This week has been hard. Giving in to fear, believing lies. Acting out of my own selfish heart, all my decisions grown out of fear. I want to protect my heart, and so I lock it up sometimes and hide the key. And depression- that ugly word that I rarely admit to even myself- it grows in my solitude. I wake with a heavy burden on me, my heart who knows where but not here and not beating joy and love. Sometimes I blame Him, when I know that if it wasn't for His rescue of me, I'd be hopelessly lost. Sometimes I envy those who seem to wake up to joy. No matter how their life is going, joy comes easy and they are happy. And when my life is beautiful and blessed, full of people who love me dearly, with a shining sun and a beautiful place to live, I cry because I can't shake this. Why is joy so hard to grasp? This baby girl crawls toward me with her big smile, sure that I love her. And I'm sure of the Father's love like this. Why don't I run to Him? I read these words over and over again, written on my whiteboard. Out loud. Silent. I believe these promises to be true.
And the ransomed of the Lord
shall return and come to Zion
shall be on their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
I, I am He who comforts you;
who are you that you are afraid
of man who dies
of the son of man who is made like grass,
and have forgotten the Lord,
who stretched out the heavens
and laid the foundations of the earth...
Everlasting joy. A some day promise that I long for with all my heart. And a Comforter- here, today, in the midst of all this. My Maker. I want to run to Him and I don't want to just wait and hope for the someday promises. I want to reach for joy today. No matter how many times it takes, to choose to rejoice. Because for some of us the quest for joy is a battle. Thankful that we have a Mighty God on our side.