our 'rights'

by Alanna

A few weeks ago, I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown. I started to seriously fear the future, panicked, shut down, and then became angry at God for what I was afraid He might do. It boiled down to the simple fact that I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust that He had the best plan for little one. I doubted that He had the best plan for me. For a few days I distracted myself, let my anger simmer, and tried not to think too much. Then I turned on an Otto Koning sermon, in which he talked about surrendering our rights. As he began to talk about his children, and how he had to learn to surrender them, I broke down. I realized that this is what God wanted me to do.

Since that sermon, God has been at work in my heart. I went to visit my dear friend Anna Marie, and we were able to talk about so much and work through so many things that were laying heaviest on my heart. God has been showing me so much, and confirming that truth for me over and over again.

I could blog about a lot of things, but the biggest one to me is that we need to surrender our rights to God. Everyday, multiple times a day, I have to surrender my child to Him. It is so easy to take back our burdens. I have to remind myself that we don't have a 'right' to anything. All is grace, all are gifts given by a good Father. It is time that I began to acknowledge that I have no right to be a mother. It was always a gift. When I surrender this to God, it is freeing to me. It is acknowledging that I have no control over the situation- it is entirely in God's capable, trustworthy hands. I still ask God to fight for little one, but I ask in confidence that He takes good care of what belongs to Him. Grieving, wondering, praying, seeking- it is so much easier when it all involves surrender. Still it is hard for me, everytime. God has been so faithful to me and so near. He gives us the strength to let go of our rights, to lay down low and trust Him. He is so much bigger than we are, so much wiser, so much more compassionate and full of lovingkindness. I ask Him to grant me the grace to surrender, step aside, and watch Him work miracles.

treasuring

For every time my little baby Gianna keeps us up late in the night, crying for some reason I can't discover, I think of a baby who never made a sound because she'd given up hope of getting a response to it.

For every time she starts crying her hungry little cry just an hour after she ate, I stop for a minute to be thankful that she can eat her fill whenever her little tummy tells her it's hungry.

For every time I hear baby grunts and coos coming from her bassinet and see two small hands flailing and two feet kicking when I'd hoped she might nap for a while, I pick her up and play with her anyway because this baby has a family and I have the time and there's no reason for her to sit alone.

And every time I don't stop to treasure each moment, each smile and sleepless night, my heart remembers that this isn't forever, that nothing is guaranteed. Time flies by so quickly and you never know what the next moment will bring.

So I try to make myself remember that this is true for all of life. When I do the dishes yet again and when the dog tries to drag me through our walk, every minute with my husband and all those moments far from my family, that gorgeous sunset and all the days of gray above my head when the sun doesn't even seem to exist anymore.

I read in Job this week of all that he was blessed with and all that he lost. And I feel with him when the verses show his grief, how he tore his robe and shaved his head and fell to the ground...but on the ground, in the dirt, he worshipped. And maybe as I learn to treasure all of life, I'll learn to give God the worship due Him when it's not the natural response of my heart to praise. Because He remains steadfast and unchanging no matter what life brings, shouldn't my respsonse to Him be the same--no matter what?