for my little one

by Alanna

dear little one,
Happy Birthday. For some reason this special day finds you and I an ocean apart. It's one of the many things I don't understand about this world- why a mother can't be with her son on his birthday. It feels so wrong to me. Maybe that's why the tears come more freely these days. Somewhere on the other side of the world, you are just getting ready for breakfast. I hope that someone kissed you when they got you up this morning. I hope they remembered. That this day is not an ordinary one, because today you get to celebrate 2 years of life. I hope that many have told you "happy birthday!" by now. I hope you get to have a beautiful breakfast- maybe even something less ordinary than baby cereal. I hope that you get to have a birthday cake, and hopefully ice cream. Maybe someone will remember that you like chocolate best. I hope that you don't miss me much. There's a sullen ache in my heart, a gaping space in me where you've taken my heart and left a cavern. I pray everyday that you don't feel even a taste of that sadness. I hope you don't look for me at lunchtime when I used to come back from preschool and scoop you into my arms. I hope you don't keep saying my name and looking for me, because I am oh so far away now. In some small way though, I hope that you remember me. I hope you remember that to someone, you are the most beautiful person in the world. I hope you remember in your soul what it is to be loved, and that somehow you know that that love has never left you. I hope my love has made your heart tender. I want you to see someday, even half of the things that I see in you. The gifts that God has given you. The breathtaking way He formed you into being, brought you through death itself, and sustains you every moment. When I look into your eyes, I see beauty there. The beauty of God's plans. They've not yet come to fruition, but I want you to know the plans God has for you. Plans for you to glorify His name, to love Him and run hard after Him. You are a precious gift Teboho. I want you to know that not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. I plead with God to save you, to reveal Himself to you. I can't help but thank Him for you, and I pray that He nurtures and builds you up every moment. I love you with all my heart. I am so proud of you. You won't remember, and few others will, but it has been quite a battle for you to reach this birthday. Despite your rough start though, you were always so full of joy and laughter. I pray that you never stop being a fighter, and at the same time, that you always let God fight for you. I pray that today you will be blessed with joy and love from those around you. And most of all, that God would pour His love and grace especially into your heart. I love you my dear one.
with all my heart,
your mommy