treasuring

For every time my little baby Gianna keeps us up late in the night, crying for some reason I can't discover, I think of a baby who never made a sound because she'd given up hope of getting a response to it.

For every time she starts crying her hungry little cry just an hour after she ate, I stop for a minute to be thankful that she can eat her fill whenever her little tummy tells her it's hungry.

For every time I hear baby grunts and coos coming from her bassinet and see two small hands flailing and two feet kicking when I'd hoped she might nap for a while, I pick her up and play with her anyway because this baby has a family and I have the time and there's no reason for her to sit alone.

And every time I don't stop to treasure each moment, each smile and sleepless night, my heart remembers that this isn't forever, that nothing is guaranteed. Time flies by so quickly and you never know what the next moment will bring.

So I try to make myself remember that this is true for all of life. When I do the dishes yet again and when the dog tries to drag me through our walk, every minute with my husband and all those moments far from my family, that gorgeous sunset and all the days of gray above my head when the sun doesn't even seem to exist anymore.

I read in Job this week of all that he was blessed with and all that he lost. And I feel with him when the verses show his grief, how he tore his robe and shaved his head and fell to the ground...but on the ground, in the dirt, he worshipped. And maybe as I learn to treasure all of life, I'll learn to give God the worship due Him when it's not the natural response of my heart to praise. Because He remains steadfast and unchanging no matter what life brings, shouldn't my respsonse to Him be the same--no matter what?

These days I'm hanging out in a hotel room with my six week old baby and my puppy (though it's been pointed out to me that, at over a year old, she's not really a puppy anymore)

Our little family of four drove the three and half hours down to Norfolk VA where my husband has to attend a two week course for his job.

I thought I'd have tons of time to do anything I'd like but little baby Gianna--

suddenly decided she wants to eat every couple of hours which tends to limit the time I have for other things. So I've been keeping busy even without the books and other things I had planned to prevent boredom.

Life has been beautifully hard these last weeks. Being a mom has been more challenging than I exected. The few differences between having my own daughter and caring for my babies at TLC have been enough to drive me crazy at times. She's the best thing.

It's been a month of adjustments, homesickness, bad news, loss...and in it all God has faithfully spoken the truth of these verses into my heart--

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."


Despite my own faithlessness, my doubts and the aching in my heart, in the end God never changes. In everything He remains the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort.

death and life

by Alanna

I've been meaning to post a blog for such a long time. I know my dear twin, Mary, has better excuses than I do- as she's now blessed to be caring for her little baby! I don't like to post a blog today but maybe it will help me to process some things.

In the past week and a half, four people dear to my heart have died. My highschool friend, in a car accident. My selfless aunt, from cancer. My neighbor friend's mom, from cancer also. And then a precious baby, from a rare blood disease. It has been a hard week full of grieving.These stories don't end with grief though. (that you may not grieve, as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus). I read in a book recently that the central theme of Christianity should not be the cross, but the empty grave. And I realized anew this week, just how beautiful the resurrection is. Because of the resurrection, we have a sure and founded hope that through death, comes life. (Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit).

I can't pretend that things are so simple though. Up until yesterday, I'd felt that I could grieve and be held by Jesus and I didn't question His ways. When the baby died in South Africa, I caved in. Maybe this is the weak link of my faith- always my times of greatest questioning and doubt have come after the death of a child. At Friday night prayer meeting, we talked about the kindness of the Lord (the earth is full of Thy lovingkindness, O Lord). And I confidently asserted that God's mercies are a kindness. Every day we overlook His mercy, because we forget what we deserve. It was easy for me to forget that yesterday, and wonder how on earth I could view such a short, hard life as a kindness from the Lord. And how do you speak about God's grace when someone is missing from the room and there is just grief standing there instead? Two friends reminded me when I spewed out my hurt and confusion last night. Even precious baby didn't deserve anything. God gave her a few weeks to be loved deeply here on earth, and then wrapped her in His arms and took her home. Took away her suffering, her pain, and gave her new unending life. God's mercy, God's kindness. I'm not afraid anymore to assert it. God is good. I don't pretend to understand or to have answers. I hate death and the sorrow that it brings. But I do know that it's not just grief in these houses. God's mercy stands there too. Because none of us deserve to have beautiful, unending life in heaven with Him. And through His Son, even death is just a passage into that incredible mercy.

Then will come about the saying that is written,

"Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin,

and the power of sin is the law;

but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

merry christmas

dear little one,
how do i write to you
on a night like tonight?
when my heart is so full of you
but my arms are so empty
the clock on my nightstand reads 6:40 a.m.
your time, Christmas morning
i can close my eyes and go back in my mind
to this time one year ago
you were wearing those blue and white pjs
and you sat in my lap and opened presents
i want more than memories with you
there is a big empty place inside of me
because you are not here
this sorrow is a tangible reminder to me
of what Christmas means
God separated from HIS only Son
sometimes I think that christmas is not meant to be lived
away from your children
but the first Christmas was just that-
separation
the beginning of a beautiful redemption
because He loved us that much
my darling one,
I pray that this christmas
you know love
that you don't ache for your momma's arms
as much as my arms ache for you
I hear that one of your new favorite words
is hosannah
do you know what hosannah means baby?
it means "please save"
and this word that you love
is your momma's very prayer for you
i miss you
and i wish, always wish
that we could be together this Christmas
but you are held in my heart
always
i love you

It's Christmastime

And it’s been a bit more hectic than usual this past week. Last Tuesday night I spent in the hospital, my month-early contractions being monitored for a good fifteen hours before the doctors decided I wasn’t progressing quickly enough to stay. And here we are, a whole week later, seemingly no closer than before. I’m trying to enjoy the opportunity to rest more and get a few more things done before we have little baby girl in the mix of it all.

Our tree is standing tall in front of the balcony window, showing off its colorful ornaments and soft-shining lights. And underneath there’s a pile of presents that already seems a bit large for only two people.

Everywhere I go there’s a Christmas song playing in the background or a wreath making a door so much more inviting.

I’ve had my first Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake from Chik-Fil-A and a steamy hot drink out of a little red and white paper cup (I really am a sucker for holiday packaging—and throw peppermint in the title and I’m sure to think it’s good)

There are a million little things I love that say “Christmas” to my heart, sweet little nothings that matter so little and mean so much. I’m thankful for the blessing of each one.

And then there’s this-
“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,
Yet out of you shall come forth to Me
The One to be Ruler in Israel,
Whose goings forth are from of old,
From everlasting.”

Incredible, wondrous love. And I’m gifted with celebrating year after year this promise fulfilled, the Hope and Light of the world. And like little Bethlehem, though I’m just one of many, still He made me His.

Our Father truly does give such good gifts.

Hannah

by Alanna

Tonight my heart is really full of a few things. Mainly it is full of little one. The only little one I've ever had. My heart's always full of him, but sometimes it swallows up everything else and missing him is all I can feel. I've had a few days like that this past week. It's painful to me, and I've never known how to grieve well with hope still inside of me. I can't hide my sorrow, and I can't explain it. It leaves me feeling empty, bereaved, alone. I can't predict when my tears will come and lately they come again everyday. That's been my story lately, but sorrow is not what I want to write about tonight.

God's been showing me a lot lately through the story of Hannah and Samuel. So amazed at Hannah's faith, her genuine lament, her thankful heart and her spirit that sang praise to the Lord when He answered her prayer. And then her heart of total surrender when she gave that prayer right back to her Lord- because He was worthy of even the thing most dear to her heart.

It's not just about surrendering though. Its about being real and crying out to God to fulfill the desires that He's placed there. And in the midst of lament, to rest contentedly in His hands, that our will might be one with His.

"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,

until it be according unto mine?

But, no, Lord, that never shall be, rather

I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,

I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire-

See in my quiet places, wishes thronging-

Forbit them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure

Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,

Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,

At last, at last, even as a weaned child."

-Amy Carmichael

By Mary

It’s been two years since I held you close and we played together in the sunshine. Two years have gone by since the words “I love you” escaped my lips and had the chance to reach your ears. But not a day has gone by without my heart whispering it across all the miles and all this time that keeps us apart.

I never expected for you to be mine for always. When that dream flashed swiftly through my thoughts, I knew it wasn’t what God had in store for you, for me. But you were mine to treasure each precious minute we spent together, each time you made me bubble over with laughter, floored me with your questions, drove me crazy your disobedience.

And I learned something from the bitterness of leaving you [to this day the hardest thing I’ve ever done]: every moment is a precious gift to treasure for what it is, rather than what it’s not.
So little ones, I’m treasuring today each hard moment away from you-away from my home, my family, my friends. I’m treasuring the moments you spend today with the families God has given to so many of you, treasuring the things He has planned for each of your lives. I’m counting the blessings of times with my husband, time to play with a silly fluffy puppy, time to carry a child inside, opportunity to form new friendships.

I miss you today, like every day. And I’m thankful to have you to miss.