stars

by Alanna

Tonight we drove out east to see the stars. Hard to do in the city. Sometimes I forget that beyond those clouds and pollution, there is a huge starry firmament. Breathtakingly beautiful. Laying on the cold hard ground [I'm miles from where you are], comforter pulled tight around me, thinking. We had gone to watch a meteor shower, but I didn't see any meteors. The clouds and my thoughts distracted me, so I stared at the stars and wondered at the beauty of them, and wondered at the God who creates such beauty. [these are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you and me]. Wondering. What happens when my will crosses the will of the Sovereign Lord? I want to live joyfully surrendered, open-handed. I cried tonight, for my little one far away. Because love fills my heart to bursting and my only outlet tonight is tears. I want to understand how to mourn and not give fear a foothold. To grieve trusting. Because if I let it, the sorrow can overwhelm me and the questions become doubts, and the doubts can turn into despair and bitterness can enter. But why doubt? Deep down, I know that God sees. Somehow, laying out there in the cold, I was reminded of that. While I watched the stars, my little one was at preschool. Learning about His Father's love, loving and being loved. God has always taken care of him. He always will. And the God who created all those stars, carried our sorrows. The maker of the stars is trustworthy and worthy of praise.

I feel drained. Empty. Dragging. It's a morning I'd just like to spend in bed indefinitely.

My pregnancy has caught up to me a little bit, now that I've finally really begun to show. Some aches here and pains there...plenty of baby kicks to catch me by surprise. But it's not any physical strain that's leaving me so dry.

Is it the change in the weather? My heart turned again to South Africa, to home, to places in the world I've never seen for myself as soon as the leaves began to change while the breezes spoke cool gentle words of fall. But is it homesickness that steals the life from me? The steady love for children of my heart spread far across the globe? Wander-lust? What is it that leaves me feeling so powerless with not a drop of life or love to give to anyone? Maybe I've simply let myself drift away from the abundance of God, the life in His words, His power and His love.

So prone to wander, my little heart. Such a poor example of faithfulness--yet how clearly I can see His when again and again He faithfully takes back my straying heart to teach me to walk in the paths of life.

10/17/11

did i ever tell you how beautiful you are?

i am so proud of you

and the little boy you are growing up to be

the days pass here

far away from you

but my heart remains yours

and my thoughts everyday

are full of you

while others might not see

you are my precious one

i love you

missing you baby

always

did you know?

the One who loves you

even more than i do

is taking care of you

you will be safe in His arms

a time to treasure

by Alanna

after 5 springs in a row
i get to see my first fall
and in Colorado too
it is unbelievabely beautiful
sometimes I am honestly bowed down in thankfulness and awe
that we get to live in such a beautiful world
[thank you Jesus]

i have received hopeful news
at last
from the other side of the world
and concerning the son of my heart
not conclusive news
no guarantees
just a small bit of hope

it excites me and it terrifies me
because i think i've come to realize
how little control i have over things, really
my life could turn upside down
or it could stay much the same
the important thing is that Someone is in control
He will take me where He wills
and do what He wants
and today i am okay with that
because He is utterly trustworthy
proven again and again
His love never fails

in the meantime
i am finally, slowly learning
thankfulness here
sitting with my family near the fire
riding bikes through crunchy leaves with little sisters
laughing with the twins i'm priviledged to nanny
kissing amirah goodnight
talks with my parents
the bookstore with my brother
[if i had no more time
no more time left to be here
would we cherish what we had]

sometimes i can be so impatient
to get back to africa
and i forget that that is what I feel called to
for life
so why not treasure what i have here
while i still have it?

Fall decorations scatter throughout the house, bright patches of golden yellows and reds, oranges and browns. The colder weather has come along with it, with slippers and jackets and fuzzy blankets. The trees are beginning to turn, dropping leaves across the sidewalks to match those on our mantel.

A dear friend has been and gone, leaving behind sweet memories, tasty concoctions mixed up in the kitchen together, and dozens of challenging thoughts. God is good to me, to give me such a purposeful friend who really makes me think instead of drifting through life. Our eight day together were so incredibly encouraging to my heart and soul.

How precious just to share the small things of life with the ones you love.

Today I'm remembering to be thankful for the small things...remembering just how important they are after all.

9/21/11

I'm leaving on an airplane in just some hours. Flying to Idaho to rejoice with a dear friend on her wedding day! So thankful that God gives times like this.

I'm not sure why I'm still up, avoiding the packing I have yet to finish. Today I went to the bank, and after dropping off my brother across the street, I spent some time sitting in a drive thru by myself. I glanced in the rear view mirror, habit, but of course he wasn't there. My mom instinct looks for him everywhere, even as the empty feeling in my chest reminds me that he isn't here. He is far away tonight.

It's strange, this week two of my friends are also flying places. One to meet my dear Mary, who I haven't seen in over a year now. The other is flying to my little one, back to Africa. So thankful for them, all of these journeys that God is simultaneously orchestrating. Although sometimes I wonder [why?]

Recently, I've felt in my spirit that God wants me to pray about moving back to South Africa. [no, not visiting. yes, moving] So I guess intead of packing tonight, I'm looking up job openings for a preschool teacher there. Of course, God wanting me to pray is not God sending me. My heart and hopes move too fast sometimes. Many miracles would still have to happen for this to even be possible. And of course I'm here for a while yet, committed to a job with two amazing kiddos. But I am taking the next scary step of asking, pressing in to His heart a little deeper, wondering what plans He has for this thing He's put on my heart now.

by Alanna

[thank you Jesus]

This weekend, in the midst of all heartache and sorrow, this answer to prayer lit up my day. Gifted me with tears of joy. This little boy, after being an orphan for 4 long years, finally has a daddy. And with his little brother too! All the prayers for him, all the love in my heart, the ache for him to experience the love of an earthly father, all answered.

[God is writing you a beautiful story precious one]

[all smiles]