by Alanna
Sometimes its hard to know how vulnerable to be on a public blog, although I know few eyes read here. God has been teaching me things lately, and I'm so thankful for them and I don't want to forget them. Some of them are old lessons, about surrender and trust and how to pray fiercely for something that you want badly and still keep your hands open wide. I forgot how, and a picture of this little boy brings it back to me. Then I remember those long nights of crying with fists clenched and then finally laying him down. And in that laying down I found immense freedom. Freedom to pray harder and to pray more hopefully. Because I prayed to an all powerful and good God who held in His hands who I held in my heart. And He is the same God still. So I'm reminded that when you want something badly, and you pray for it every day, and struggle to keep hoping for it, you have to surrender. Every day. Surrender. I hope I'm learning this one again, albeit ever so slowly.
Another lesson that God taught me was through prayers for my daughter. I ask for her to be filled up with His love so that it overflows from her life. I ask for her to be confident in His love. And then in my fears and doubts, I discovered such a lack of confidence in myself. I cried on the way to work because I was afraid that God would give me more than I could handle. I was afraid that He wouldn't answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I was afraid that I would never be enough, that I would never feel assured enough of love to stop this foolish crying. God graciously reminded me that I don't have to be enough. That I am not capable to handle these things, but that He is.
He also reminds me that I am not rejected, because His Son was rejected in my place. I belong, I am bought and redeemed and precious in His sight. He is trustworthy and even when I don't understand, I know that He has not given up on me. His grace is sufficient, and even His power is made more perfect in my weakness. So at work I picked up a dandelion to make a wish, and a thousand different ones blew through my mind. Things I've been praying for what seems so long, things I ache to see accomplished by my King. But then with clarity it came. I needed to ask for confidence in love. Confidence in the Father's love, in the Son's love, in the Spirit's love, in my husband's love. I want to rest like a weaned child against my good God, in confidence and trust. He is very worthy.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
soul weary
By Mary
I never really realize how long I've been missing in action on this blogging thing until I look at the dates of my posts. How does time go so quickly?
Ever since my first baby, I've pretty much given up journaling. Not intentionally, just from lack of intentionality in making it happen. Blogging has become my only kind of journal really for the last two years and I still don't stay consistent!
2014 so far has been...crazy. Busy. Difficult. It seems to just get harder and harder the longer it goes on. We made it through my husband's four months of training in Virginia and we've got an officer in the house now! The movers have already come and taken away all of our household good, stored in South Carolina somewhere for the time being. We've been living in the house we own in North Carolina, as our tenants vacated just days before we had to be out of our townhouse and my husband had another three weeks of training at a base down here.
It was hard leaving Maryland. Gianna got sick early in our last week there, and then I followed suit halfway through so we missed out on a lot of our last get togethers and sort of skipped saying goodbye to a lot of people. I guess it almost is easier that way. I felt so at home there and I'm not the type to easily pick up and move on. But I'm determined to make the most of this move, add on to the list of dear long distance friendships and also try to do my best with new people in South Carolina.
It's been hectic to say the least, between long distance house hunting, setting up the move with the military side of things, preparing for the move on my side, my husband's graduation and in-law visits, sickness, trying to enjoy last moments with friends and trying (and failing) to keep up with everyone back home. That's part of why things have fallen by the wayside, like posting new blogs. But truth is I feel so weary. Not just tired of keeping up with the kids or being sick or camping in an empty house...but soul weary, like I'm barely keeping my head above water in every single area of my life.
I wrote the above several weeks ago (um, have I mentioned I don't have a clue how time gets away from me like that?) I still thought I'd post it, especially since my creative juices aren't flowing much for any other writing.
We made it down to South Carolina at the very end of June, living in a hotel for ten days and starting to look at houses in person. We gave up on renting a place since literally every property I call about has multiple applications on it and even base housing isn't really an option because of the wait list.
After a couple of long days, we found one! It's scary to think of owning two houses--and oh such a hassle to buy a second one we've discovered. I'm so grateful God provided built in friends for us in South Carolina. They've helped us keep our sanity a little bit, showed us the area, watched our kids, let us use their washer and dryer. And Nick will also be learning his new role as an officer with our friend (a Chief Warrant Officer 3) to help mentor him, which again is just an outstanding piece of goodness on God's part to my way of thinking.
Our trouble right now is the length of time it takes to close on a house, as well as doing everything long distance since we came down to Alabama to stay with my husband's family before he has to check into his new unit. We're trying to save the money (and craziness) of living in a hotel again for an extended period of time. We were hoping to close on the 24th of this month but now, with paperwork and inspections taking so long, we're being told it might not be til the 31st or later. So we'll see where we end up living for the rest of this month, since Nick has to check in by the 25th.
I'm just ready to have a house again. And I'm a little bummed that with all of this vacation time Nick's taking, we're not getting a whole lot of just simple peace.
But I'm reminded it could easily be even harder. Another family of a new Warrant Officer had to make the move from Germany to California, with all the random crazy hassles you can imagine. And I remember to be thankful for my lot...for 10:30 at night, laying next to my little girl in her fold out hotel bed as she finally falls asleep after a napless day. What's crankiness and lack of a nicely scheduled day compared to tousled curls curls on pink cheeks and her chest rising and falling with her deep sleep-breaths? And what's a little over-feeding my now 5 month old now and then just to have him quiet enough for the other two to sleep, compared to his sweet dopey smiles and chuckley little laugh and his new achievements day by day. And really even, what is the occasional (or, well, maybe sometimes frequent) friction and frustration with my husband from these little stresses and the simple adjustment of learning to live together again, compared to being able to live together and deal with it all together. In the same zip code, under the same roof--even if its not ours. It's too easy to take it all for granted already, everything I missed for months.
And really, in the end, what's being without a home to call my own when my God is a refuge, a present help and an everlasting rock?
I never really realize how long I've been missing in action on this blogging thing until I look at the dates of my posts. How does time go so quickly?
Ever since my first baby, I've pretty much given up journaling. Not intentionally, just from lack of intentionality in making it happen. Blogging has become my only kind of journal really for the last two years and I still don't stay consistent!
2014 so far has been...crazy. Busy. Difficult. It seems to just get harder and harder the longer it goes on. We made it through my husband's four months of training in Virginia and we've got an officer in the house now! The movers have already come and taken away all of our household good, stored in South Carolina somewhere for the time being. We've been living in the house we own in North Carolina, as our tenants vacated just days before we had to be out of our townhouse and my husband had another three weeks of training at a base down here.
It was hard leaving Maryland. Gianna got sick early in our last week there, and then I followed suit halfway through so we missed out on a lot of our last get togethers and sort of skipped saying goodbye to a lot of people. I guess it almost is easier that way. I felt so at home there and I'm not the type to easily pick up and move on. But I'm determined to make the most of this move, add on to the list of dear long distance friendships and also try to do my best with new people in South Carolina.
It's been hectic to say the least, between long distance house hunting, setting up the move with the military side of things, preparing for the move on my side, my husband's graduation and in-law visits, sickness, trying to enjoy last moments with friends and trying (and failing) to keep up with everyone back home. That's part of why things have fallen by the wayside, like posting new blogs. But truth is I feel so weary. Not just tired of keeping up with the kids or being sick or camping in an empty house...but soul weary, like I'm barely keeping my head above water in every single area of my life.
I wrote the above several weeks ago (um, have I mentioned I don't have a clue how time gets away from me like that?) I still thought I'd post it, especially since my creative juices aren't flowing much for any other writing.
We made it down to South Carolina at the very end of June, living in a hotel for ten days and starting to look at houses in person. We gave up on renting a place since literally every property I call about has multiple applications on it and even base housing isn't really an option because of the wait list.
After a couple of long days, we found one! It's scary to think of owning two houses--and oh such a hassle to buy a second one we've discovered. I'm so grateful God provided built in friends for us in South Carolina. They've helped us keep our sanity a little bit, showed us the area, watched our kids, let us use their washer and dryer. And Nick will also be learning his new role as an officer with our friend (a Chief Warrant Officer 3) to help mentor him, which again is just an outstanding piece of goodness on God's part to my way of thinking.
Our trouble right now is the length of time it takes to close on a house, as well as doing everything long distance since we came down to Alabama to stay with my husband's family before he has to check into his new unit. We're trying to save the money (and craziness) of living in a hotel again for an extended period of time. We were hoping to close on the 24th of this month but now, with paperwork and inspections taking so long, we're being told it might not be til the 31st or later. So we'll see where we end up living for the rest of this month, since Nick has to check in by the 25th.
I'm just ready to have a house again. And I'm a little bummed that with all of this vacation time Nick's taking, we're not getting a whole lot of just simple peace.
But I'm reminded it could easily be even harder. Another family of a new Warrant Officer had to make the move from Germany to California, with all the random crazy hassles you can imagine. And I remember to be thankful for my lot...for 10:30 at night, laying next to my little girl in her fold out hotel bed as she finally falls asleep after a napless day. What's crankiness and lack of a nicely scheduled day compared to tousled curls curls on pink cheeks and her chest rising and falling with her deep sleep-breaths? And what's a little over-feeding my now 5 month old now and then just to have him quiet enough for the other two to sleep, compared to his sweet dopey smiles and chuckley little laugh and his new achievements day by day. And really even, what is the occasional (or, well, maybe sometimes frequent) friction and frustration with my husband from these little stresses and the simple adjustment of learning to live together again, compared to being able to live together and deal with it all together. In the same zip code, under the same roof--even if its not ours. It's too easy to take it all for granted already, everything I missed for months.
And really, in the end, what's being without a home to call my own when my God is a refuge, a present help and an everlasting rock?
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
a stay at home wife
by Alanna
written July 7th
Today is my first official day as a stay at home wife. I
feel a little bit strange, as I won’t be working at a ‘real job’ for the first
time in many years. With baby girl due
to come in just 3 ½ months, it doesn’t make sense to look for full-time work. I
have to rest in this. It’s not my job to earn a regular paycheck, decide my
hours, to run my own life. I have a husband, and I’m so blessed to be his wife.
This is my purpose here.
So the floors are clean, lawn watered, books all sorted on
shelves, the green house stacked with empty boxes. The kitchen organized, iced
tea made, meat thawing in the fridge. We are spoiled here with a washing
machine, kitchen counter space, and a couch of our own for the first time since
we got married. (I don’t understand why God is so good to us. What does He want
of me here? There’s nothing I can give in return for His love and His grace and
His mercy. His gifts abound and I’m full to bursting with them). I’m ready for
my husband to come home. I still feel like a newlywed, the way I miss him.
I came home to find that home is not all I imagined. My
family is broken, and how did I forget? My brothers and sisters need Jesus. And
apart from Him, what can I offer them? I know what life is like without Him,
and it’s not possible to put yourself together. I want so badly for them to be
whole, but only He can do it. I feel helpless these days. I am just two ears
and two hands, and I can’t make things better here. But I know, I’m certain,
that God can.
So what will I do with these days waiting for my daughter to
arrive? Perhaps God wants me to simply do what He tried to teach me for so many
months in Honduras. Pray. First I have to pray for strength and patience and
hope and discipline. If I ask for these things He will give them I think. Maybe
then I can be used to bang on His door, begging for good things for the people
I love. Begging for love for them too, inside of frail little me. Without Him
I’m nothing.
Friday, June 20, 2014
coming 'home'
by Alanna
We are leaving this city on Sunday, our first year anniversary. On Monday we'll fly back to the United States. I've never been so willing and ready to leave a country as I feel now, I suppose for lots of reasons. But a little part of me is here. How could it not be? These students caused me trouble, but they are precious and I grew to love them and I hope that seeds were planted in their hearts that God will use. I'm thankful for our time here, for being shown so many things about myself that need growing. Patience, love, selflessness, diligence, hope, peace, joy.
Today I read it, that Paul called Him the God of hope and the God of peace. It makes me glad. Surely if He is the God of hope then He can fulfill ours. We don't have much in the States as far as material possessions- just some clothes and books, and a few kitchen items. No car, no house, no cell phones, no furniture. But we are wealthy in the family of believers there, and in our own families. We are wealthy because the God of hope and the God of peace goes with us. I'm excited to see what He has planned.
We are leaving this city on Sunday, our first year anniversary. On Monday we'll fly back to the United States. I've never been so willing and ready to leave a country as I feel now, I suppose for lots of reasons. But a little part of me is here. How could it not be? These students caused me trouble, but they are precious and I grew to love them and I hope that seeds were planted in their hearts that God will use. I'm thankful for our time here, for being shown so many things about myself that need growing. Patience, love, selflessness, diligence, hope, peace, joy.
Today I read it, that Paul called Him the God of hope and the God of peace. It makes me glad. Surely if He is the God of hope then He can fulfill ours. We don't have much in the States as far as material possessions- just some clothes and books, and a few kitchen items. No car, no house, no cell phones, no furniture. But we are wealthy in the family of believers there, and in our own families. We are wealthy because the God of hope and the God of peace goes with us. I'm excited to see what He has planned.
"May the God of hope fill you
with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit
you may
abound in hope."
Thursday, May 22, 2014
precious child
by Alanna [written on May 19th]
Dear one of my heart,
It is the eve of your birthday.
I write, as always, words you will never read,
an ocean away from you.
Tomorrow I feel is not an ordinary birthday for you.
5 years seems more of a miracle when I remember
your first months.
You struggled and fought for life,
and at least one momma of yours beat loud on heaven's door
pleading for you.
You have always been a miracle, precious one.
(Someone gave me a mother's day gift today, and said in Spanish that it was for the one I will soon have. But I knew, and the words caught in my throat and never came out, like always. 'I already have one, and he's turning 5 tomorrow).
You are a gift.
My heart aches with loving you.
Tonight memories come to me.
Memories of rocking you against my chest.
Of sharing chocolate with you on the doorstep of the cottage.
Of taking you to the zoo and the way you started saying new words
in your sure quiet voice,
as if it were so easy.
But I laughed in delight and amazement and wanted everyone to know.
The way you kept your 2 fingers in your mouth,
and smiled through them when I came to get you.
The way you laughed so hard and tottered as you ran.
All I have tonight is memories.
Memories and hopes and prayers for you now.
I pray God calls you like Samuel- young and unmistakable.
That you are an honest, humble, obedient, joyful boy.
That His joy finds you and fills you and pours out of you.
He has been so faithful to you,
and I'm convinced that He will continue to do good things in your life.
I thank God for you tonight.
I wish you a happy birthday tomorrow,
and pray that you begin to understand how very blessed you are.
I love you always.
With all my heart.
Dear one of my heart,
It is the eve of your birthday.
I write, as always, words you will never read,
an ocean away from you.
Tomorrow I feel is not an ordinary birthday for you.
5 years seems more of a miracle when I remember
your first months.
You struggled and fought for life,
and at least one momma of yours beat loud on heaven's door
pleading for you.
You have always been a miracle, precious one.
(Someone gave me a mother's day gift today, and said in Spanish that it was for the one I will soon have. But I knew, and the words caught in my throat and never came out, like always. 'I already have one, and he's turning 5 tomorrow).
You are a gift.
My heart aches with loving you.
Tonight memories come to me.
Memories of rocking you against my chest.
Of sharing chocolate with you on the doorstep of the cottage.
Of taking you to the zoo and the way you started saying new words
in your sure quiet voice,
as if it were so easy.
But I laughed in delight and amazement and wanted everyone to know.
The way you kept your 2 fingers in your mouth,
and smiled through them when I came to get you.
The way you laughed so hard and tottered as you ran.
All I have tonight is memories.
Memories and hopes and prayers for you now.
I pray God calls you like Samuel- young and unmistakable.
That you are an honest, humble, obedient, joyful boy.
That His joy finds you and fills you and pours out of you.
He has been so faithful to you,
and I'm convinced that He will continue to do good things in your life.
I thank God for you tonight.
I wish you a happy birthday tomorrow,
and pray that you begin to understand how very blessed you are.
I love you always.
With all my heart.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
no fear
by Alanna
Marriage is hard. To open your heart up to love is to open it to pain. To let another in is to show the depths of depravity in my own heart. (And oh my heart is ugly). For my struggles to never again be personal. To be coupled with another breathing, growing child of God, for better or for worse. We build each other up or we pull each other down. I build this man up with hope and love, tear him down with despair and my immature fit throwing when things don't go my way.
"Our defeat means loss somewhere else. Our victory means gain."
Sometimes I'm crippled by fear. Shackled by my own petty doubts, running circles around my own selfish heart. Afraid.
"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have a "heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."
And I fail at it. My thoughts return back on myself like a yo-yo on a string.
"All my failures won't condemn me, but leave me paralyzed and bound.....when I'm at my worst, your love it finds me first."
This is where He finds me and frees me.
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2nd Timothy 1:7
Power. Love. Self-control. I will stay here at HIs feet and plead for these things until He fills my emptiness with Himself. Power to battle against temptation and lies and my flesh. Power to choose right, to choose hope and love when it is hard. ("God's love is always brave love"). Love like He is. Self-control to put self to death. To reach for Him when I am broken. To say no to my desires and wants, to love another more. To let go of fear and to cling closely to Him. He is faithful and He will accomplish all His good purposes.
Marriage is hard. To open your heart up to love is to open it to pain. To let another in is to show the depths of depravity in my own heart. (And oh my heart is ugly). For my struggles to never again be personal. To be coupled with another breathing, growing child of God, for better or for worse. We build each other up or we pull each other down. I build this man up with hope and love, tear him down with despair and my immature fit throwing when things don't go my way.
"Our defeat means loss somewhere else. Our victory means gain."
Sometimes I'm crippled by fear. Shackled by my own petty doubts, running circles around my own selfish heart. Afraid.
"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have a "heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."
And I fail at it. My thoughts return back on myself like a yo-yo on a string.
"All my failures won't condemn me, but leave me paralyzed and bound.....when I'm at my worst, your love it finds me first."
This is where He finds me and frees me.
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2nd Timothy 1:7
Power. Love. Self-control. I will stay here at HIs feet and plead for these things until He fills my emptiness with Himself. Power to battle against temptation and lies and my flesh. Power to choose right, to choose hope and love when it is hard. ("God's love is always brave love"). Love like He is. Self-control to put self to death. To reach for Him when I am broken. To say no to my desires and wants, to love another more. To let go of fear and to cling closely to Him. He is faithful and He will accomplish all His good purposes.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
lessons in the quiet
by Alanna
I think a lot these days about being back in America. There many things await- a couch, a mixing bowl, a big spoon for stirring, a microwave, a blender, an oven. (I'm counting down the Saturdays of scrubbing clothes in the Pila). More important things are in America too- our church, our families.
We live in such solitude here. Other than work, we only really interact with each other. We walk everywhere together, but it doesn't involve relationships. As a married couple I feel it's something we haven't yet had- friendships and ministry and interactions with others, together. It's something in the States that we will have to learn again, have to practice. And I think it will push us outside of our comfort, outside of ourselves.
For the first months we were here, I struggled against this "solitude." I told God it couldn't be His will, for us to have no church and no real friends. To have no other "ministry" (so silly- I see now that these students have been our ministry all along). Then came that word I often forget and always need. "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
This is where He has us. And oh it has been beautiful for my husband and I- to have such time to grow this love he blessed us with. To work things out between us with only Him. To spend countless hours together and still to laugh together. To grow as one.
Perhaps also, God brought me here for something other than working with kids, or being strong and doing great things for Him. Sometimes I think it's so I would learn not to fear the silence. To cherish quiet times alone. To seek Him, to do spiritual battle, to intercede. To face my own weakness and doubt, and to find solace not in a friend's shoulder or my mom's words of wisdom, but only in Him. Many times I have ached for someone to share my heart with, and He is near.
I'm thankful because this is where He has me. Blessed with time, blessed with a husband to grow with. A husband who points me to lean heavier on God than on him. Blessed with a God who is my Father, a Savior who is my friend, a rock and a refuge.
I hope when we go home we will learn new things and be used in more ways. But I hope that we will be more dependent on God and more unified for our time in this place.
I think a lot these days about being back in America. There many things await- a couch, a mixing bowl, a big spoon for stirring, a microwave, a blender, an oven. (I'm counting down the Saturdays of scrubbing clothes in the Pila). More important things are in America too- our church, our families.
We live in such solitude here. Other than work, we only really interact with each other. We walk everywhere together, but it doesn't involve relationships. As a married couple I feel it's something we haven't yet had- friendships and ministry and interactions with others, together. It's something in the States that we will have to learn again, have to practice. And I think it will push us outside of our comfort, outside of ourselves.
For the first months we were here, I struggled against this "solitude." I told God it couldn't be His will, for us to have no church and no real friends. To have no other "ministry" (so silly- I see now that these students have been our ministry all along). Then came that word I often forget and always need. "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
This is where He has us. And oh it has been beautiful for my husband and I- to have such time to grow this love he blessed us with. To work things out between us with only Him. To spend countless hours together and still to laugh together. To grow as one.
Perhaps also, God brought me here for something other than working with kids, or being strong and doing great things for Him. Sometimes I think it's so I would learn not to fear the silence. To cherish quiet times alone. To seek Him, to do spiritual battle, to intercede. To face my own weakness and doubt, and to find solace not in a friend's shoulder or my mom's words of wisdom, but only in Him. Many times I have ached for someone to share my heart with, and He is near.
I'm thankful because this is where He has me. Blessed with time, blessed with a husband to grow with. A husband who points me to lean heavier on God than on him. Blessed with a God who is my Father, a Savior who is my friend, a rock and a refuge.
I hope when we go home we will learn new things and be used in more ways. But I hope that we will be more dependent on God and more unified for our time in this place.
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