fears

by Alanna

The more news I get from across the ocean, the more I tend to let fear choke me. Good or bad news, it makes no difference really. My mind runs with it and my thoughts spiral in never ending circles of questions and plans and scehemes and a multitude of "what ifs". I lay down at night exhausted, and I wake up feeling even more emotionally spent. In my dreams I'm always going back. As I'm packing my bag, or arriving at the airport, or sometimes even after I've tasted one glorious day there, someone tells me I have to stay here in America. And my heart sinks and I know its true. I wake up to a dream like world where I can't see my little one anywhere. And I fight the tears and sometimes I just let them come and don't care who sees.

This is a choice I make. This fear and these thoughts running in never ending circles through my head. I want wisdom. I want God to tell me what to do. Stay here. Go back. Always I'm fighting but I don't know how and I want God to show me. But most often He asks me to wait. He leaves me in the dark, and sometimes I beat on the door and scream but it does no good and it only tires me out. God is here with me, in the dark. He has never left. And when I'm too worn out I let go again. Choose to trust again. And rest in Him, again. This is the only choice He leaves me with- trust. And I don't know why I so often forget. I have to be surrendered. All the obstacles that I see, they can only be removed by God. He is our miracle worker. [just now my mom drops a piece of mail next to the computer. The envelope reads "I have made you...I will not forget you." -Iaiah 44:21]

Last night I opened Spurgeon's morning and evening to the next page in April. It is about fear. "By thy power, O blessed Spirit, my heart shall be exceeding glad, though all things should fail me here below." This is what I want to be. Excceding glad, even when all my plans and schemes fail me. Freed from fear when I choose to trust and to believe that God is still in control.