merry christmas

dear little one,
how do i write to you
on a night like tonight?
when my heart is so full of you
but my arms are so empty
the clock on my nightstand reads 6:40 a.m.
your time, Christmas morning
i can close my eyes and go back in my mind
to this time one year ago
you were wearing those blue and white pjs
and you sat in my lap and opened presents
i want more than memories with you
there is a big empty place inside of me
because you are not here
this sorrow is a tangible reminder to me
of what Christmas means
God separated from HIS only Son
sometimes I think that christmas is not meant to be lived
away from your children
but the first Christmas was just that-
separation
the beginning of a beautiful redemption
because He loved us that much
my darling one,
I pray that this christmas
you know love
that you don't ache for your momma's arms
as much as my arms ache for you
I hear that one of your new favorite words
is hosannah
do you know what hosannah means baby?
it means "please save"
and this word that you love
is your momma's very prayer for you
i miss you
and i wish, always wish
that we could be together this Christmas
but you are held in my heart
always
i love you

It's Christmastime

And it’s been a bit more hectic than usual this past week. Last Tuesday night I spent in the hospital, my month-early contractions being monitored for a good fifteen hours before the doctors decided I wasn’t progressing quickly enough to stay. And here we are, a whole week later, seemingly no closer than before. I’m trying to enjoy the opportunity to rest more and get a few more things done before we have little baby girl in the mix of it all.

Our tree is standing tall in front of the balcony window, showing off its colorful ornaments and soft-shining lights. And underneath there’s a pile of presents that already seems a bit large for only two people.

Everywhere I go there’s a Christmas song playing in the background or a wreath making a door so much more inviting.

I’ve had my first Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake from Chik-Fil-A and a steamy hot drink out of a little red and white paper cup (I really am a sucker for holiday packaging—and throw peppermint in the title and I’m sure to think it’s good)

There are a million little things I love that say “Christmas” to my heart, sweet little nothings that matter so little and mean so much. I’m thankful for the blessing of each one.

And then there’s this-
“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,
Yet out of you shall come forth to Me
The One to be Ruler in Israel,
Whose goings forth are from of old,
From everlasting.”

Incredible, wondrous love. And I’m gifted with celebrating year after year this promise fulfilled, the Hope and Light of the world. And like little Bethlehem, though I’m just one of many, still He made me His.

Our Father truly does give such good gifts.

Hannah

by Alanna

Tonight my heart is really full of a few things. Mainly it is full of little one. The only little one I've ever had. My heart's always full of him, but sometimes it swallows up everything else and missing him is all I can feel. I've had a few days like that this past week. It's painful to me, and I've never known how to grieve well with hope still inside of me. I can't hide my sorrow, and I can't explain it. It leaves me feeling empty, bereaved, alone. I can't predict when my tears will come and lately they come again everyday. That's been my story lately, but sorrow is not what I want to write about tonight.

God's been showing me a lot lately through the story of Hannah and Samuel. So amazed at Hannah's faith, her genuine lament, her thankful heart and her spirit that sang praise to the Lord when He answered her prayer. And then her heart of total surrender when she gave that prayer right back to her Lord- because He was worthy of even the thing most dear to her heart.

It's not just about surrendering though. Its about being real and crying out to God to fulfill the desires that He's placed there. And in the midst of lament, to rest contentedly in His hands, that our will might be one with His.

"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,

until it be according unto mine?

But, no, Lord, that never shall be, rather

I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,

I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire-

See in my quiet places, wishes thronging-

Forbit them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure

Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,

Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,

At last, at last, even as a weaned child."

-Amy Carmichael

By Mary

It’s been two years since I held you close and we played together in the sunshine. Two years have gone by since the words “I love you” escaped my lips and had the chance to reach your ears. But not a day has gone by without my heart whispering it across all the miles and all this time that keeps us apart.

I never expected for you to be mine for always. When that dream flashed swiftly through my thoughts, I knew it wasn’t what God had in store for you, for me. But you were mine to treasure each precious minute we spent together, each time you made me bubble over with laughter, floored me with your questions, drove me crazy your disobedience.

And I learned something from the bitterness of leaving you [to this day the hardest thing I’ve ever done]: every moment is a precious gift to treasure for what it is, rather than what it’s not.
So little ones, I’m treasuring today each hard moment away from you-away from my home, my family, my friends. I’m treasuring the moments you spend today with the families God has given to so many of you, treasuring the things He has planned for each of your lives. I’m counting the blessings of times with my husband, time to play with a silly fluffy puppy, time to carry a child inside, opportunity to form new friendships.

I miss you today, like every day. And I’m thankful to have you to miss.

fears

by Alanna

The more news I get from across the ocean, the more I tend to let fear choke me. Good or bad news, it makes no difference really. My mind runs with it and my thoughts spiral in never ending circles of questions and plans and scehemes and a multitude of "what ifs". I lay down at night exhausted, and I wake up feeling even more emotionally spent. In my dreams I'm always going back. As I'm packing my bag, or arriving at the airport, or sometimes even after I've tasted one glorious day there, someone tells me I have to stay here in America. And my heart sinks and I know its true. I wake up to a dream like world where I can't see my little one anywhere. And I fight the tears and sometimes I just let them come and don't care who sees.

This is a choice I make. This fear and these thoughts running in never ending circles through my head. I want wisdom. I want God to tell me what to do. Stay here. Go back. Always I'm fighting but I don't know how and I want God to show me. But most often He asks me to wait. He leaves me in the dark, and sometimes I beat on the door and scream but it does no good and it only tires me out. God is here with me, in the dark. He has never left. And when I'm too worn out I let go again. Choose to trust again. And rest in Him, again. This is the only choice He leaves me with- trust. And I don't know why I so often forget. I have to be surrendered. All the obstacles that I see, they can only be removed by God. He is our miracle worker. [just now my mom drops a piece of mail next to the computer. The envelope reads "I have made you...I will not forget you." -Iaiah 44:21]

Last night I opened Spurgeon's morning and evening to the next page in April. It is about fear. "By thy power, O blessed Spirit, my heart shall be exceeding glad, though all things should fail me here below." This is what I want to be. Excceding glad, even when all my plans and schemes fail me. Freed from fear when I choose to trust and to believe that God is still in control.

precious one

by Alanna

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away?

And I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

-Matt Hammitt

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

-God

236th Marine Corps Birthday Ball

By Mary

"On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress. Since that date, many thousand men have borne the name Marine. In memory of them, it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the birthday of our Corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history."--John A. Lejeune, 13th Commandant of the United States Marine Corps, November 1st 1921.

My Facebook newsfeed this last week has been filled with great pictures of various friends I've made in the last year all dressed up in their formal gowns and "dress blues", going out to celebrate the 236th birthday of the Marine Corps.

I love this side of the Marine Corps--the heritage and traditions, the celebration of courage and sacrifice, faithfulness, brotherhood. The birthday ball is a night to remember these things with honor.

90 years ago Lieutenant General Lejeune directed that "a reminder of the honorable service of the Corps be published by every command, to all Marines throughout the globe, on the birthday of the Corps."

So they do. Marines are good at following orders. Every year, every unit hears Lieutenant General Lejeune's "birthday message" even in combat zones.

And for every birthday celebration possible, there's a lot of extra hoopla thrown in. There's the traditional birthday message from the current Commandant of the Marine Corps, recorded on video to be shared at every ball. There's the guest of honor, to give a speech you hope won't be boring. There's the cake cut with sword and the first pieces shared amongst the guest of honor and the oldest and youngest Marines present. There's the empty table set for one, to honor the fallen. And there's all three verses of the Marine's hymn.

This was only my second ball, still trying to get used to mingling with mostly strangers, this year in a crowd of about 450, and connecting faces with all the names and stories my husband has shared with me the past four months.

The Commandant's message was great. The Marine sharing Lejeune's message knew it by heart and delivered it beautifully. The guest of honor was engaging. We had part of the US Marine Band and bagpipe players, kilts and all. And we had all the right people at our table, thanks to knowing one of the event organizers.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm starting to get a little broken in to this whole business of being a Marine wife.