems to fresh but at the same time I think some of the principles and perspectives that God taught me through it the first time are fairly well cemented in my life and it leaves me free to dig a little deeper in some ways.

And I've realized my serious lack of thankfulness in hard places of my marriage. I can do it for everything else when I set myself to it--every difficult thing as a mom, a friend, anything. But I'm so reluctant to give God thanks at times when our relationship isn't what it should be (and maybe also the times when it's just not what I want it to be)

I think part of my problem is, I've stopped viewing my life in it's entirety as my job. If I'm God's ambassador, God's steward, I'm on the clock all the time. I get to thinking I'm supposed to have breaks where life becomes about me, not Him, His will, His ways. In my other roles in life I think I do better with self-sacrifice, remember to minister and forget expectations, while as a wife I've allowed myself to be demanding. And I justify it at first--I am after all only wanting God's plan, right? The way He wants it to be, right? I don't see this habit of dissatisfaction creeping in until it hits me one day that I've completely lost sight of the wonderful person my husband is, and is towards me. If there's anybody standing in the way of what should be in our relationship, it's me.

I  catch myself thinking "be thankful? For what? Why be thankful about this frustration and that annoyance, about now?" But really the question is, "why not be thankful?" Do I really think there's a better alternative? That irritability, bitterness or anything else is going to do anything for me besides turning me into a person that I don't even want to have to be around?

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies - though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God, and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know what it is" (-Jean-Pierre de Caussade)

I don't think James was simply being poetic or inspirational when he said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds". I think Paul was pretty literal when he instructed "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you". And I'm learning (again and again and again) that it's really the only way I want to live.

I'm a workaholic

by Alanna
 
Since being married, I've learned more about myself. One thing my husband recently sugested to me is that I'm a workaholic. At first I didn't believe it, but now I'm sure it's true.

Here this always work to do. Every night, I could plan more. I could grade exams. I could sweep the floors, or start dinner, or make tortillas, or start the laundry. But so often those things can wait.

This past week I've been sick, and my husband has been making dinner. I've had to rest. It's good practice for me, to stop thinking about subtraction and how to motivate 4th graders to learn. It's not good to be always a Martha, tempted to judge the Mary's. I need to learn to be still.

Another thing God's been teaching me is how to be still in the working, how to stop and breathe when my hands are busy. I've been reminded by Ann Voskamp, Amy Carmichael, Brother Lawrence, and Paul, to remember eternal things. A quick look up- "Lord, Thou knowest," a deep breath of thanksgiving, a deliberate response of love to one of those many clamoring voices calling "Mrs. Hailu!" Time spent just being with my husband. Talking with people in my breaks at work, rather than planning lessons. I ache to rejoice always, to love better, to put to death my own selfish desires. A dear friend reminded me that we can't just think hard enough to squeeze out this fruit. We have to abide in the Vine, drink deep of Him. These days I pray to practice acknowledging His presence, long for Him to keep me close to Him. When I work and when I rest.

when they drive me crazy (September 10th)

September 10th
by Alanna


My class drives me crazy sometimes. I never imagined I could have such a difficult time with a group of 6-year-olds. I never imagined my patience was so lacking, and my love so utterly inadequate for these little ones. Yesterday I borrowed the English word 'manic' to describe the kids in my class. At the end of the day, I wanted to cry and some of them already were.

I was in such a grumpy mood that night, that I laid on the floor with pen and paper, and didn't get up until it was full of things I am grateful for. Not things I made up just to list, but actually beautiful and good things that God has done and is doing in our lives.

Today was dia de los ninos- day of the children. It is the day to celebrate children and how precious they are to God. Why can't I see them as precious as He does? Love for kids has always come so easily to me. These days loving is hard and messy and I don't have enough to go around. Today was a new day, different than all the days before. (Every day is new right?) I celebrated them. We ate together and laughed together and one boy helped me sort papers after school. In the midst of it, my most trouble making student called me over to his desk and said "Usted es el mejor maestra!" (You are the best teacher). These days I feel anything like that, but oh that boy made me smile today.  

Sometimes I wonder what we are doing here in Honduras. My husband shows me on my ipod, a note from months ago, in which I thanked God for "the possibility of living in Honduras". I laughed and thanked God that we are here now, even when its hard. Because there is so much good in this chaos.

my inadequacy

October 3
by Alanna

I haven't blogged here lately, partly because of a lack of time, and partly because I haven't had a good enough attitude to type grace and blessings and positive here. Many times I have sat down to write, but not found the words. My husband keeps telling me to just write the truth. So today I'm going to try.

The last month of teaching school has been hard. I teach 1st grade most of the day, and also 4th grade language in the morning 6 times a week. For the most part 4th grade has been going well, but the 1st graders have tired me out exceedingly. There are twenty of them, ten boys and ten girls. They are wild, disobedient, talkative, and forgetful. I have had such a hard time managing them, and even a hard time loving them these first couple weeks. I thought I knew better how to discipline and manage kids. All my life, I wanted to work with kids in a third world country. I wanted to come to Honduras.  I thought that love would come easy, that I would have patience for them, that I would see them always as gifts and blessings and rejoice to be their teacher. In some ways, I imagined I was capable.  Loving kids is the only thing I ever thought I could do well.

Our first month of being here has taught me that I am inadequate and incapable. I don't know how to love kids well, let alone how to manage and teach them. I don't possess patience beyond a half hour's worth. I don't have the wisdom to do this job well, or the discernment of how to balance all this work with being a wife. I don't have limitless joy and gratitude that triumphs despite adverse circumstances. I don't always trust that we are right where God wants us to be, and that His plans are best. I am indeed an empty jar of clay.

Perhaps this is one thing God is doing with me here in Honduras. Revealing to me that the wealth I thought I possessed is but nothing.  He is my Sufficiency, to fill up all that I lack.  Although it is hard, I'm glad today that I am nothing without Him. He is everything. I'm amazed that He chooses to use us, weak as we are. I hope that in this weakness, He is glorified.

But we have this treasure

in jars of clay,

to show that the surpassing power

belongs to God

and not to us.

2nd Corinthians 4:7