no fear

by Alanna

Marriage is hard. To open your heart up to love is to open it to pain. To let another in is to show the depths of depravity in my own heart. (And oh my heart is ugly). For my struggles to never again be personal. To be coupled with another breathing, growing child of God, for better or for worse. We build each other up or we pull each other down. I build this man up with hope and love, tear him down with despair and my immature fit throwing when things don't go my way.


"Our defeat means loss somewhere else. Our victory means gain."

 Sometimes I'm crippled by fear. Shackled by my own petty doubts, running circles around my own selfish heart. Afraid.

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have a "heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

And I fail at it. My thoughts return back on myself like a yo-yo on a string. 

"All my failures won't condemn me, but leave me paralyzed and bound.....when I'm at my worst, your love it finds me first." 

This is where He finds me and frees me.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2nd Timothy 1:7

Power. Love. Self-control. I will stay here at HIs feet and plead for these things until He fills my emptiness with Himself. Power to battle against temptation and lies and my flesh. Power to choose right, to choose hope and love when it is hard. ("God's love is always brave love"). Love like He is. Self-control to put self to death. To reach for Him when I am broken. To say no to my desires and wants, to love another more. To let go of fear and to cling closely to Him. He is faithful and He will accomplish all His good purposes.