bits and bobs

By Mary

Typically I don't blog unless I'm inspired, like when something's been on my mind just waiting to be captured in words or there's earth-shattering news to be shared. This is probably why I don't really blog frequently.

Lately I've been reading more, talking more, writing less. I haven't journaled at all in at least two months. Life has been really enjoyable; not over-full, sprinkled with simple beauty, simple pleasures and rich relationships.

I tend to like the quiet life.

The biggest news I have right now is of plans to go home to Colorado for Christmas and Gianna's first birthday! All the other headlines in our household are usually all the little things that probably aren't that exciting before you have a kid. Who knew infant Tylenol would end up being a major blessing in life and a tiny little pearly tooth peeking through baby gums could make your day so much brighter?

There's been talk of being re-stationed again somewhere next summer or maybe winter. I don't like the in-between stage of knowing change is coming but not knowing when and what kind. And I do know change is possible basically at any moment with the military lifestyle we have...I'm just not the most comfortable with having options being thrown around and falling through or changing and time-frames always being in question. 

I've gone between two extremes of living life always conscious of the possibility of moving and then trying to ignore it completely until its slapped in my face at some point. I don't think either one is good for relationships. The first causes me to hold back and stay safe, sort of view relationships as disposable--they'll be gone the minute we are. And the second is just unrealistic and leads to a somewhat violent let-down when change does happen.

The truth is, it's not really possible to have limitless deep, impacting friendships, regardless of how close you live to one another.

Jim Elliot said "Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

For years I only thought of that as applying only to not holding on to the past or grasping to eagerly for the future. But I think of it often now...people are always worth pouring into, no matter what you get in return, no matter what tomorrow may bring. It's so much more exciting to me now than it is sad. It thrills me to feel the blessing of my family in Christ investing in me, both near and far. It's wonderful to feel used in the lives of people I grew up with, new dear friends, and people I barely know. And it's amazing to know that God is behind it all, working towards His own purposes and orchestrating the most beautiful things.

conviction

by Alanna

    I read somewhere, and I can't remember where now, of the difference between condemnation and conviction. It made me think a lot, because sometimes when God shows me sin in my life, I turn to condemnation and then I become stuck in a rut. Condemnation causes me to embrace fear and doubt and hatred; it makes me disgusted with myself, and when I'm condemning I never run to Christ but only away from Him. Thankfully, "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." This is a beautiful promise, and it reminds me that we have been set free from sin.

    Anyway, God has been at work in my heart, convicting me about some of the ways I continue to love the world. I thought change would be easy, but then I stubbornly cling to these things of the world and I'm shocked by the ugly inside of my heart. So I'm learning, I hope. Learning that it is God who both convicts us of things and works change in our hearts. I'm so thankful to God that He is faithful to conform us to the image of His Son. As children of God, I believe that we have to obey our Father even when we don't agree or understand. I think that in obedience, in surrender and trust, we will honor Him. And then I hope that He blesses us with joy and freedom. It's an astoundingly beautiful and undeserved privilege we have- to follow and submit to the King of the universe. His patience toward us is greater than I can comprehend.  

"For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace...and if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who indwells you....if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live." 

Romans 8

like a child

By Mary

My baby is so confident, unpretentious. She doesn't worry what everybody thinks about her. She doesn't worry about doing everything the right way, always. She just tries. And tries again. She's persistent.

She doesn't question my love for her the moment I'm impatient with her. She doesn't avoid me or deny me her affection because I lost my temper.

She smiles at the world and loves everybody. She's a little bit of sunshine to anybody who gives her a smile or a minute of their time.

She doesn't worry if I have everything under control or try to make her own plan B in case I don't come through for her. She trusts me, depends on me. For everything. When she's unsure of something, she turn first to me to see what I think and determine her actions from that.

The more I try to teach my baby...the more I learn from her.

who God made me to be

I'm reading through the Bible with my husband this year, following a little plan that goes all the way through with Psalms and the New Testament in there twice. It's interesting to read from four different books at once and it's opened my eyes several times to things I've never noticed in any other read through the Bible.
I never realized how often every other part of the Bible echoes God's earliest deeds for His people. It's in the Psalms and the Prophets and the New Testament...and it shows me how important it is to remember, to remember God's redemptive work, His faithfulness. He's still the same as He was then and He still works miracles and plans great things I can't understand or see coming.
I like reading something in the Old Testament and read Jesus quoting it a few days later. I like the perspective I get on Psalms when I'm reading about David's life at the same time.
Reading about David this time around makes me wonder more and more what it means to be a man after God's own heart. Did he have a heart so very in tune with God's? Was he really closer to desiring God's desires and living God's way? Was he pursuing the heart of God like a man chases his lover's heart, anxious to know it, win it, please it?
I don't really know. But it seems like David made even more mistakes than Saul--and Saul had a kingdom torn from him while David was promised one forever.
I don't see the heart the way God does and I'm not capable of judging sin and righteousness like He is...but when I read the stories of these two men, I see confidence of one in who God made him to be. And the other seems always trying so hard to be someone that, deep in his heart, he believes he is not, shouldn't be, can't be. In the past I've viewed Saul as proud, too proud to do things God's way, too grasping to let go when God says he's through. But now he seems so insecure to me.
Saul never seemed able to accept that his worthiness to be a king was based in the fact that God made him one. He spent so much time people pleasing and caving in when he needed to be strong and trying so hard to be what he already was because of God.
I see this play out in my life in struggles to feel worthy or beautiful or significant. I look to people for their approval, only to find that even getting that doesn't really matter in the end if my heart doesn't simply rest in the fact that I belong to God. Beautiful or not, a failure, a success, knowledgeable, ignorant--these things can't be the definition of myself. It's not even about fighting the negative thoughts that can crowd into my head because ultimately there's just one truth that matters: I am redeemed by God to know Him and worship Him and love Him and serve Him.
Holding on to that truth is when I have the strength to face the bad things about me and not just the good and have eyes to see what really matters.

entrusting my heart to Him

by Alanna

    For many years now, as long as I can remember actually, I have wanted two big things to comprise my future. These are things that are deep rooted inside of me, and things that I believe that God put inside of me for a reason. The first is to be living in a third world country and caring for orphans. I want to love them with all of me, to tell them about Jesus who gave His very life to redeem them. I have always wanted to be a missionary, and that desire has only been confirmed and strengthened in me over the years. The second thing I've always wanted was to be a wife and a mom. I wanted to be able to love someone, to spend the rest of my days serving God with somebody else, loving children of our own. Some people have told me that this isn't possible, to have both of these dreams. And sometimes I've wondered, because being a wife means submitting to someone else's dreams and the leading of God in their life. But then, God is strong and wise and loving and He can reconcile these things. So now I am praying about marriage with someone in particular, a man who loves Jesus and has deep on his heart to be a pastor in the third world. It's scary in a way, so crazy how fast life changes and its scary to trust God with this huge part of me. But it is also so crazy exciting because God has so evidently been the Orchestrator of this. He has always been faithful, so utterly worthy of my trust and praise and of the keeping of my heart. And one thing that I am sure of- that the God who puts dreams inside of our hearts, who gives us good desires- He gives them for a reason. I am so thankful to Him for His love and goodness and the blessings that He gives, to us so undeserving.

sometimes...

(Mary)

...I think living selflessly is draining. 

And then I realize maybe I'm just acting selflessly 

with a selfish heart.

He is worthy

by Alanna

three years ago, i met a little boy
in a tiled hallway in a children's home.
he was all bundled up in blankets,
and the girl holding him just showed me his face
they called him the little old man,
and i understood why
his face was tiny, frail;
he looked too old for himself
something in me lurched, and at the time
perhaps i didn't understand the significance
but it was something i had never felt before.
mother-love
because this was my first son

over the next four months
i spent precious moments with him
bathing him, wrapping him up warm
his tiny body was so fragile,
i was scared sometimes of breaking him
i sat in the rocking chair with him
and fed him milk from tiny bottles
he was so small for his three months, so sick
some people said that he wouldn't make it
i loved and prayed
and God answered
God grew him strong,
gave him the will to fight and then thrive

i said goodbye,
and for ten long months i loved across the ocean
i loved and prayed
and God answered
and when i returned i found not my tiny frail baby
but a strong little boy
the next six months with him were a gift
it makes me realize, even now
that so often we take time for granted
children are always a blessing, always a gift
but they are not always forever

leaving him again tore me in two
and for the next year and a half
i lived with my heart walking around
outside my body- 9,586 miles away
this time i did more than pray for him
i also walked out in hope and obedience
and begin the fight to bring him home
every time i felt like giving up
because all seemed hopeless,
God reminded me that our hope is in Him
and He asked me to keep hoping
to keep fighting
to trust Him

the biggest thing He ever asked me to do
was to surrender my son
i cried because i was afraid that if i surrendered him
God would take him from me
because God doesn't promise that we get to keep gifts
He only promises that He is trustworthy
and He will take good care of what we entrust to Him
surrendering my son made me free
because it was not my burden to bear
i still loved and prayed with all my heart
prayed that God would grow him strong
prayed that God would bring him home
and God answered
in a different way than i had expected

one day this summer God
gave my son a new family
for me this meant a loss that broke me
many dreams i had prayed were lost
many things i had hoped were shattered
some hurt is too big to type into words
but for my son, his new family meant different things
for him it meant an earthly father-
something he had never experienced before
for him it meant the love of Christ manifested to him
a new name, and an old name restored
the chance to love and be loved, to belong
and most of all
the thing i had most earnestly prayed for him
all along
a place where he would hear about Jesus
parents who know how much God loves their son
because He sacrificed His only Son to redeem us all

in the midst of all my sorrow
and all my unanswered questions,
i am completely assured, confident, and at peace
this is what God wanted all along
and now i see, what i always asked God
to help me believe
that He is worthy
worthy of our children, of our hearts
of our everything
He is worthy of our trust
because although His plans are often times painful
they are also beautiful and good
He is worthy, in the midst of my grief
to be praised, tonight, for His goodness
to my little one