soul weary

By Mary

I never really realize how long I've been missing in action on this blogging thing until I look at the dates of my posts. How does time go so quickly?

Ever since my first baby, I've pretty much given up journaling. Not intentionally, just from lack of intentionality in making it happen. Blogging has become my only kind of journal really for the last two years and I still don't stay consistent!

2014 so far has been...crazy. Busy. Difficult. It seems to just get harder and harder the longer it goes on. We made it through my husband's four months of training in Virginia and we've got an officer in the house now! The movers have already come and taken away all of our household good, stored in South Carolina somewhere for the time being. We've been living in the house we own in North Carolina, as our tenants vacated just days before we had to be out of our townhouse and my husband had another three weeks of training at a base down here.

It was hard leaving Maryland. Gianna got sick early in our last week there, and then I followed suit halfway through so we missed out on a lot of our last get togethers and sort of skipped saying goodbye to a lot of people. I guess it almost is easier that way. I felt so at home there and I'm not the type to easily pick up and move on. But I'm determined to make the most of this move, add on to the list of dear long distance friendships and also try to do my best with new people in South Carolina.

It's been hectic to say the least, between long distance house hunting, setting up the move with the military side of things, preparing for the move on my side, my husband's graduation and in-law visits, sickness, trying to enjoy last moments with friends and trying (and failing) to keep up with everyone back home. That's part of why things have fallen by the wayside, like posting new blogs. But truth is I feel so weary. Not just tired of keeping up with the kids or being sick or camping in an empty house...but soul weary, like I'm barely keeping my head above water in every single area of my life.

I wrote the above several weeks ago (um, have I mentioned I don't have a clue how time gets away from me like that?) I still thought I'd post it, especially since my creative juices aren't flowing much for any other writing.

We made it down to South Carolina at the very end of June, living in a hotel for ten days and starting to look at houses in person. We gave up on renting a place since literally every property I call about has multiple applications on it and even base housing isn't really an option because of the wait list.

After a couple of long days, we found one! It's scary to think of owning two houses--and oh such a hassle to buy a second one we've discovered. I'm so grateful God provided built in friends for us in South Carolina. They've helped us keep our sanity a little bit, showed us the area, watched our kids, let us use their washer and dryer. And Nick will also be learning his new role as an officer with our friend (a Chief Warrant Officer 3) to help mentor him, which again is just an outstanding piece of goodness on God's part to my way of thinking.

Our trouble right now is the length of time it takes to close on a house, as well as doing everything long distance since we came down to Alabama to stay with my husband's family before he has to check into his new unit. We're trying to save the money (and craziness) of living in a hotel again for an extended period of time. We were hoping to close on the 24th of this month but now, with paperwork and inspections taking so long, we're being told it might not be til the 31st or later. So we'll see where we end up living for the rest of this month, since Nick has to check in by the 25th.

I'm just ready to have a house again. And I'm a little bummed that with all of this vacation time Nick's taking, we're not getting a whole lot of just simple peace.

But I'm reminded it could easily be even harder. Another family of a new Warrant Officer had to make the move from Germany to California, with all the random crazy hassles you can imagine. And I remember to be thankful for my lot...for 10:30 at night, laying next to my little girl in her fold out hotel bed as she finally falls asleep after a napless day. What's crankiness and lack of a nicely scheduled day compared to tousled curls curls on pink cheeks and her chest rising and falling with her deep sleep-breaths? And what's a little over-feeding my now 5 month old now and then just to have him quiet enough for the other two to sleep, compared to his sweet dopey smiles and chuckley little laugh and his new achievements day by day. And really even, what is the occasional (or, well, maybe sometimes frequent) friction and frustration with my husband from these little stresses and the simple adjustment of learning to live together again, compared to being able to live together and deal with it all together. In the same zip code, under the same roof--even if its not ours. It's too easy to take it all for granted already, everything I missed for months.

And really, in the end, what's being without a home to call my own when my God is a refuge, a present help and an everlasting rock?

a stay at home wife

by Alanna

written July 7th

Today is my first official day as a stay at home wife. I feel a little bit strange, as I won’t be working at a ‘real job’ for the first time in many years.  With baby girl due to come in just 3 ½ months, it doesn’t make sense to look for full-time work. I have to rest in this. It’s not my job to earn a regular paycheck, decide my hours, to run my own life. I have a husband, and I’m so blessed to be his wife. This is my purpose here.

So the floors are clean, lawn watered, books all sorted on shelves, the green house stacked with empty boxes. The kitchen organized, iced tea made, meat thawing in the fridge. We are spoiled here with a washing machine, kitchen counter space, and a couch of our own for the first time since we got married. (I don’t understand why God is so good to us. What does He want of me here? There’s nothing I can give in return for His love and His grace and His mercy. His gifts abound and I’m full to bursting with them). I’m ready for my husband to come home. I still feel like a newlywed, the way I miss him.

I came home to find that home is not all I imagined. My family is broken, and how did I forget? My brothers and sisters need Jesus. And apart from Him, what can I offer them? I know what life is like without Him, and it’s not possible to put yourself together. I want so badly for them to be whole, but only He can do it. I feel helpless these days. I am just two ears and two hands, and I can’t make things better here. But I know, I’m certain, that God can.

So what will I do with these days waiting for my daughter to arrive? Perhaps God wants me to simply do what He tried to teach me for so many months in Honduras. Pray. First I have to pray for strength and patience and hope and discipline. If I ask for these things He will give them I think. Maybe then I can be used to bang on His door, begging for good things for the people I love. Begging for love for them too, inside of frail little me. Without Him I’m nothing.