Thursday, May 22, 2014

precious child

by Alanna [written on May 19th]

Dear one of my heart,

It is the eve of your birthday.
I write, as always, words you will never read,
an ocean away from you.
Tomorrow I feel is not an ordinary birthday for you.
5 years seems more of a miracle when I remember
your first months.
You struggled and fought for life,
and at least one momma of yours beat loud on heaven's door
pleading for you.
You have always been a miracle, precious one.

(Someone gave me a mother's day gift today, and said in Spanish that it was for the one I will soon have. But I knew, and the words caught in my throat and never came out, like always. 'I already have one, and he's turning 5 tomorrow).

You are a gift.
My heart aches with loving you.
Tonight memories come to me.
Memories of rocking you against my chest.
Of sharing chocolate with you on the doorstep of the cottage.
Of taking you to the zoo and the way you started saying new words
in your sure quiet voice,
as if it were so easy.
But I laughed in delight and amazement and wanted everyone to know.
The way you kept your 2 fingers in your mouth,
and smiled through them when I came to get you.
The way you laughed so hard and tottered as you ran.
All I have tonight is memories.

Memories and hopes and prayers for you now.
I pray God calls you like Samuel- young and unmistakable.
That you are an honest, humble, obedient, joyful boy.
That His joy finds you and fills you and pours out of you.

He has been so faithful to you,
and I'm convinced that He will continue to do good things in your life.
I thank God for you tonight.
I wish you a happy birthday tomorrow,
and pray that you begin to understand how very blessed you are.
I love you always.
With all my heart.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

no fear

by Alanna

Marriage is hard. To open your heart up to love is to open it to pain. To let another in is to show the depths of depravity in my own heart. (And oh my heart is ugly). For my struggles to never again be personal. To be coupled with another breathing, growing child of God, for better or for worse. We build each other up or we pull each other down. I build this man up with hope and love, tear him down with despair and my immature fit throwing when things don't go my way.


"Our defeat means loss somewhere else. Our victory means gain."

 Sometimes I'm crippled by fear. Shackled by my own petty doubts, running circles around my own selfish heart. Afraid.

"If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve around myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have a "heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love."

And I fail at it. My thoughts return back on myself like a yo-yo on a string. 

"All my failures won't condemn me, but leave me paralyzed and bound.....when I'm at my worst, your love it finds me first." 

This is where He finds me and frees me.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2nd Timothy 1:7

Power. Love. Self-control. I will stay here at HIs feet and plead for these things until He fills my emptiness with Himself. Power to battle against temptation and lies and my flesh. Power to choose right, to choose hope and love when it is hard. ("God's love is always brave love"). Love like He is. Self-control to put self to death. To reach for Him when I am broken. To say no to my desires and wants, to love another more. To let go of fear and to cling closely to Him. He is faithful and He will accomplish all His good purposes.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

lessons in the quiet

by Alanna

I think a lot these days about being back in America. There many things await- a couch, a mixing bowl, a big spoon for stirring, a microwave, a blender, an oven. (I'm counting down the Saturdays of scrubbing clothes in the Pila). More important things are in America too- our church, our families.

We live in such solitude here. Other than work, we only really interact with each other. We walk everywhere together, but it doesn't involve relationships. As a married couple I feel it's something we haven't yet had- friendships and ministry and interactions with others, together. It's something in the States that we will have to learn again, have to practice. And I think it will push us outside of our comfort, outside of ourselves.

For the first months we were here, I struggled against this "solitude." I told God it couldn't be His will, for us to have no church and no real friends. To have no other "ministry" (so silly- I see now that these students have been our ministry all along). Then came that word I often forget and always need. "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."

This is where He has us. And oh it has been beautiful for my husband and I- to have such time to grow this love he blessed us with. To work things out between us with only Him. To spend countless hours together and still to laugh together. To grow as one.

Perhaps also, God brought me here for something other than working with kids, or being strong and doing great things for Him. Sometimes I think it's so I would learn not to fear the silence. To cherish quiet times alone. To seek Him, to do spiritual battle, to intercede. To face my own weakness and doubt, and to find solace not in a friend's shoulder or my mom's words of wisdom, but only in Him. Many times I have ached for someone to share my heart with, and He is near.

I'm thankful because this is where He has me. Blessed with time, blessed with a husband to grow with. A husband who points me to lean heavier on God than on him. Blessed with a God who is my Father, a Savior who is my friend, a rock and a refuge.

I hope when we go home we will learn new things and be used in more ways. But I hope that we will be more dependent on God and more unified for our time in this place.