filling minutes

by Alanna

  I'm sure I've written this blog several times before. And if I haven't, then I should have. Two years ago at this time in March, I was filling South African minutes. Wishing that time would stand still, longing to replay the last 6 months and to never board that plane that took me far away from them all. There were many days of my time in South Africa that I took for granted. Days when I was exhausted and tired of preparing meds, days when I was homesick, days when I had zero patience for those wild toddlers. And then in those last weeks, I treasured the moments. I knew that this was all I had left, and I found immense joy in even the small things.
   I have this bad habit of loving the past, longing for the future, and simply surviving the present. It's a consistent and debilitating mindset. For so long I wanted the past back, wanted to be with my little one again. Wanted to be loving those kids and playing in the African dirt. And the present was too often something to be endured, when my heart was months away. Lately I also find myself aching for the future. I'm ready to be the wife of this man I'm so in love with, ready to begin ministry and work and life lived together. I'm aching to be married, and these days I find myself wishing that time would skip ahead just a few months.
   But now? I stand on the sidelines at my sister's soccer game- her last season I will be here for. I lay up on the hot roof with her, in this my last Colorado spring. I hold hands and walk with him my love- this our one and only engagement. I laugh with friends here in our living room, and bow heads together. I hug my brother- him growing up so fast and these our last times together. My youngest sister's prayers, the twins laughing, conversations with my mom. These things will never be replayed. Why do I close my eyes and my hands tight, and refuse these gifts of time? Why is my heart so discontent? I don't want to be this way anymore. We are meant to live with an eternal perspective, and I believe that means living this moment with God, rejoicing in His goodness and His love. There is never a time to take for granted, never days that should be merely survived. Time is a gift. Rejoice in the Giver.