Sometimes its hard to know how vulnerable to be on a public blog, although I know few eyes read here. God has been teaching me things lately, and I'm so thankful for them and I don't want to forget them. Some of them are old lessons, about surrender and trust and how to pray fiercely for something that you want badly and still keep your hands open wide. I forgot how, and a picture of this little boy brings it back to me. Then I remember those long nights of crying with fists clenched and then finally laying him down. And in that laying down I found immense freedom. Freedom to pray harder and to pray more hopefully. Because I prayed to an all powerful and good God who held in His hands who I held in my heart. And He is the same God still. So I'm reminded that when you want something badly, and you pray for it every day, and struggle to keep hoping for it, you have to surrender. Every day. Surrender. I hope I'm learning this one again, albeit ever so slowly.
Another lesson that God taught me was through prayers for my daughter. I ask for her to be filled up with His love so that it overflows from her life. I ask for her to be confident in His love. And then in my fears and doubts, I discovered such a lack of confidence in myself. I cried on the way to work because I was afraid that God would give me more than I could handle. I was afraid that He wouldn't answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I was afraid that I would never be enough, that I would never feel assured enough of love to stop this foolish crying. God graciously reminded me that I don't have to be enough. That I am not capable to handle these things, but that He is.
He also reminds me that I am not rejected, because His Son was rejected in my place. I belong, I am bought and redeemed and precious in His sight. He is trustworthy and even when I don't understand, I know that He has not given up on me. His grace is sufficient, and even His power is made more perfect in my weakness. So at work I picked up a dandelion to make a wish, and a thousand different ones blew through my mind. Things I've been praying for what seems so long, things I ache to see accomplished by my King. But then with clarity it came. I needed to ask for confidence in love. Confidence in the Father's love, in the Son's love, in the Spirit's love, in my husband's love. I want to rest like a weaned child against my good God, in confidence and trust. He is very worthy.