"Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor."
I came across this in Romans last week, and was struck so hard with my own depravity. Outdo one another in showing honor? It seems at times that marriage has become one big struggle to fight for my own receiving of honor. To battle for what I want, to pout when I don't get my way. Outdo one another in showing honor? If I ever think of showing honor to someone else, or put someone else's wants before my own, it is only by His Spirit and power. The me I see in the mirror wants her own way, and feels justified in crying if life doesn't always follow her dreams. I see it in my ugly thoughts toward my husband, my short fuse ending in anger and frustration when my sad baby girl can't seem to figure out nursing. My pride when I'd rather have a clean house then pray for my family.
Sometimes I pray for God to give me the fruits of His Spirit- love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness. He answers. Sometimes my heart is too depraved to even want Him. When I walked midway into the sermon today at church, the preacher was saying something about how insincerely we can ask God for things. How we can repeat words, but not really want Him here in our hearts. Do I really want to be joyful? To be at peace? To forgive and forget and be patient and kind? Sometimes anger is easier, sometimes just laying in bed, sometimes driving away when staying hurts. Do I really want Jesus to live in and through me? It might be hard and scary, dying to myself and learning to strive for this- love. Outdoing one another in showing honor.
Today I realize how dark is my heart. And I can only ask God, the Creator of the universe, to forgive me through the blood of His only Son. To make me want Him. To break through my self-pity and my love-lessness. To live in and through me.
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