happy birthday

by Alanna

Dear little one,

Happy birthday.
Although five days have passed now since then
I have thought of you each one.
And finally find the time to sit down and write.
To a little boy across the ocean
who is not so little anymore.

On your birthday we had a picnic
with my three babies here.
And they didn't know why I celebrated
but I did.

I celebrate on your birthday
because you are precious.
Because I am so thankful
that God created you.
Because He has done such
tremendous things in your life.
Because he has grown you so well.
I celebrate because of the things
He taught me through you.
And the beautiful way He let me be a part of your story.

In my mind's eye you are still young,
toddling up the dirt path years ago.
You were learning words back then
And I cheered for every one.
Now you are learning bigger things
and I am not around to see them
but I am confident that your family
is cheering you on as you learn and grow.

I hope that your birthday was full of joy.
I hope that you are learning about God
and the tremendous love He has for you.
I pray for you my dear one,
that you would grow strong
and that you would know Jesus
and love Him above all.

I send you all my love always
from across these many miles.
Happy birthday.

I don't deserve this redemption

by Alanna

So many times lately I find myself being pulled out of the muck and mire by strong hands.  Jesus bearing me up, God being the strength of my heart.  Sometimes it's a quick whispered prayer- "Jesus, I can't do this. Please live in me." Sometimes it's a harder battle on my knees. And His redemption, His power, His love blows me away.  Especially the weaker I feel and the more I see my own inadequacies.  These last few months have been hard emotionally, not because anything has gone wrong but just because depression has hit me harder than I've ever known it before.  I can't help waking up this way, spending whole days keeping back tears and just trying to stay afloat.  But I don't want to use this darkness as an excuse for sin.  We all go through hard things, paths that Jesus asks us to walk that we might not have chosen.  (Didn't He also walk that way?)  I want Him to be glorified in the midst of all this.  If I'm going to cry than I want to let Him be my comfort, not pull away from Him.  The redemption that has blown me away the most lately is the one that I haven't asked for.  When I went for a walk and left my husband, tired and frustrated and counting down the hours til the day could end.  Because sometimes I give up, and I write off days as "hopeless".  In the morning things will be better, I tell myself.  But I don't think that Jesus works that way.  Instead of praying to Him and asking Him to change me, I just thought about pointless things and talked to my kids and distracted myself.  But His strong hands will not let me go.  And even sometimes when I want to quit, He will not let me.  He gave me my husband that day when I got home, patient and kind despite me.  He gave me gifts and laughter and hugs and things I wouldn't have even dreamed to ask for.  He redeemed the most broken morning.  And not just once but I have seen Him do it several times this past week, and countless times over my lifetime.  I want to do better at hoping, at believing and trusting and obeying Him.  I know I can never deserve this redemption, but I want to fall on His grace more and more.  I know that this blog is disjointed and perhaps rambling, but I hope that it is a testament to God's goodness. His love is never ending, unstoppable, furious.  He died to redeem us.  I am so thankful for His daily redemption of me.   

for my son

by Alanna

Dear Samuel,

You are going to be one soon, and I want to capture the memories of where you are now and praise God for you.  You are my darling joy, nearly always happy and eager to smile at whoever will smile at you. I see you even in the grocery store, smiling at strangers who will give you their attention.  You are an active little boy, walking almost everywhere now- with your arms still high up in the air for balance.  You cried so hard when we first put shoes on you about a month ago, but since then you are willing to wear them and even walk in them some.  You love to be outside, and sit quietly in the stroller even for long walks.  You can climb stairs, get down off the couch, shake and nod your head. 

You are slowly learning to sign "more" and "all done" although in your highchair you would rather wave your arms around and yell to get what you want.  You say "na" to mean yes, and sometimes to mean no. I think you are trying to say ball too.  But you are more of a doer than a talker.  You love your sister Isabella.  With her running, you crawling fast, you chase her around the house- both of you laughing. 

You are just starting to get interested in reading books.  You make huge efforts to find your favorite ones in the book basket and then carry them to wherever I happen to be.  It is hard to resist you so I often drop the dishes and read it to you.  You like to get into the kitchen cupboards, especially the one with the potatoes.  Often I find a stray potato in my room, and this morning one in Isabella's dresser drawer among her shirts.

You like to wrestle any big stuffed animals, and you love to snuggle with your owl blanket.  You are cuddly when you have a still moment, and you love being around people.  Getting you to sit still in church or anywhere else is quite a challenge.

We are trying to teach you obedience, and you are doing well but don't like not getting your way.  I have prayed for you since before you were born, that you would follow Jesus no matter how hard.  That you would obey Him no matter the cost.  I know that in that obedience you would find your greatest joy my son.  I hope and pray that you are like your namesake, Samuel, who heard from God at a young age and followed Him.

I am so thankful to be your mama.  I love you with all my heart.   

for my daughter

by Alanna

Dear Isabella,

I write this to you so we can both remember what you were like at this age- just over 2. You are a joy to have as a daughter. Always talkative, rarely pausing for breath. You talk so well in full sentences and have for a long time. You sing songs, sometimes the same one over and over again. Your favorite song is Hosanna by Andrew Peterson. But you love to sing Trust and Obey, Are You Washed, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Baby Beluga, and many others. Recently I heard you singing the hymn "Jesus I My Cross Have Taken" to Samuel when you were both having lunch.  You love to learn and so are always asking questions. "What's this one called?" "What's his name?" "Where are we going?" "What're we gonna have for lunch?" You still love to read books, lately your new Jesus Storybook Bible that we got you and your brother for Christmas. The story of David and Goliath is so far your favorite.

Christmas was the time you really started asking so many questions about "baby Jesus." You had a long discussion with me on the way home about Jesus and who He is. Figuring out that He's not a baby anymore, that He is kind and not scary, that He is the King and He takes care of us. You know that He is the One we pray to about everything. You told me twice recently that you love Him.  For this I'm so thankful, because if there's one thing I want you to know it is to know Jesus.

You are still an introvert and not a cuddler.  You need time by yourself at home to just play with your baby dolls or have a pretend picnic. But I have seen you grow lots in being kind to people and giving hugs even when you don't feel like it.  I think your best friend is Kezi, who we met at the park before you were even one. You like to go to Nona and Grandpa's house and play with your aunts and cousins.

I think your favorite thing is babies. You mother your baby dolls at home, and whenever we see a baby in public you want to touch them and love on them.  I'm happy for this because you have a new baby brother on the way, and I think you will be such a big helper with him.  

You are better at fine motor skills than gross motor, but you are getting so much braver in trying new things. Climbing at the park, jumping like a frog, doing acrobats or balancing on things around the house. You either say to me "Look what I doing" or you ask "Mom what am I doing?" You like to make silly faces, go on walks, get new books, play soccerball with your papa or Samuel.

I am praying for you this coming year, that you would continue to learn obedience. That you'd keep growing in kindness and love for people, even when it does not come easy to you. Praying for you to have a gentle and quiet spirit. Like any two year old you like to talk back and assert your wants. Also praying for your emotions.  You are so much like your mama, feeling things strongly.  This makes you laugh loud and cry hard.  It makes you sympathetic to others but hard for you to cope when things go wrong in your world.  I pray that God gifts you with self-control and discipline, to use your emotions for good.  I know, it is not easy to be emotional.  But the world needs followers of Jesus who feel things strongly, and I hope that your compassion and empathy will grow under His guidance.  I pray too, most of all, that Jesus gives you His joy.

I love you with all my heart and I am so thankful I get to be your mama. 

by Alanna

Perhaps I’m alone, but I doubt it, in wondering sometimes if I am meant to be here. I am not cut out to be a mom to three kids under 2 ½. I can’t handle the two I have; I don’t give them healthy lunches; I don’t deserve this kind and patient husband; I don’t belong here worshipping in this church when darkness so oppresses me; I don’t deserve to be a daughter to them.  Maybe we all hear something false at times. Maybe you believe you should not be still single, still waiting. Maybe you are not cut out for the suffering you are going through. Maybe tomorrow will feel too overwhelming and you just won’t get out of bed. All these doubts and fears and lies, settled by one thing. The truth. God put you here. If you are following Jesus, then here is where He has you. If you are a mother, then He created and purposefully placed each baby in your womb or in your heart, and made you their mother for whatever time He has. He knows everything about you. He knows you are going to fail them. If you have been waiting for so long for something, He knows. He purposefully placed you right here, where you are.  If you are headed off to a foreign land, He is sending you and goes with you.  I know for myself that God put me in this house, with this husband and these children. It is not myself I’m to depend on, but Him. Who am I to say to my Creator that maybe He got it wrong?  Maybe I won’t be able to handle this next child, maybe things will be too hard for me, maybe darkness will overwhelm me.  But I know the truth.  Jesus put me here.  He goes before me and behind me and lives inside of me.  His grace is always sufficient. Instead of fear I want to embrace joy, in eager expectation to see what He will do next.      

endurance and hope

by Alanna

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings,

knowing that suffering produces endurance,

and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope,

and hope does not put us to shame,

because God's love has been poured into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit

who has been given to us "

  I had been praying with a friend lately about marriages. Those that seem to be doing well and those that are falling apart or have already chosen divorce. I read these verses around the same time and it made me think about the way we try to escape suffering. Maybe it's a terrible spouse who treats us badly. Maybe it's disease. Maybe it's depression that we can't shake or a bad relationship with a sibling or a church who is broken. Mostly we want to get away from suffering, and will often take the quickest path possible to escape it. And then we feel hopeless. Things will never change. I never noticed this connection that God makes though- suffering producing endurance producing character producing hope. Suffering leading to hope! But only if we choose to endure (and yes, I think that sometimes enduring is a choice if escaping is an option). This is not to say that we should not take medicine or try to make relationships better and stronger.  But I do think we should have in mind to endure. Because I believe that God planned for His people to suffer. And I long for our suffering to produce the fruit of hope.  I want to change my first reaction to suffering. To stop asking God immediately for it to end. But rather to ask Him to grant me endurance, build my character, and produce in me hope. Hope in the midst of suffering is a beautiful thing. Especially hope that does not put us to shame! 

Who's side?

By Mary

It seems like these days, everyone is in such a hurry to gobble up information on a current event, pick who's right and who's wrong and then spew out that opinion whenever possible and argue it till they're blue in the face. 

And I admit, it can be tempting, at least the part about fact gathering and deciding where I stand on something. I'm not saying it's entirely unhealthy. But it does seem like we're almost desperate to figure out what should have happened in a given instance. We want to analyze and say, there! that's who was wrong here, this is what could have prevented that tragedy there, and boy if everybody would just see it the way I do, we wouldn't have this kind of problem anymore. If it had been me, it would have been ok. Because I can see clear as day that the problem is__. Racism. Lack of respect for authority. Bad parenting. Neglect. Sexism. Broken families. Abuse. Entitlement. If people would do as I do, it would all be taken care of. Under control.

Except it's just not true.

Being better educated and making better choices will not bring life under our sphere of control. Not even if we get everyone else on the same page as us. We will not be fully capable of keeping bad things from happening to our children, protect the innocent, or do away with ugly prejudices.

And the thing is, the problem is not kids growing up without a dad, not racism, not lack of discipline. That's all just the symptoms of a sin-sick world. Patching it up, even with something like "love one another" or "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" or "submit yourselves to authorities" will still fail to take away the sin. It's people's hearts that need the transformation, not just their actions.

And that goes for our hearts, the ones that have trusted and believed and been bought with a price. Our hearts need to be transforming and not conforming. We need to remember our own fallibility before we start sifting through often conflicting stories and picking apart the actions of others to find out who's right and who's wrong.

It's not that right and wrong are usually so difficult to determine...it's just that more than likely in any given instance, a person is going to be both. To some degree, they're probably right and wrong at the same time. You can even be right the wrong way, which makes it even stickier. Extremely rarely am I ever correcting one of my children without also needing to address the behavior of the other. And more and more I'm realizing that God has probably seen that to be the case for me as well in my interactions with family, friends, strangers. 

It brings to mind the lyric from Beauty and the Beast "Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong." Sometimes the thing I've been doing forever with perfect ease of conscience is the very thing that suddenly is so glaringly wrong.

And so I think it's very likely that I (and those around me) would be better off if I didn't have the perfect argument for the perfect opinion on every hot button issue but rather decided to know nothing except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. When it comes to choosing sides, I want to remember Joshua 5:13-14--

"Now it came about when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing opposite him with his sword drawn in his hand, and Joshua went to him and said to him, “Are you for us or for our adversaries?” He said, “No; rather I indeed come now as captain of the host of the Lord.” And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and bowed down, and said to him, “What has my lord to say to his servant?” "

Let's choose God's side.