by Alanna
Since being married, I've learned more about myself. One thing my husband recently sugested to me is that I'm a workaholic. At first I didn't believe it, but now I'm sure it's true.
Here this always work to do. Every night, I could plan more. I could grade exams. I could sweep the floors, or start dinner, or make tortillas, or start the laundry. But so often those things can wait.
This past week I've been sick, and my husband has been making dinner. I've had to rest. It's good practice for me, to stop thinking about subtraction and how to motivate 4th graders to learn. It's not good to be always a Martha, tempted to judge the Mary's. I need to learn to be still.
Another thing God's been teaching me is how to be still in the working, how to stop and breathe when my hands are busy. I've been reminded by Ann Voskamp, Amy Carmichael, Brother Lawrence, and Paul, to remember eternal things. A quick look up- "Lord, Thou knowest," a deep breath of thanksgiving, a deliberate response of love to one of those many clamoring voices calling "Mrs. Hailu!" Time spent just being with my husband. Talking with people in my breaks at work, rather than planning lessons. I ache to rejoice always, to love better, to put to death my own selfish desires. A dear friend reminded me that we can't just think hard enough to squeeze out this fruit. We have to abide in the Vine, drink deep of Him. These days I pray to practice acknowledging His presence, long for Him to keep me close to Him. When I work and when I rest.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
when they drive me crazy (September 10th)
September 10th
by Alanna
My class drives me crazy sometimes. I never imagined I could have such a difficult time with a group of 6-year-olds. I never imagined my patience was so lacking, and my love so utterly inadequate for these little ones. Yesterday I borrowed the English word 'manic' to describe the kids in my class. At the end of the day, I wanted to cry and some of them already were.
I was in such a grumpy mood that night, that I laid on the floor with pen and paper, and didn't get up until it was full of things I am grateful for. Not things I made up just to list, but actually beautiful and good things that God has done and is doing in our lives.
Today was dia de los ninos- day of the children. It is the day to celebrate children and how precious they are to God. Why can't I see them as precious as He does? Love for kids has always come so easily to me. These days loving is hard and messy and I don't have enough to go around. Today was a new day, different than all the days before. (Every day is new right?) I celebrated them. We ate together and laughed together and one boy helped me sort papers after school. In the midst of it, my most trouble making student called me over to his desk and said "Usted es el mejor maestra!" (You are the best teacher). These days I feel anything like that, but oh that boy made me smile today.
Sometimes I wonder what we are doing here in Honduras. My husband shows me on my ipod, a note from months ago, in which I thanked God for "the possibility of living in Honduras". I laughed and thanked God that we are here now, even when its hard. Because there is so much good in this chaos.
by Alanna
My class drives me crazy sometimes. I never imagined I could have such a difficult time with a group of 6-year-olds. I never imagined my patience was so lacking, and my love so utterly inadequate for these little ones. Yesterday I borrowed the English word 'manic' to describe the kids in my class. At the end of the day, I wanted to cry and some of them already were.
I was in such a grumpy mood that night, that I laid on the floor with pen and paper, and didn't get up until it was full of things I am grateful for. Not things I made up just to list, but actually beautiful and good things that God has done and is doing in our lives.
Today was dia de los ninos- day of the children. It is the day to celebrate children and how precious they are to God. Why can't I see them as precious as He does? Love for kids has always come so easily to me. These days loving is hard and messy and I don't have enough to go around. Today was a new day, different than all the days before. (Every day is new right?) I celebrated them. We ate together and laughed together and one boy helped me sort papers after school. In the midst of it, my most trouble making student called me over to his desk and said "Usted es el mejor maestra!" (You are the best teacher). These days I feel anything like that, but oh that boy made me smile today.
Sometimes I wonder what we are doing here in Honduras. My husband shows me on my ipod, a note from months ago, in which I thanked God for "the possibility of living in Honduras". I laughed and thanked God that we are here now, even when its hard. Because there is so much good in this chaos.
my inadequacy
October 3
by Alanna
I haven't blogged here lately, partly because of a lack of time, and partly because I haven't had a good enough attitude to type grace and blessings and positive here. Many times I have sat down to write, but not found the words. My husband keeps telling me to just write the truth. So today I'm going to try.
The last month of teaching school has been hard. I teach 1st grade most of the day, and also 4th grade language in the morning 6 times a week. For the most part 4th grade has been going well, but the 1st graders have tired me out exceedingly. There are twenty of them, ten boys and ten girls. They are wild, disobedient, talkative, and forgetful. I have had such a hard time managing them, and even a hard time loving them these first couple weeks. I thought I knew better how to discipline and manage kids. All my life, I wanted to work with kids in a third world country. I wanted to come to Honduras. I thought that love would come easy, that I would have patience for them, that I would see them always as gifts and blessings and rejoice to be their teacher. In some ways, I imagined I was capable. Loving kids is the only thing I ever thought I could do well.
Our first month of being here has taught me that I am inadequate and incapable. I don't know how to love kids well, let alone how to manage and teach them. I don't possess patience beyond a half hour's worth. I don't have the wisdom to do this job well, or the discernment of how to balance all this work with being a wife. I don't have limitless joy and gratitude that triumphs despite adverse circumstances. I don't always trust that we are right where God wants us to be, and that His plans are best. I am indeed an empty jar of clay.
Perhaps this is one thing God is doing with me here in Honduras. Revealing to me that the wealth I thought I possessed is but nothing. He is my Sufficiency, to fill up all that I lack. Although it is hard, I'm glad today that I am nothing without Him. He is everything. I'm amazed that He chooses to use us, weak as we are. I hope that in this weakness, He is glorified.
by Alanna
I haven't blogged here lately, partly because of a lack of time, and partly because I haven't had a good enough attitude to type grace and blessings and positive here. Many times I have sat down to write, but not found the words. My husband keeps telling me to just write the truth. So today I'm going to try.
The last month of teaching school has been hard. I teach 1st grade most of the day, and also 4th grade language in the morning 6 times a week. For the most part 4th grade has been going well, but the 1st graders have tired me out exceedingly. There are twenty of them, ten boys and ten girls. They are wild, disobedient, talkative, and forgetful. I have had such a hard time managing them, and even a hard time loving them these first couple weeks. I thought I knew better how to discipline and manage kids. All my life, I wanted to work with kids in a third world country. I wanted to come to Honduras. I thought that love would come easy, that I would have patience for them, that I would see them always as gifts and blessings and rejoice to be their teacher. In some ways, I imagined I was capable. Loving kids is the only thing I ever thought I could do well.
Our first month of being here has taught me that I am inadequate and incapable. I don't know how to love kids well, let alone how to manage and teach them. I don't possess patience beyond a half hour's worth. I don't have the wisdom to do this job well, or the discernment of how to balance all this work with being a wife. I don't have limitless joy and gratitude that triumphs despite adverse circumstances. I don't always trust that we are right where God wants us to be, and that His plans are best. I am indeed an empty jar of clay.
Perhaps this is one thing God is doing with me here in Honduras. Revealing to me that the wealth I thought I possessed is but nothing. He is my Sufficiency, to fill up all that I lack. Although it is hard, I'm glad today that I am nothing without Him. He is everything. I'm amazed that He chooses to use us, weak as we are. I hope that in this weakness, He is glorified.
But we have this treasure
in jars of clay,
to show that the surpassing power
belongs to God
and not to us.
2nd Corinthians 4:7
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