A sponge

By Mary

I'm officially through my first week of being all alone with my two little peanuts. I'm so grateful for all of my mom's help while she was here, even more thankful just for her company and the quality time we had together--more than all the rest of our visits in the last four years combined.

Things have been going well for the most part since I've been on my own. I'm trying to live up our last two months in Maryland before we head back to some southern living in South Carolina this June. It's been really good being so intentional about spending time with my friends--with the added bonus of Gianna loving to be with their kids.

So far I haven't been late to anything and the house has kept pretty orderly. But it's hard sometimes...hard just because I miss my husband. Period. Hard learning to juggle the needs of an almost 2 month old and a just past 2 year old. Sometimes I miss all the attention I used to be able to give to my little girl (but she is the cutest big sister. Ever.)

But mostly I just find myself irritated over small things. The dog keeps getting in my face while I'm on the floor playing or changing diapers. I've got two stinky kids at the same time and didn't I just change them and why won't she just use the potty like I know she's aware she has to. I'm trying to get out of the house and why won't she just walk a little faster--and does she have to say the same things over and over and expect me to respond each time?

We just finished reading the book Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney in our ladies bible study group and something she wrote has been coming to mind a lot these days--

"If we hold out a soaking wet sponge and squeeze it, what will happen? Water will fall on the floor. We may look at the puddle and think it was caused by the squeeze. However, the squeeze only revealed what was already in the sponge. You could squeeze a dry sponge, but no water would come out. What's the point? As with a sponge, what is in our hearts will spill out of us when the squeeze is on. In other words, difficult interactions or trying experiences (the squeeze perpetrators) are not the cause of our angry reactions; rather they serve to reveal the sin that was there all along. Matthew 15: 13 says "what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart."

I've been finding a lot of selfishness and impatience in my heart lately. Which at first (and still occasionally) just made me feel worse, more defeated and more irritable. Because along with the part of me that chooses to be that way is a part that hates being that person.

But here in these last few days I'm so encouraged, so thankful that I'm not a "finished product" yet. I may be far from what I want to be, should be...but God's still sanctifying. Through all the little challenges. And when I don't blame the little challenges for making be a certain way, I have no other option than to take it up with God and beg Him to change my heart. Which is really the best option after all.