Mighty to Save

By Mary

How incredible is the constancy of God, something separate from my faith or my lack thereof. He is true and He is love. He saved once for all time and still He reaches down every day to answer my prayers, to work in my life, to be the great God that He is. He is mighty to save. Merciful to save. Love in motion with righteousness directing. His mighty mercy is strong in our lives today...seen or unseen.

God made me

by Alanna

Somewhere in the midst of changing 19 poos today, I realized that I have fallen absolutely and irrevocably in love. I see it a little more every day- it’s like a light in their eyes that draws me in. And I have these occasional moments where I can feel their footsteps sinking deeper into my heart. Like when Frank shouts to me at the dinner table, “I like you Alanna!” Or when Sandile tangles his sticky fingers into my hair. I feel it most of all when Solly presses his nose against mine and holds my face with his hand.
I want to tell the story of tonight, but not with eloquent words because I can’t find any now. Today was a normal day- eight hours with the Lions, and frequent kisses from my little boy when I passed him in the nursery. At book-reading time the Lions started asking again about their moms and dads. Strange how their hearts so yearn for something they’ve never known. Nadia looked at me with confidence in her eyes and said, “you’re gonna find me a new mommy and daddy.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. So sure, so trusting. If only I could be that way with my Father. Instead I cried because I didn’t know what to say. I cried because I want so much for them, and I’m powerless to give it. I cried in the dark as Josh sang hymns about the Love I ache for them to understand. When I went to kiss them goodnight, I whispered to Solly I love you, and he cupped his hand around my hear and said “God made me. God made you. God made me.” He said it four times before I understood. God was reminding me, using Solly’s mouth to tell me that He made each of them. He is not unaware. He loves Solly more than I’ll ever know how. He knows what He is doing. In my life and in theirs. Tonight I struggle to see it- sometimes I get lost in the love and pain and joy and hurt of it all. But tonight I am also reminded of the faithfulness of the God who made us.

and the days roll by

By Mary
This is Allie.

She's sweet and curious and gets into everything. And she's teaching my husband and me yet another lesson in patience. But every time she snuggles up close and falls asleep in my lap, I forget all my frustration over anything she chewed up that day.

And the days roll by...Christmas came and went...then New Years. My mom came out and her visit is halfway gone. We've had our puppy for over a week. January too will soon be gone. Life seems to go so much faster these days somehow.

It no longer feels like a dream. It's been six months since our wedding and it finally stopped feeling like a visit, like someday I'll go home and everything will be just as it was. But this is home, for however long. And things change whether I expect them to do so or not.

How do I make the most of it? Some days I'd rather spend my time wishing Alanna were here or I was with her, covered in sunshine and love--and baby vomit. Or that we were both in Colorado, living life "normally".

I can remember so vividly one day feeling the exact same way at TLC...finally used to everything. Finally loving it. No longer homesick. But wishing, somehow, that the worlds that I loved most could be one. That I could hold Pamela on my lap and whisper "I love you" to each other while surrounded by the lively discussion of my best friends.

But it's never to be...and what of the things that are, now?

Fear God and keep His commandments...for this is man's all...

Last night I was lost in thoughts and prayers until late- sitting on the couch in the dark, watching the rain come down. God has been so good these past four months in South Africa- taught me so much about love and trust and resting in Him. The past week we have been praying together every night- any believers who want to join. What a precious gift the fellowship of the saints is! Through prayers and conversations, God has especially moved in my heart these past few weeks. Sarah said one night that in these children’s lives, we are just a brick in the greater building that God is making of them. We will be covered by grander and more beautiful things, but our job is to lie still and rest and let God use us in the way He wants to. It’s so hard sometimes to lie still in the Lord. Especially when He has called us to a love that is ever moving and growing and exploding. He commanded us to love like He loves us. Unconditionally, everlastingly, and holding nothing back. He held back not even His own beloved Son. So how do we love with everything that is in us, and yet be resting in God’s greater plans? I think it’s not a question we can ask- we just have to do. Each night I kiss each of my seven precious Lions goodnight, and I whisper to them how much I love them. Sometimes there’s a dreadful small voice telling me that I won’t be here forever; that in 2 months I will be saying goodbye. I ask God to hush that voice, to fill me with His peace, and to never let doubt creep into my mind. This is where He wants me to be, and He called me here to love with all that’s in me. The beautiful thing about loving with God’s love is that there is a constant supply, and even when I go home, God will be holding each of these lives in His hands. He will be loving them, whispering in their ears at night that He will never leave them. Without the Lord, it is foolish to love this much, knowing that your heart will only be broken. Through the Lord, loving an orphan will never be anything other than right and beautiful. I ask God many times a day if these older ones can be adopted and leave here before I do, but it is not my place to hold back my love in case they are not. It is not my place to doubt and to fear. I am only here to do what God has called me to do- love because He first loved us. I do believe now that the Lord has called us to heartbreak. The key is to love like your heart will never be broken.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also outhg to love one another.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear

We love, because He first loved us.

every good thing given

Yesterday was such a blessing. In the morning, I and three other volunteers took the Lions out to breakfast at a sit-down restaurant called Mug ‘n Bean (similar to Panera). Eating out with seven 2 and 3 year olds is quite an adventure. (Maybe now I understand why my parents didn’t attempt it much when I was young). Frank made friends with a waiter, and screamed loudly as the man made faces at him around a corner. Nadia talks to everyone- to the waiter cleaning up the mess of ice cream and pancake on the seat cushions- “what are you doing man?” Solly found another waiter from across the room, and led him by the hand to a light in the corner, asking “what’s that?” Oh my loves- how lucky and blessed will be the families that adopt these ones. After Mug ‘n Bean we went to preschool, and found a frog in the sandpit. Releasing it into the grass turned out to be quite the hilarious undertaking. Later on in my class, I played play-dough with my four little ones, and then dragged them around the floor on a big blanket, screaming and laughing. For the rest of the day, I spent (as usual) a good amount of time in the bathroom, supervising children on the toilet. Some day I should record the conversations I have with them. I also got to spend a good hour with just my little boy. We went walking in mud puddles with our bare feet, and then sat on the step of my cottage and shared some of my Christmas chocolate. It was one of those moments- the ones that fill me. This is the kind of love I will never regret.

I’ve been telling the Lions since I first came back that God made them. God also made the sky and the sun and the rain and the wind. So now they often tell me “God made the pool!” or “God made the cookie!” And I at first didn’t know what to say- I tried to think of a round-about way to explain how it came about. Then in one of those moments God put this on my heart- “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17). It is right and good that they look to God as the giver of all good things in their life. And also right that I hope in Him for good things in their future.

It's Christmastime

By Mary

Life always seems to get even more busy than usual during the last couple months in the year. Add house-hunting, buying and moving into all the parties and extra activities and you have a busy holiday season. We're all moved in to our new house--which stays warm, has space for a kitchen table, has cupboards that both open and close without a fight, an oven that doesn't set off all the smoke alarms everytime I heat it over 375 degrees and a stove top that doesn't tilt all the liquid into the back of the pan. I'm thankful. I'm sure it'll be my favorite Christmas present this year.

There's not a box to be seen in the house--they're all sitting in the garage, waiting for trash day. I do have a assortment of odds and ends waiting to find their place, a large stack of picture frames looking for the ebst spot on the walls and several stacks of books that require another bookcase before they can move off the floor.

But it's home and it's ours--and it's a wonderful feeling.

We decorated our Christmas tree last night and I've only bought one present--almost three months ago when I happened upon it in the store and couldn't pass it up. I have the feeling Colorado-bound Christmas presents will be a bit late this year.

Christmas music is everywhere, the city put up green wreaths and red bows and lights shaped like snowflakes and angels blowing trumpets all along the roads. And every night there's a different Christmas special on tv.

We never did the Santa Claus thing when I was growing up and I'm amazed at how many songs and shows are all about him, how everyone wants to make him the star of Christmas. I can go on about how silly or awful that is until I stop and think how much like my own life it is. As some say, Jesus is the reason for the season. Ultimately that won't change even if everyone forgets His birth altogether. And He is and will be the reason for each one of us, whether we live that way or not. One day everyone will recognize it. But me...having recognized it, why should I go on in a way that reflects me as lord of my own life? Where His light and love and humility in my life?

It's Christmastime...and Jesus is the reason for the season and every breath that we take. Let's not forget to live that way.

a heart-holding God

by Alanna

This morning was one of those precious moments- the ones you want to capture forever. It was my last night of nightshift, and at around 4:30 I heard a familiar cry. It was my little boy, probably woken up with a bad dream. I ran to his crib, held him in my arms and kissed him. Then I put him back to bed and finished the rest of the cleaning up and preparing for dayshift. At 5 a.m. I went back to his crib and he was just lying there awake, so I got him up and laid on the couch with him. He laid still for a little, sucking his fingers, but soon decided that he’d rather be playing peek-a-boo and laughing. I carried him to the kitchen, his head resting on my neck and the blanket around us. It was beautifully still and quiet, and I warmed up the bottles for morning as I rocked him in my arms. Matt Kearney music was playing softly, and the sunrise just lighting up the morning. One of those moments when my heart overflowed with the love of the King.

Hard things are being done with my heart these past few weeks. There is a fear that maybe my boy will be going soon to a man that is ungodly and from my earthly point of view, not much of a home. I have been praying earnestly about adopting him, not only to keep him from this, but also because it has been the cry of my heart since the night when God first brought him to me. God will have to do a lot in many people’s hearts to make that possible, but my God is not daunted by any obstacles. He is so incredible and so loving. I feel as if He is holding my heart, and that He has placed His hand around me. On the other side there is looming fear and worry, and if He were to let me go, I would be overwhelmed by it. The tenderness and compassion of our God has been so proven anew to me this week. His peace does indeed surpass understanding.

His love is strong