He is worthy

by Alanna

three years ago, i met a little boy
in a tiled hallway in a children's home.
he was all bundled up in blankets,
and the girl holding him just showed me his face
they called him the little old man,
and i understood why
his face was tiny, frail;
he looked too old for himself
something in me lurched, and at the time
perhaps i didn't understand the significance
but it was something i had never felt before.
mother-love
because this was my first son

over the next four months
i spent precious moments with him
bathing him, wrapping him up warm
his tiny body was so fragile,
i was scared sometimes of breaking him
i sat in the rocking chair with him
and fed him milk from tiny bottles
he was so small for his three months, so sick
some people said that he wouldn't make it
i loved and prayed
and God answered
God grew him strong,
gave him the will to fight and then thrive

i said goodbye,
and for ten long months i loved across the ocean
i loved and prayed
and God answered
and when i returned i found not my tiny frail baby
but a strong little boy
the next six months with him were a gift
it makes me realize, even now
that so often we take time for granted
children are always a blessing, always a gift
but they are not always forever

leaving him again tore me in two
and for the next year and a half
i lived with my heart walking around
outside my body- 9,586 miles away
this time i did more than pray for him
i also walked out in hope and obedience
and begin the fight to bring him home
every time i felt like giving up
because all seemed hopeless,
God reminded me that our hope is in Him
and He asked me to keep hoping
to keep fighting
to trust Him

the biggest thing He ever asked me to do
was to surrender my son
i cried because i was afraid that if i surrendered him
God would take him from me
because God doesn't promise that we get to keep gifts
He only promises that He is trustworthy
and He will take good care of what we entrust to Him
surrendering my son made me free
because it was not my burden to bear
i still loved and prayed with all my heart
prayed that God would grow him strong
prayed that God would bring him home
and God answered
in a different way than i had expected

one day this summer God
gave my son a new family
for me this meant a loss that broke me
many dreams i had prayed were lost
many things i had hoped were shattered
some hurt is too big to type into words
but for my son, his new family meant different things
for him it meant an earthly father-
something he had never experienced before
for him it meant the love of Christ manifested to him
a new name, and an old name restored
the chance to love and be loved, to belong
and most of all
the thing i had most earnestly prayed for him
all along
a place where he would hear about Jesus
parents who know how much God loves their son
because He sacrificed His only Son to redeem us all

in the midst of all my sorrow
and all my unanswered questions,
i am completely assured, confident, and at peace
this is what God wanted all along
and now i see, what i always asked God
to help me believe
that He is worthy
worthy of our children, of our hearts
of our everything
He is worthy of our trust
because although His plans are often times painful
they are also beautiful and good
He is worthy, in the midst of my grief
to be praised, tonight, for His goodness
to my little one

making the most of every opportunity

ByMary

 Don't take things for granted.

I've had so many reminders of that so far this year. This life, full of gifts, none of it's earned or deserved. And you don't know when any of it will be gone.

I want to treasure, not hoard...people, moments, beauty.

Being with Alanna around kids always reminds me to enjoy them and live up every little moment because that's what she does. And that's what I want to do with Gianna. I don't want to just keep her healthy and out of trouble. I don't want to just make it through the tough moments.

It's so easy to let the time go by, unnoticed, unused. And that's when I notice life beginning to feel a little purposeless and empty.

I don't want to just have a husband, have a kid, have parents and friends and beauty and opportunity all around. I want to be thoughtful, loving, teachable, compassionate, encouraging,

God has richly given...I want to make the most of every opportunity.

always blessings

eternity in their hearts

By Mary

The last goodbye as you move away from the friends and family you've loved so long, wondering when there will be another hello.

A life ended so suddenly, so soon.

The one you knew who's time was coming, the wish it wouldn't ever come.

And living life day after day with the person so close in your heart, oceans away.

There's heartache in an ending, no matter what form it takes.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

I'm thankful for a God who makes everything beautiful, in all the ways I can't find out.

Thankful also that eternity isn't just in our hearts; it's in our future.

No more endings.

The month in pictures

July has been busy so far...and pictures seem like the best idea for sharing it all. so here's a little bit of our month...in pictures.

We had company!

My brother and sister-in-law came up from North Carolina and the cousins got to play together...

and played with the puppy...

We did our normal little things, like laundry...

And celebrated the 4th in style

Friends.

when i'm weary

by Alanna

    A few weeks ago, I passed the 15th month mark of leaving South Africa. I also wrote a blog around that time, about staying up all night underneath the stars and watching the sun rise. I wrote that God makes all things new, and that His power and the fact that He is mindful of us, combine to make His love immense and His character trustworthy. I'm sorry that I never posted that blog, but some things are too near to my heart and that sun rise also brought back oceans of memories, dreams of pure hope. 

  Today I'm writing about something else, because it's all that's on my heart right now. I'm weary. I know that God is our strength, and maybe it should grieve me that with all the power of the Creator, I am still so weary I could just lay down on this ground and not get up again. It takes every bit of me to get out of bed in the morning, to continue fighting and surrendering these days. Things are painfully hard, and every time bad news comes and I feel like maybe its time to quit, it seems that God gives me some opposed encouragement to keep going. Sometimes I'm just tired of hoping and struggling to believe, even in the right things. As my dear twin reminded me, we have to hope and believe that God is good and will remain good no matter what the outcome of these circumstances in our lives. But still, we live and move in this world and God asks us to believe crazy things and sometimes to act upon them. Sometimes He entrusts other lives to us, and loving them is like having our heart walk around outside our body, oceans away. I feel worn thin, emotionally exhausted. I don't want this weariness to turn into bitterness in me. If it's all I can do, I would rather lay broken at the feet of Jesus than be far from Him. I've found some rest in these words.

"But I know it is not the sense of His presence,

it is the fact of His presence

that is our strength and stay.

And yet it is comforting when a mother 

makes some little sign or speaks some little world

to a child who does not see her. 

And when our Father deals so tenderly with us, 

then we are very humbly grateful 

and we store such memories in our heart. 

And when there is not any feeling we rest on 

His bare word, 

'Lo, I am with you always, all the days, 

and all day long,' 

and are content."

"Thus says the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and his Maker: 

"Ask Me about the things to come concerning My sons, 

and you shall commit to Me the works of My hands. 

It is I who made the earth, and created man upon it. 

I stretched out the heavens with My hands, 

and ordained all their host....

My purpose will be established, 

and I will accomplish all My good pleasure." 

"Has He said, and will He not do it? 

Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?"

"He gives strength to the weary."

    

tuesdays with mom: featuring anna

(today we're swapping blogs with my dear friend anna marie. you can read my post at glittersmallworld.blogspot.com, after reading hers here)

there aren't enough moments in the day to think about lucas.

i try to accomplish things,

small things like brushing my teeth,

bigger things like projects at work,

all the while my heart beats his name.

lucas.

lucas.

lucas.

i try to make promises i know aren't real to myself.

you'll be okay.

time will heal old scars.

but i know this isn't true.

my heart knows no time.

and though lucas died three years ago,

he died yesterday

and today

and tomorrow, when i wake up and my mind registers

the brand new light of day,

he'll die again.

he doesn't slip away with time,

doesn't fade out like an old star,

but he sits there in my memory,

brand new,

every morning.

i know that countless orphans die each day.

i know that each one of them deserves a family,

and deserves love.

my heart breaks because i'm here, not there.

i'm a star burning out

i think

i fade as each young life sets too soon.

but the memory of lucas is always there to remind me

that no,

we shine together,

somewhere in that vast amount of sky

and if he doesn't burn out for me,

than i don't burn out for him.

come visit lucas and i over at glitter, small world.

-- 
Anna Guntlisbergen
www.glittersmallworld.blogspot.com