fears

by Alanna

The more news I get from across the ocean, the more I tend to let fear choke me. Good or bad news, it makes no difference really. My mind runs with it and my thoughts spiral in never ending circles of questions and plans and scehemes and a multitude of "what ifs". I lay down at night exhausted, and I wake up feeling even more emotionally spent. In my dreams I'm always going back. As I'm packing my bag, or arriving at the airport, or sometimes even after I've tasted one glorious day there, someone tells me I have to stay here in America. And my heart sinks and I know its true. I wake up to a dream like world where I can't see my little one anywhere. And I fight the tears and sometimes I just let them come and don't care who sees.

This is a choice I make. This fear and these thoughts running in never ending circles through my head. I want wisdom. I want God to tell me what to do. Stay here. Go back. Always I'm fighting but I don't know how and I want God to show me. But most often He asks me to wait. He leaves me in the dark, and sometimes I beat on the door and scream but it does no good and it only tires me out. God is here with me, in the dark. He has never left. And when I'm too worn out I let go again. Choose to trust again. And rest in Him, again. This is the only choice He leaves me with- trust. And I don't know why I so often forget. I have to be surrendered. All the obstacles that I see, they can only be removed by God. He is our miracle worker. [just now my mom drops a piece of mail next to the computer. The envelope reads "I have made you...I will not forget you." -Iaiah 44:21]

Last night I opened Spurgeon's morning and evening to the next page in April. It is about fear. "By thy power, O blessed Spirit, my heart shall be exceeding glad, though all things should fail me here below." This is what I want to be. Excceding glad, even when all my plans and schemes fail me. Freed from fear when I choose to trust and to believe that God is still in control.

precious one

by Alanna

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away?

And I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

-Matt Hammitt

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

-God

236th Marine Corps Birthday Ball

By Mary

"On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress. Since that date, many thousand men have borne the name Marine. In memory of them, it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the birthday of our Corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history."--John A. Lejeune, 13th Commandant of the United States Marine Corps, November 1st 1921.

My Facebook newsfeed this last week has been filled with great pictures of various friends I've made in the last year all dressed up in their formal gowns and "dress blues", going out to celebrate the 236th birthday of the Marine Corps.

I love this side of the Marine Corps--the heritage and traditions, the celebration of courage and sacrifice, faithfulness, brotherhood. The birthday ball is a night to remember these things with honor.

90 years ago Lieutenant General Lejeune directed that "a reminder of the honorable service of the Corps be published by every command, to all Marines throughout the globe, on the birthday of the Corps."

So they do. Marines are good at following orders. Every year, every unit hears Lieutenant General Lejeune's "birthday message" even in combat zones.

And for every birthday celebration possible, there's a lot of extra hoopla thrown in. There's the traditional birthday message from the current Commandant of the Marine Corps, recorded on video to be shared at every ball. There's the guest of honor, to give a speech you hope won't be boring. There's the cake cut with sword and the first pieces shared amongst the guest of honor and the oldest and youngest Marines present. There's the empty table set for one, to honor the fallen. And there's all three verses of the Marine's hymn.

This was only my second ball, still trying to get used to mingling with mostly strangers, this year in a crowd of about 450, and connecting faces with all the names and stories my husband has shared with me the past four months.

The Commandant's message was great. The Marine sharing Lejeune's message knew it by heart and delivered it beautifully. The guest of honor was engaging. We had part of the US Marine Band and bagpipe players, kilts and all. And we had all the right people at our table, thanks to knowing one of the event organizers.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm starting to get a little broken in to this whole business of being a Marine wife.

bits and bobs

By Mary

I've come across the phrase "bits and bobs" several times in the past few weeks, due mostly to refreshed correspondence with friends from other parts of the world--and it happens to describe perfectly the thoughts of my mind.

Like how I love the different shades of fall, pressed thickly one upon the other in a forest of trees or how I really don't mind having to take our dog for a walk every morning when I get to see a cotton candy sky of blue and pink above me.

Or how I wish my hair would grow long faster and how I have far too many doctor's appointments written on the calendar.

Or how I miss my friends and am thankful to have new ones here.

Or how the little parts of life can mean so much, and sometimes just making the most of what you have or don't have makes all the difference. And not just putting a good face on it, but appreciating the beautiful things and facing the things that bother me, maybe even making some space in my heart to be thankful for them as well. For that's the one lesson this week standing out to me clear as a star in a blue velvet sky: even in the things that seem smallest to my human mind, there's such great purpose, for there's always opportunity to be like Christ.

I'm realizing more every day that there's nothing bigger or better I could ever ask for than that.

dying

by Alanna

This morning I took the twins out walking in the leaves. One stomped happily; one sat down in the middle and laughed with head thrown back, whacking the leaves all around him. I always thought I didn't like the idea of winter coming. Dying everywhere, leaves letting go and tumbling to the ground. It is beautiful now but so sad. This has been on my heart though-

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat

falls into the earth

and dies,

it remains alone;

but if it dies, it bears much fruit

This dying to self, this letting go, this surrender. It is painful and I crave the safety of the branches and want to cling tight. But Jesus called us to die to ourselves. And that means surrendering my will to His. To place my little life into His hands. To sacrifice my will and believe that He is the Resurrection and the Life. Paul doesn't only write about crucifixion, he writes that he lives now by faith. And if to remind us at the end, he adds that his trust is in the One who submitted to crucifixion Himself, on our behalf. The One who is trustworthy.

I have been crucified with Christ;

and it is no longer I who live,

but Christ lives in me;

and the life which I now live in the flesh

I live by faith in the Son of God

who loved me and gave Himself up for me

stars

by Alanna

Tonight we drove out east to see the stars. Hard to do in the city. Sometimes I forget that beyond those clouds and pollution, there is a huge starry firmament. Breathtakingly beautiful. Laying on the cold hard ground [I'm miles from where you are], comforter pulled tight around me, thinking. We had gone to watch a meteor shower, but I didn't see any meteors. The clouds and my thoughts distracted me, so I stared at the stars and wondered at the beauty of them, and wondered at the God who creates such beauty. [these are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you and me]. Wondering. What happens when my will crosses the will of the Sovereign Lord? I want to live joyfully surrendered, open-handed. I cried tonight, for my little one far away. Because love fills my heart to bursting and my only outlet tonight is tears. I want to understand how to mourn and not give fear a foothold. To grieve trusting. Because if I let it, the sorrow can overwhelm me and the questions become doubts, and the doubts can turn into despair and bitterness can enter. But why doubt? Deep down, I know that God sees. Somehow, laying out there in the cold, I was reminded of that. While I watched the stars, my little one was at preschool. Learning about His Father's love, loving and being loved. God has always taken care of him. He always will. And the God who created all those stars, carried our sorrows. The maker of the stars is trustworthy and worthy of praise.

I feel drained. Empty. Dragging. It's a morning I'd just like to spend in bed indefinitely.

My pregnancy has caught up to me a little bit, now that I've finally really begun to show. Some aches here and pains there...plenty of baby kicks to catch me by surprise. But it's not any physical strain that's leaving me so dry.

Is it the change in the weather? My heart turned again to South Africa, to home, to places in the world I've never seen for myself as soon as the leaves began to change while the breezes spoke cool gentle words of fall. But is it homesickness that steals the life from me? The steady love for children of my heart spread far across the globe? Wander-lust? What is it that leaves me feeling so powerless with not a drop of life or love to give to anyone? Maybe I've simply let myself drift away from the abundance of God, the life in His words, His power and His love.

So prone to wander, my little heart. Such a poor example of faithfulness--yet how clearly I can see His when again and again He faithfully takes back my straying heart to teach me to walk in the paths of life.