gifts

by Alanna

I originally titled this post "winter blues" and thought I'd write about all the ways the Minnesota winter may feed the fuel of my late struggles with depression.  But I am on a mission to change my thinking, to change my words, to change my heart. Not that I believe that speaking differently will guarantee the darkness not to return. But I am inspired tonight to battle against despondency ("a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage" says google.) So I will ask God for these things- hope and courage. And I will write about His faithfulness.

Here are a few ways He has blessed me this week.
1. My dad called on Monday, after one of the scariest and hardest weekends I can remember having emotionally. I don't know why he always calls after I've had a bad day, but he does. And I'm so thankful for him.
2. God answered prayers to take away nightmares.
3. A kind neighbor warned us to move our car so it wouldn't get towed during a "snow emergency" day.
4. A dear Colorado friend prayed on the phone with me during my roughest day, as she was having one too.
5. We got to go to a free zoo and conservatory. It was such a beautiful thing- the animals and then all those living green plants. Like a sanctuary of life in the midst of all the bleakness outside.
6. I saw evidences of the kids loving each other. My middle son, laying on the couch with a 102 fever, volunteered to share is own special blanket with his little brother. My oldest shared her special blanket later with my middle.
7. Today felt crazy because both my sons were sick and wanted to be held all day. But thankfully God granted them alternating naps so I was able to mostly hold each of them individually, all day long. And my bad hip isn't much worse than usual for it.
8. My daughter was a gem today. She was feeling fine and was so helpful with the other two and just a blessing to be around.
9. The weather was in the 40s this week! The kids stomped in puddles out front without snow pants or gloves.
10. I was blessed with the company of a new friend here in Minnesota. She inspires me to be a better wife and I'm thankful for that. 
11. God answered prayers for my parents and brother in Papau New Guinea!

"But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness."

Thoughts from house-cleaning

By Mary

We moved to our new house sight unseen. We were pretty much going off what was available within a short timeline, limited properties in our budget, even more limited properties making allowance for our dog, and finding an area where we felt pretty good about me being alone with the kids the majority of the time amidst mixed internet reviews of things like "love this city, there's no crime", and "my neighbor across the street was shot in broad daylight".

So when we moved, we knew we were dropping two bedrooms and about 1000 square feet off of our home size and were kind of just hoping for the best. And I'm so thankful for how well our things actually fit here, especially when we showed up and the layout was completely different from what I had anticipated from the pictures. I actually kind of love that the kids share rooms now, I like cleaning half the amount of toilets, and while I miss having a dedicated space for guests, at least it doesn't take me quite so long to vacuum. There's really only one thing I really don't care for-the kitchen counter-tops.

They're tile. And its not just that they're tile. The bathroom counter-tops are tile and they don't really bother me. They're these textured tiles that somehow cause my pots and pans to leave behind color that I have to really scrub to remove. They have these rounded edges that make it difficult to wipe crumbs up into the sink, or off the counter into my hand. And the grout lines are so thin, it seems impossible to really get clean. But its even harder to make it LOOK really clean. Somebody told me once that people loved the kind of stone counter-tops we had in Beaufort because the pattern camouflaged crumbs and spills so it appeared cleaner than it was. I never gave it much thought, but maybe that's part of why these tiles bother me so much. Maybe I miss the ease of the appearance of cleanliness.

On the other hand, the carpet here is sort of speckled, and I'm a little disappointed every time I vacuum because I don't get the impression of getting it quite as clean as I used to when I vacuumed the single-tone carpet where I could easily spot the dog hair and crumbs and crunched up leaves. I always felt so rewarded getting it really clean.

Somehow my random carpet-and-counter thoughts started me thinking about purity and righteousness while I was vacuuming the other day. I think it can be easy, comfortable, to let low standards make a little pattern on your life so you don't even notice sin's filth when it creeps in. How much harder to hold to God's standards of purity, where anything less than what is pure and lovely and noble and excellent makes a glaring mark. So I'm praying for my heart to be aligned with His, and for the reward of true purity to outweigh the ease of only having the appearance of cleanliness.

here we are

by Alanna

  We've lived in Minnesota for over 5 months now. And while I am tempted to call it this frigid state, I have to remind myself that winters here actually don't last forever. We had a beautiful few weeks in Colorado, living up the deep blue skies and drinking in the sunshine.  Spending time with my family that felt unrushed, unhurried, blessed.  It was the most relaxing couple weeks I have had since my first baby was born over 3 years ago.  I got to see some dear old friends who strengthened my heart.  Leaving Colorado (again) to drive home was very painful for me.  This cold city doesn't feel like home yet. It's unfamiliar, I don't belong.  I am learning people's names at church and helping in the nursery, but I feel far from having deep relationships with anyone. And my kids don't have any aunts, uncles, or cousins here.

  So I have had an ugly attitude.  Chosen to settle for darkness and cold in me.  Because honestly I don't want to be here.  I'd always dreamed my whole life of option A- living in Africa and doing mission work there.  If I can't have A I'll take B- living in Colorado where my family is and things feel more comfortable.  But C?  Living in this little house in this cold place with a growing number of kids and my mother-in-law?  For who knows how long?  I rebeled against this thought this past week.  And God, my patient Creator, lovingly gave me grace to see.  The importance of obedience.  Of submission to His plans.  Of "counting it all joy" wherever He has us.  A dear friend reminded me that if we are afraid of the future it is because we don't trust God's promises, or we ultimately want what we want more than what He wants.  I don't want that to be me.  I want to submit to my Savior.  He knows so much better than I do.  So I am praying for a constantly repentant heart, that rejoices, that chooses to love in the sphere He has put me.  That chooses to submit to His plans and rejoice in His love for me.  I don't ever want to fight against His plans.

  Amy Carmichael wrote these words about Psalm 4:7. They say what I would like to say, just much better.

"What David offered to his God was a heart that was utterly satisfied with His will.  There were no private reservations, no little whispered "if"- if only I can be where I want to be, and have what I want to have, then there will be gladness in my heart, O God; he did not say that- he did not even say, "By thy grace I am glad , I am as glad as I should be if I had those stores of corn and wine." He went further, he flew right out of all the restricting thoughts that might have caged his spirit, up and up into the free air of God , and he said, "Thou hast put a new kind of gladness in my heart.  It does not depend on what I have, it is more than that sort of gladness. It is a joy that is entirely independent of circumstances." 

Changing my prayers

By Mary

After Sofia was born, once we were back in our own house after the hurricane evacuation, I still felt a little overwhelmed. My parents had just left and I was missing them, missing also the help they'd been giving. I was trying to figure out how to make first grade happen for my oldest, when keeping the house clean and the kids alive seemed like a big enough job by itself. On top of that my one year-old was randomly waking up nightly after being a great sleeper for the longest time and I was already waking up with baby girl multiple times a night. It just felt like a lot.

But somewhere along the line I kinda stopped praying for more sleep, more help, less sibling drama.  Instead I began praying for more grace to pour out of me, more wisdom, more kindness, more joy. And I have to admit...when I'm praying this way, God never seems to say no.

New year, new baby, new zip code

By Mary

I guess I can't really say that the baby is new since she was born the beginning of September...but I'm not sure I even ever mentioned my fourth pregnancy, much less her birth or the daily ways she lights up our life. Sofia Nicole (wise, victorious) She's the sweetest thing. Part of me thinks the fourth kid just sort of has to be easy-going, but mostly I think God was just super kind and gracious and thoughtful and decided to cut me a little slack.

2018. Just crazy. I had to write the date for the first time the other day (signing in to urgent care unfortunately-shingles isn't the best thing to get when you're nursing a baby and you're everybody else's jungle gym) We had a whirlwind end to 2017, starting with Sofia's birth really. I checked out of the hospital the day after she was born and started helping my husband put up storm shutters over our windows for the hurricane coming our way. After that I tried to pack as best as possible for our newly grown family of six and evacuated to North Carolina where my husband had to work from the hotel for about a week, keeping accountability for everyone on Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort. On day two I was about to lose my mind so thankfully my parents changed up the timeline of their visit just a tad and came to save the day by meeting us at the hotel for the first half of their two week visit.

Once things began to settle from that whole adventure and we started getting in the swing of life with a newborn, homeschooling and AWANA starting up again, we had some surprise orders come our way, to about as far away as we could get-Washington state. And it's really amazing, because in that one week between being told about the move being a possibility and when the movers were actually packing up our house, God really worked a lot of things out. A family from our church mentioned needing temporary housing for their family while their new house was being built. And their timeline for moving in allowed for the perfect amount of time for us to move out and get the house cleaned up before they moved in. So we have a house on the market right now, filled with a sweet family till the spring time.

Just the fact that the military actually assigned us a moving company in the short window of time we had before leaving South Carolina was an act of God. And somehow this was by far our best move, all things considered. After some time in Colorado that went much too fast (and missing out on seeing Alanna by less than a month 😭) we hit the road again. This time we brought my mom with us which was the best idea ever. Honestly her presence made the road-trip a hundred times better, smoothed and speeded the unpacking process, and made the whole last month of 2017 a thousand times sweeter. We're all so grateful.

So here we are, at the beginning of a brand new year. I'm not sure what to think of it yet, or what to expect from it. It hasn't been the easiest start in just this one short week we've had. But I know that God is with us and there's no reason to fear. And there's more than enough reason to hope.

God with us

by Alanna

His name is Emmanuel. My third little boy. 

Being pregnant with him was hard for me, emotionally dark.

I wondered sometimes if God knew what He was doing.

Carrying a third baby before my 1st one's second birthday.

So many people don't agree with the "hands-off" approach to this family thing.

I struggled with trusting God with this one.

But then he came.

We named him Emmanuel.

I can't explain in words the joy this little boy is to me.

It is not just that he is one of the easiest babies I have ever cared for.

He is happy.

He brings light and laughter to our whole family.

He loves to play by himself.

Loves to be held and get attention.

Loves his brother and sister.

Loves to eat and sleep at night.

Love to get himself into positions he can't get out of.

He is such a gift to me.

And I am blown away by God's mercy.

Because I could have had a difficult baby as my third.

And I'm sure this one will bring his own challenges.

But for now, I am just rejoicing in God's goodness

in blessing us with this little baby.

His ways are so much better than ours.

His goodness so far beyond our comprehension.

He is always worthy of our trust.

And worthy of our praise.

So tonight I'm praising him for Emmanuel.

God is indeed with us. 

abundant bread

by Alanna

I feel that maybe I have written this post before, because I know it's not a new lesson that God is teaching me. But no matter. It will help remind me to put it down again. I was feeling a little desperate the other day and opened the Bible to just anywhere. Landed on John 6; a huge crowd of people is following Jesus around.  Hard for me to imagine that size crowd- 5,000 men.  Jesus asks Philip, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?" Which I laugh at because Jesus already knows what He is going to do.  But Philip's answer sounds like mine so often. There isn't any way to get bread for all these people. Even a huge sum of money wouldn't suffice.  Basically, it's hopeless.  I feel like this sometimes in my house, even though I'm feeding only 4 other people. 

There's not enough of me.  This one needs a spanking but I think he also needs some concentrated mommy time.  Maybe a snuggle in the rocking chair with his favorite blanket.  That one needs me to listen to her long story about her teddy bear, and help her take care of him and four other toy animals in her pretend nursery.  They both need lunch because I suspect this is why they are getting cranky in general.  The husband could use lunch too, since he's been working 14 hour days lately and is probably tired.  The baby wants to nurse and needs me to also change his poop and clean the spit-up that he is rubbing around on the floor with his tummy as he crawls off to chew on something he probably shouldn't be.  I know my bathroom needs to be cleaned.  I wonder if there is iced tea in the fridge for my husband, and when I will find time to make some if not. And on and on it goes.

I always feel guilty for what I am not doing well.  Today I complained, and asked aloud why God gave me so many roles if I can't do them all well. Something has to give- the house, the cooking, shopping frugally, being a friend, loving my husband well, patience with my children, my own sanity.  But the truth is that there is always enough time in a day to do the things that God wants us to do.  There is always enough time.  Just not enough of me.

So I relate to this boy in the story.  The one who gives his five barley loaves and two fish.  A tiny ridiculous offering in the face of 5000 hungry men.  This is all he has.  And he gives it all.  But Jesus accepts it, and "when He had given thanks", He distributed it to all the people.  The truth is, I don't have to have enough.  Because Jesus is always enough.  How many times do I have to be reminded of this before I will understand?  All I have to do is hold out what I have to Him. All of it, in thanksgiving.  And trust that He will make it enough.  That it won't matter what doesn't get done around here.  God knows what these people in my life need.  My job is to speak thanksgiving, open my hands, and give my all.  God's job is to do the rest.

Then this evening I read the same story in one of the kids' bible storybooks.  And this version pointed out how even the little boy who had offered the loaves was satisfied.  In the end he also had more than enough.  I believe that this is true. That if we offer all we have in thanksgiving, to Jesus- and thus through Him to our kids, to our friends, to our husbands, to our families, to the world, that we will not be empty.  Jesus will take our tiny ridiculous portion, and with His incredible power He will fill not just those around us, but us too. And we too will be satisfied.