Tuesday, May 31, 2011

learning together

By Mary

Alanna and I started blogging together partially to keep connected as we were moving apart, partially to update others on our lives and the courses they were taking and mostly because our God is awesome. He has done marvelous things in our small, simple lives and how can we not talk about it?

We may not have amazing things to say, or write them in the most amazing way, but at least we'll be two more people talking about the most amazing God.

That's our passion, our heart. But how easy to lose sight of it, to lose the passion and the drive, the focus. When it's not cultivated, when you stop for a moment and look to something else. When you let some other good thing take the place of what is greatest. When you ask only for the gifts, not to know the heart of the One Who gives.

It happens quicker than you think and really before you realize it and you can't seem to find the joy of the Lord people talk about...because you're looking for the joy in other things, without even noticing it.


I talked to Alanna about all of this last week and I'm amazed at the way God seems to teach us similar lessons at similar times, even now when things have changed so much and we can't
talk all the time or practically live at each other's houses.

A lot of people who don't know us well look at our trip to Africa together as the definition of our friendship and I love that it's so much more than that. It wasn't the beginning or the ending but a stop along the way that changed us forever and brought us even closer.

And even in those moments when I get so lonely here, in a state I never thought about visiting, much less living in, I'm so thankful to have true friends to share my heart, to listen and love and understand and point me in the right direction, to tell me true things, even tough things. To pray and grieve and rejoice.

Today I'm thankful for lessons learned, lessons shared. And mostly, that I have a patient Teacher.

(updates on moving to Maryland coming later...)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

reminders

by Alanna


I've been trying to look for gifts lately. I feel like it has been so long since I rejoiced to be alive. I don't like this path I see myself headed down- bitterness, cynicism, hopelessness. Those aren't things that the redeemed are known for. I want to mourn without a trace of depression, to be angry at the state of the world, without any hate. I want my heart to break for the orphans, but I want to live worthy of caring for them. And I guess this is a part of it. Practicing being thankful, asking God for joy. Anyway, in that spirit, I reluctantly agreed to a trip to the mountains on Thursday. Don't get me wrong- I love the mountains. But I'd gathered that this was to be more of a work trip, and construction isn't one of my interests. I hadn't been to the mountains in a long time though, and I didn't have much better to do that day. So I headed up with my dad and three of the brothers, and watched God's blessings, in awe, all day long.

The mountains in themselves are a gift. I can tell when we are really getting into them because they tower around and I feel so sheltered, protected there. Even just winding up and down steep roads, I can't stop looking at the cliffs on either side, and straining to see the blue sky above. It is such a crazy feeling to be surrounded by those giants. At what feels like the top of the world, I and the brothers went exploring old mining warehouses, and I felt like a little kid again. Feeling for handrails in the dark, climbing ladders and finding cannonballs. Then the snow, and the way it felt between my fingers. I hadn't felt snow in a long time- more than a year. With the sun shining, it was piled high along the sides of the dirt roads. Then we shot guns into a snowbank, and I sat in the open back of the jeep. Its something incredible to just be in these mountains. Everything is so beautiful, and for some reason its there that I feel closest, in a way, to South Africa. Maybe its the country, or the long road through valleys. Maybe its just that my eyes are so open- palm held out to receive God's gifts, like a little kid. Those mountains make me feel that way. They make me feel so small. God was big enough to speak them into existence, and I believe that He hears little insignificant me, standing in the valley and pouring out my heart to Him. But my fears feel not so daunting, my doubts not so logical, when I stand in the valley between these peaks. God IS still big enough to speak these mountains into existence. And He is still big enough to move mountains too. More beautiful still, He clearly loves me enough to place me there- in the midst of all that beauty, where He knew I'd find some sort of calm for my frantic heart. The mountains remind me that God hasn't forgotten us. On the drive out, I made a remark about how the sky looks so big once you get back into the foothills. And my brother said that the sky is always beautiful, we just take it for granted. Maybe it is that way with all of God's blessings. Thanking Him, tonight, for these.

Friday, May 20, 2011

for my little one

by Alanna

dear little one,
Happy Birthday. For some reason this special day finds you and I an ocean apart. It's one of the many things I don't understand about this world- why a mother can't be with her son on his birthday. It feels so wrong to me. Maybe that's why the tears come more freely these days. Somewhere on the other side of the world, you are just getting ready for breakfast. I hope that someone kissed you when they got you up this morning. I hope they remembered. That this day is not an ordinary one, because today you get to celebrate 2 years of life. I hope that many have told you "happy birthday!" by now. I hope you get to have a beautiful breakfast- maybe even something less ordinary than baby cereal. I hope that you get to have a birthday cake, and hopefully ice cream. Maybe someone will remember that you like chocolate best. I hope that you don't miss me much. There's a sullen ache in my heart, a gaping space in me where you've taken my heart and left a cavern. I pray everyday that you don't feel even a taste of that sadness. I hope you don't look for me at lunchtime when I used to come back from preschool and scoop you into my arms. I hope you don't keep saying my name and looking for me, because I am oh so far away now. In some small way though, I hope that you remember me. I hope you remember that to someone, you are the most beautiful person in the world. I hope you remember in your soul what it is to be loved, and that somehow you know that that love has never left you. I hope my love has made your heart tender. I want you to see someday, even half of the things that I see in you. The gifts that God has given you. The breathtaking way He formed you into being, brought you through death itself, and sustains you every moment. When I look into your eyes, I see beauty there. The beauty of God's plans. They've not yet come to fruition, but I want you to know the plans God has for you. Plans for you to glorify His name, to love Him and run hard after Him. You are a precious gift Teboho. I want you to know that not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. I plead with God to save you, to reveal Himself to you. I can't help but thank Him for you, and I pray that He nurtures and builds you up every moment. I love you with all my heart. I am so proud of you. You won't remember, and few others will, but it has been quite a battle for you to reach this birthday. Despite your rough start though, you were always so full of joy and laughter. I pray that you never stop being a fighter, and at the same time, that you always let God fight for you. I pray that today you will be blessed with joy and love from those around you. And most of all, that God would pour His love and grace especially into your heart. I love you my dear one.
with all my heart,
your mommy

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

all about life

By Mary

I have little motivation to write these days. My mind is busy thinking about accomplishing, more than about sharing its thoughts. I've been slow with emails, bad with letters and even preoccupied in person. And I guess now is as good a time as any to write all about my life.

I'm beginning to go through lasts when I still feel like I have so many firsts to experience. Our time in North Carolina went quicker than I imagined--and by that I mean a job offer in Maryland became an order which requires a move in three weeks. We'll be giving up small town life for the city again which in my mind has huge benefits and only a few drawbacks, though if we could find a place to live before we move, I'd feel much better.

We had our last night of Awana (our last one ever here) I cooked my last meal for the Senior Saints group at little Community Baptist church (successful, apart from the disastrous lemon meringue pie incident) and the days our ticking down as our last in our new house.

I've had plenty of firsts with the paperwork for things like renting out our house and setting up a government move. I had my first Mothers Day that I couldn't be with my mom...and also my first Mothers Day as a mommy myself. The newest thing in Parises will be debuting in January. So now there's the firsts of doctors appointments.

And today I gave Allie the first successful bath I've managed by myself and of which I'm quite proud.

My sister-in-law and I spent a couple days painting their house this week--including their nursery. The church out here has a full of pastor appreciation, with a big kick-off this Sunday. The ladies of the church provide meals for the week for the pastors' families and I'm trying hard not to forget that I'm making something next Tuesday.

Today is another day full of looking for rentals, cleaning and cooking and missing good friends.

This morning I shared a prayer request with Alanna, that I would depend on God and turn to Him not only when I'm broken or needing something from Him. And I this afternoon God gave me a little reminder to do just that http://littlepinkhouse.net/2011/05/deep-breath/

He is good.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

by Alanna

[the past two weeks, I've felt like this...]
"How long, O Lord, will I call for help, and You will not hear? I cry out to You, "Violence!" yet You do not save."

"Are you not from everlasting, O Lord, my God, my Holy One?...Your eyes are too pure to approve evil, and You can not look on wickedness with favor. Why do You look with favor on those who deal treacherously? Why are You silent when the wicked swallow up those more righteous than they?"
(Habakkuk 1:2, 12a, 13)

[good friends have been telling me things like this....]
"You turn things around! Shall the potter be considered as equal with the clay, that what is made would say to its maker, "He did not make me"; or what is formed say to him who formed it, "He has no understanding"?
(Isaiah 29:16)

[i read lots in isaiah about judgment and wrath and death, and also in a seemingly contradictory and yet strangely comforting way, how God would be this...]
"For You have been a defense for the helpless, a defense for the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat"
(Isaiah 25:4)

[someday...]

"And it will be said in that day, "Behold, this is our God for whom we have waited that He might save us. This is the Lord for whom we have waited; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."
(Isaiah 25:9)

[until then...despite all the confusion and doubts and fears and unbelief, i long to say this....]

"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places."
Habakkuk 3:17-19