hoping

by Alanna

I have wanted to write this for a while now, but can never quite find the right words. Maybe that doesn't matter so much though. I have been doing a lot of hoping lately. A whole lot of that is centered around Johannesburg, South Africa, and the children I left behind. Some of them have been reunited with their family, some adopted into new families, and many still where I left them. I hope for all of them. I hope that the Lord saves them, that He adopts them into His family. I hope that they grow up to know His redemption and that they understand even now His heart for them and His desire for them. I hope he gives them families on earth to show them that love. These are all things I pray for them, but praying always leads me into hope. And hope is scary to me because it admits for the possibility of hopes delayed, hopes disappointed.

I hope for a lot of things here too. I hope for prayers to be answered, for direction for my life and the lives of my friends. I hope for God to be clear about what He wants us all to do. I hope that He will be glorified by our lives.

I also cling to hope that someday I'll adopt precious little one. That God would, in that way, bring to fruition these past 21 months of loving and seeking and asking for this. Hope is such a scary thing to have, because it involves heart involvement and in a deeper way than just asking or wondering about the future. Once I thought I had no more hope left, and then I noticed that I was still waiting, expecting something to change. When God puts something on your heart, it just doesn't go away and so hope seems to become engrained in you. I can tell when after the tears on the car ride home from work, my feet still hurry to the computer and I hold my breath while I check. I can tell when I take out the baby blanket again and work the blue yarn through.

And I pray and will myself to keep on hoping. In some ways, hoping for God to do this "impossible thing", reminds me what I am actually hoping in. Yes I want God to answer, to restore, to save. But I hope for this, not in this. What I hope in is the character of God. A God who listens, who is compassionate and gracious and gives good gifts. An all-powerful Father. One who knows what it is like to sacrifice His only Son, and who did it anyway to purchase our redemption. Because of Him, we are right to keep on hoping.

In Christ alone

My hope is found

He is my light my strength my song

This cornestone

This solid ground

Firm through the fiercest draughts and storms

What heights of love

What depths of peace

When fears are stilled

When striving cease

My comforter, my all in all

here in the love of Christ

I stand