In a week and a half, I'll be boarding an airplane to go back to the place I love, in South Africa. Lately when people talk to me, they ask (or more often simply assume), "you must be so excited!" And I am. Excited to be in a place where my heart can love to the utmost everyday, excited to be with babies again, to be serving, to partake in something that fills me to overflowing with joy and life. I can't wait to go back to a life of snotty noses, dirty nappies, small arms around my neck, a tiny fist clasping my finger.
But at the same time, I am scared. I am not strong enough to leave my family for so long, to miss out on the fellowship and love and opportunities in America. And most of all, I am scared of loving too much. It is the kind of love that fills my insides so physically that it hurts. Almost exactly 13 months ago, I met a little boy who God seemed to have brought especially for me to love. There was no use fighting my affections for him, my desperate prayers for him, and my mother instincts. God grew my heart and my capacity to love, and yet He asked me to say goodbye. It was the hardest thing He has ever asked me to do. Soon I will be a part of Martin's life again- seeing all the miraculous changes that God has wrought in his life. And I am so scared. Scared because Martin is not my son, and I have nothing but a "fool's hope" that he could be someday. Scared because I don't know how to be a mommy and yet not a mom to someone I love so much. And I am terrified of saying goodbye again. The thought of it twists my insides and breaks me to pieces. Is it possible to love too much?
Today I'm asking God if maybe He has the wrong person. I don't feel strong enough to have my heart so split in two. Somehow it is a comfort to me that God never changes. He is full of compassion and lovingkindness. He may dash my heart to pieces, but it will be for His glory and His plans. Surely if God could love us to the extent that He would sacrifice His only Son, then it is impossible to love too much. I want to learn to love through my fears- to love not for my sake, or even for Martin's, but for Him who loved me enough to die for me.
half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that
half of my heart won't do
Alanna, I love the last sentence in your posting today. I think that is what life in Christ is all about. It does hurt to love like that but God makes it worth it.
ReplyDeleteReally I do not think any of us are adequate to love like Jesus---but our adequacy is from Him.
May He give you strength for your journey day by day. love you, Mrs. Ramsli