honesty

by Alanna

  Today is my thirtieth birthday. I am 30 years old. There. I've said it. Ever since I turned 22 I've been unwilling to say goodbye to 21. Some of it has to do with immaturity, a silly desire to not want to grow up or grow old. I'd still like to climb around on playgrounds if my hip would let me. 30 feels like definitely, undeniably an adult. It feels rather in the middle of life. You'd think with four kids I would have felt like an adult long ago. But lots of days I still just wish someone would tell me what to do, or that I could curl up in some giant lap and cry there safe and secure. Maybe I'm just immature.

  But there's something more. I recently rediscovered this long note I wrote in my journal when I was fourteen. In part of it I wrote about wanting marriage, but then "right now, more than that, more than anything, I want to be in an orphanage. I want to be taking care of Your little ones who aren't loved by anyone else. I think I would give up just about anything to be overseas right now. Christy wants to come with me in the summer of 2008, but it's so far away from now. And, Lord, I have so little patience...." For twenty years this desire has grown in me. This weight of the suffering. This knowledge of the hurting. This awareness of just how much hope Jesus has to offer, and just how badly I want to join with what He is offering to the world. God hasn't told me to stop hoping for a life in a poorer country. But He has definitely held me here. I think, I hope, that He wants our family to be in a place where this is little gospel. Where we can sit with the suffering, though God knows we will never be in their place. 

  So here's honesty. The waiting is hard. And part of what makes me not to want to acknowledge birthdays is that I don't want to think about the years passing by. What am I doing with my life? Why are we here if we both want to be there? Why does God put dreams in our hearts long before their fruition? So today feels hard.

 I'm learning to let myself feel. Asking God to let me cry more. It's scary but not as terrifying as apathy and sleep. Thankfully He's answering that and I've cried a little every day the past few. Sometimes I just miss the sun. But today I just sit and give Him my heart and tell Him that the waiting is hard. That sometimes I wonder what He's doing and why.

"If I am ever going to do what is on my heart (and Yours too I hope), I will have to trust You and rely on You completely." -Me at fourteen. I guess I never realized how hard that would be.