merry christmas

dear little one,
how do i write to you
on a night like tonight?
when my heart is so full of you
but my arms are so empty
the clock on my nightstand reads 6:40 a.m.
your time, Christmas morning
i can close my eyes and go back in my mind
to this time one year ago
you were wearing those blue and white pjs
and you sat in my lap and opened presents
i want more than memories with you
there is a big empty place inside of me
because you are not here
this sorrow is a tangible reminder to me
of what Christmas means
God separated from HIS only Son
sometimes I think that christmas is not meant to be lived
away from your children
but the first Christmas was just that-
separation
the beginning of a beautiful redemption
because He loved us that much
my darling one,
I pray that this christmas
you know love
that you don't ache for your momma's arms
as much as my arms ache for you
I hear that one of your new favorite words
is hosannah
do you know what hosannah means baby?
it means "please save"
and this word that you love
is your momma's very prayer for you
i miss you
and i wish, always wish
that we could be together this Christmas
but you are held in my heart
always
i love you

It's Christmastime

And it’s been a bit more hectic than usual this past week. Last Tuesday night I spent in the hospital, my month-early contractions being monitored for a good fifteen hours before the doctors decided I wasn’t progressing quickly enough to stay. And here we are, a whole week later, seemingly no closer than before. I’m trying to enjoy the opportunity to rest more and get a few more things done before we have little baby girl in the mix of it all.

Our tree is standing tall in front of the balcony window, showing off its colorful ornaments and soft-shining lights. And underneath there’s a pile of presents that already seems a bit large for only two people.

Everywhere I go there’s a Christmas song playing in the background or a wreath making a door so much more inviting.

I’ve had my first Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake from Chik-Fil-A and a steamy hot drink out of a little red and white paper cup (I really am a sucker for holiday packaging—and throw peppermint in the title and I’m sure to think it’s good)

There are a million little things I love that say “Christmas” to my heart, sweet little nothings that matter so little and mean so much. I’m thankful for the blessing of each one.

And then there’s this-
“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,
Yet out of you shall come forth to Me
The One to be Ruler in Israel,
Whose goings forth are from of old,
From everlasting.”

Incredible, wondrous love. And I’m gifted with celebrating year after year this promise fulfilled, the Hope and Light of the world. And like little Bethlehem, though I’m just one of many, still He made me His.

Our Father truly does give such good gifts.

Hannah

by Alanna

Tonight my heart is really full of a few things. Mainly it is full of little one. The only little one I've ever had. My heart's always full of him, but sometimes it swallows up everything else and missing him is all I can feel. I've had a few days like that this past week. It's painful to me, and I've never known how to grieve well with hope still inside of me. I can't hide my sorrow, and I can't explain it. It leaves me feeling empty, bereaved, alone. I can't predict when my tears will come and lately they come again everyday. That's been my story lately, but sorrow is not what I want to write about tonight.

God's been showing me a lot lately through the story of Hannah and Samuel. So amazed at Hannah's faith, her genuine lament, her thankful heart and her spirit that sang praise to the Lord when He answered her prayer. And then her heart of total surrender when she gave that prayer right back to her Lord- because He was worthy of even the thing most dear to her heart.

It's not just about surrendering though. Its about being real and crying out to God to fulfill the desires that He's placed there. And in the midst of lament, to rest contentedly in His hands, that our will might be one with His.

"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,

until it be according unto mine?

But, no, Lord, that never shall be, rather

I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,

I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire-

See in my quiet places, wishes thronging-

Forbit them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure

Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,

Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,

At last, at last, even as a weaned child."

-Amy Carmichael

By Mary

It’s been two years since I held you close and we played together in the sunshine. Two years have gone by since the words “I love you” escaped my lips and had the chance to reach your ears. But not a day has gone by without my heart whispering it across all the miles and all this time that keeps us apart.

I never expected for you to be mine for always. When that dream flashed swiftly through my thoughts, I knew it wasn’t what God had in store for you, for me. But you were mine to treasure each precious minute we spent together, each time you made me bubble over with laughter, floored me with your questions, drove me crazy your disobedience.

And I learned something from the bitterness of leaving you [to this day the hardest thing I’ve ever done]: every moment is a precious gift to treasure for what it is, rather than what it’s not.
So little ones, I’m treasuring today each hard moment away from you-away from my home, my family, my friends. I’m treasuring the moments you spend today with the families God has given to so many of you, treasuring the things He has planned for each of your lives. I’m counting the blessings of times with my husband, time to play with a silly fluffy puppy, time to carry a child inside, opportunity to form new friendships.

I miss you today, like every day. And I’m thankful to have you to miss.