Well we've officially added baby number two to the mix at our house. It has been a joy and still I've cried in exhaustion once or twice. I've been learning some hard lessons, am learning still.
I make these long to-do lists for myself, great expectations. Believing somehow that if my floors were clean and the laundry all put away that I could believe I was a good wife, a good mom. I've wrapped my worth all up in clean dishes and homemade tortillas. And the fact is, floors are dirty and the moment I've put away the last piece of laundry I turn to find more dirty in the hamper. My husband tells me to rest, tells me that these things on my list don't have to be done on Monday. We will all survive until Tuesday without tortillas. Once that to-do list is complete I will come up with more anyway. Sort through the baby clothes, make some freezer meals. It never ends and I'm tired and I wonder if I inherited this or if I just acquired it over time. Looking to prove myself by what I can do, always. I wonder if this is the definition of workaholism or perfectionism.
I heard a song borrowed from my dear cousin called Rest Easy. About how we don't have to work so hard because Jesus has already done it all. He already holds our heart in His hands and we can rest in that. Then my brother reminds me of Hudson Taylor's spiritual secret, the greatest wonder that he had to share with the world. Abiding in Jesus. Not fighting, not striving to become or conquer. Just abiding. Just letting Jesus abide in us.
My thinking is warped because I've put my worth in the wrong place. Thinking that if I accomplish enough that can be noticed that I will prove myself to be someone. When really I am poor and needy, but the wondrous thing is that the Lord takes thought of me. My thinking is wrong too because I place all this value on things of this world. The fact is, only three things are really eternal. God, God's words, and the souls of people. The soul of my husband, the souls of my children. My baby girl asks me to read her bible stories, and I almost turn away because today's the day for cleaning the bathroom. I can't let my husband hug me long in the morning because breakfast has to be made. I don't want to be this way. I want to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to Him. I want to be filled with Him so that I can pour out to others in joy. I want to love deeply. I want to value the souls of people more than clean dishes.