a stay at home wife

by Alanna

written July 7th

Today is my first official day as a stay at home wife. I feel a little bit strange, as I won’t be working at a ‘real job’ for the first time in many years.  With baby girl due to come in just 3 ½ months, it doesn’t make sense to look for full-time work. I have to rest in this. It’s not my job to earn a regular paycheck, decide my hours, to run my own life. I have a husband, and I’m so blessed to be his wife. This is my purpose here.

So the floors are clean, lawn watered, books all sorted on shelves, the green house stacked with empty boxes. The kitchen organized, iced tea made, meat thawing in the fridge. We are spoiled here with a washing machine, kitchen counter space, and a couch of our own for the first time since we got married. (I don’t understand why God is so good to us. What does He want of me here? There’s nothing I can give in return for His love and His grace and His mercy. His gifts abound and I’m full to bursting with them). I’m ready for my husband to come home. I still feel like a newlywed, the way I miss him.

I came home to find that home is not all I imagined. My family is broken, and how did I forget? My brothers and sisters need Jesus. And apart from Him, what can I offer them? I know what life is like without Him, and it’s not possible to put yourself together. I want so badly for them to be whole, but only He can do it. I feel helpless these days. I am just two ears and two hands, and I can’t make things better here. But I know, I’m certain, that God can.

So what will I do with these days waiting for my daughter to arrive? Perhaps God wants me to simply do what He tried to teach me for so many months in Honduras. Pray. First I have to pray for strength and patience and hope and discipline. If I ask for these things He will give them I think. Maybe then I can be used to bang on His door, begging for good things for the people I love. Begging for love for them too, inside of frail little me. Without Him I’m nothing. 

coming 'home'

by Alanna

We are leaving this city on Sunday, our first year anniversary. On Monday we'll fly back to the United States. I've never been so willing and ready to leave a country as I feel now, I suppose for lots of reasons. But a little part of me is here. How could it not be? These students caused me trouble, but they are precious and I grew to love them and I hope that seeds were planted in their hearts that God will use. I'm thankful for our time here, for being shown so many things about myself that need growing. Patience, love, selflessness, diligence, hope, peace, joy.

Today I read it, that Paul called Him the God of hope and the God of peace. It makes me glad. Surely if He is the God of hope then He can fulfill ours. We don't have much in the States as far as material possessions- just some clothes and books, and a few kitchen items. No car, no house, no cell phones, no furniture. But we are wealthy in the family of believers there, and in our own families. We are wealthy because the God of hope and the God of peace goes with us. I'm excited to see what He has planned.

"May the God of hope fill you 

with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit 

you may 

abound in hope."

precious child

by Alanna [written on May 19th]

Dear one of my heart,

It is the eve of your birthday.
I write, as always, words you will never read,
an ocean away from you.
Tomorrow I feel is not an ordinary birthday for you.
5 years seems more of a miracle when I remember
your first months.
You struggled and fought for life,
and at least one momma of yours beat loud on heaven's door
pleading for you.
You have always been a miracle, precious one.

(Someone gave me a mother's day gift today, and said in Spanish that it was for the one I will soon have. But I knew, and the words caught in my throat and never came out, like always. 'I already have one, and he's turning 5 tomorrow).

You are a gift.
My heart aches with loving you.
Tonight memories come to me.
Memories of rocking you against my chest.
Of sharing chocolate with you on the doorstep of the cottage.
Of taking you to the zoo and the way you started saying new words
in your sure quiet voice,
as if it were so easy.
But I laughed in delight and amazement and wanted everyone to know.
The way you kept your 2 fingers in your mouth,
and smiled through them when I came to get you.
The way you laughed so hard and tottered as you ran.
All I have tonight is memories.

Memories and hopes and prayers for you now.
I pray God calls you like Samuel- young and unmistakable.
That you are an honest, humble, obedient, joyful boy.
That His joy finds you and fills you and pours out of you.

He has been so faithful to you,
and I'm convinced that He will continue to do good things in your life.
I thank God for you tonight.
I wish you a happy birthday tomorrow,
and pray that you begin to understand how very blessed you are.
I love you always.
With all my heart.

no fear

by Alanna

Marriage is hard. To open your heart up to love is to open it to pain. To let another in is to show the depths of depravity in my own heart. (And oh my heart is ugly). For my struggles to never again be personal. To be coupled with another breathing, growing child of God, for better or for worse. We build each other up or we pull each other down. I build this man up with hope and love, tear him down with despair and my immature fit throwing when things don't go my way.


"Our defeat means loss somewhere else. Our victory means gain."

 Sometimes I'm crippled by fear. Shackled by my own petty doubts, running circles around my own selfish heart. Afraid.

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have a "heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

And I fail at it. My thoughts return back on myself like a yo-yo on a string. 

"All my failures won't condemn me, but leave me paralyzed and bound.....when I'm at my worst, your love it finds me first." 

This is where He finds me and frees me.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2nd Timothy 1:7

Power. Love. Self-control. I will stay here at HIs feet and plead for these things until He fills my emptiness with Himself. Power to battle against temptation and lies and my flesh. Power to choose right, to choose hope and love when it is hard. ("God's love is always brave love"). Love like He is. Self-control to put self to death. To reach for Him when I am broken. To say no to my desires and wants, to love another more. To let go of fear and to cling closely to Him. He is faithful and He will accomplish all His good purposes.

lessons in the quiet

by Alanna

I think a lot these days about being back in America. There many things await- a couch, a mixing bowl, a big spoon for stirring, a microwave, a blender, an oven. (I'm counting down the Saturdays of scrubbing clothes in the Pila). More important things are in America too- our church, our families.

We live in such solitude here. Other than work, we only really interact with each other. We walk everywhere together, but it doesn't involve relationships. As a married couple I feel it's something we haven't yet had- friendships and ministry and interactions with others, together. It's something in the States that we will have to learn again, have to practice. And I think it will push us outside of our comfort, outside of ourselves.

For the first months we were here, I struggled against this "solitude." I told God it couldn't be His will, for us to have no church and no real friends. To have no other "ministry" (so silly- I see now that these students have been our ministry all along). Then came that word I often forget and always need. "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."

This is where He has us. And oh it has been beautiful for my husband and I- to have such time to grow this love he blessed us with. To work things out between us with only Him. To spend countless hours together and still to laugh together. To grow as one.

Perhaps also, God brought me here for something other than working with kids, or being strong and doing great things for Him. Sometimes I think it's so I would learn not to fear the silence. To cherish quiet times alone. To seek Him, to do spiritual battle, to intercede. To face my own weakness and doubt, and to find solace not in a friend's shoulder or my mom's words of wisdom, but only in Him. Many times I have ached for someone to share my heart with, and He is near.

I'm thankful because this is where He has me. Blessed with time, blessed with a husband to grow with. A husband who points me to lean heavier on God than on him. Blessed with a God who is my Father, a Savior who is my friend, a rock and a refuge.

I hope when we go home we will learn new things and be used in more ways. But I hope that we will be more dependent on God and more unified for our time in this place.

miracles here

by Alanna

I write this blog sitting in D’Sabores, a dessert place off our main boulevard, eating my 1^st donut in this country.

Miracles are happening here. A stretch of road down the street from us got paved, mostly. They did it like we do driveways in the States- with forms and poured concrete and leveling it off.

One of my hardest students has dramatically improved in the last months. He is still a small feisty fighter in recess, but in class he works and pays attention. He and I finally have a good relationship.

My students asked me in English class, when is God’s birthday? I told them God didn’t have a birthday, and was met with shocked and incredulous stares. Nearly all 20 little pairs of eyes seemed equally surprised to hear that God will never die either. We got around to how God hates sin and can’t let anyone into heaven because of it. I think they got it, because my worst student, in frustration, despairingly asked me in Spanish if nobody could go to heaven then? I drew them the shadow of the cross picture again, but this time they paid much more attention. For miracles like this, I remember why I wanted to come to Honduras.   

The baby is growing, and it’s a miracle. I’m in awe. My students pat my tummy and say, “Hola bebesito.” They ask lots of questions.

God is answering prayers. In our marriage, in our hearts. Growing us both. And I’m amazed because I can SEE it.

God is working in the life of our director at school. And he wants to bring us all along. He says that God wants a revival for ALCS. Yesterday all of the teachers had a “spiritual retreat,” and he gave us all material to read about what revival means. It was pages all about repentance, about the many sins we commit and how we need to confess them and humble ourselves before God. Afterward we talked for 2 hours and so many teachers confessed grievances they had held against each other. Asked forgiveness, sought reconciliation. We were surprised and thankful to find such a biblical idea of revival in a place so filled with emotionally driven “spiritual” experiences.

God has blessed us in other ways, to many to say. Surprising, undeserved grace.

“I will praise You forever for what You have done; in Your name I will hope, for Your name is good. I will praise You in the presence of Your saints.” –Psalm 52:9

 

A sponge

By Mary

I'm officially through my first week of being all alone with my two little peanuts. I'm so grateful for all of my mom's help while she was here, even more thankful just for her company and the quality time we had together--more than all the rest of our visits in the last four years combined.

Things have been going well for the most part since I've been on my own. I'm trying to live up our last two months in Maryland before we head back to some southern living in South Carolina this June. It's been really good being so intentional about spending time with my friends--with the added bonus of Gianna loving to be with their kids.

So far I haven't been late to anything and the house has kept pretty orderly. But it's hard sometimes...hard just because I miss my husband. Period. Hard learning to juggle the needs of an almost 2 month old and a just past 2 year old. Sometimes I miss all the attention I used to be able to give to my little girl (but she is the cutest big sister. Ever.)

But mostly I just find myself irritated over small things. The dog keeps getting in my face while I'm on the floor playing or changing diapers. I've got two stinky kids at the same time and didn't I just change them and why won't she just use the potty like I know she's aware she has to. I'm trying to get out of the house and why won't she just walk a little faster--and does she have to say the same things over and over and expect me to respond each time?

We just finished reading the book Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney in our ladies bible study group and something she wrote has been coming to mind a lot these days--

"If we hold out a soaking wet sponge and squeeze it, what will happen? Water will fall on the floor. We may look at the puddle and think it was caused by the squeeze. However, the squeeze only revealed what was already in the sponge. You could squeeze a dry sponge, but no water would come out. What's the point? As with a sponge, what is in our hearts will spill out of us when the squeeze is on. In other words, difficult interactions or trying experiences (the squeeze perpetrators) are not the cause of our angry reactions; rather they serve to reveal the sin that was there all along. Matthew 15: 13 says "what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart."

I've been finding a lot of selfishness and impatience in my heart lately. Which at first (and still occasionally) just made me feel worse, more defeated and more irritable. Because along with the part of me that chooses to be that way is a part that hates being that person.

But here in these last few days I'm so encouraged, so thankful that I'm not a "finished product" yet. I may be far from what I want to be, should be...but God's still sanctifying. Through all the little challenges. And when I don't blame the little challenges for making be a certain way, I have no other option than to take it up with God and beg Him to change my heart. Which is really the best option after all.