Sometimes life's a little crazy, isn't it? Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream. Or a tv show. Somethings just seem like they should belong only to actors and directors and scripts, not my life.
I was talking to Alanna about some of the things going on with our friends here. She told me she'd been praying for us to have community here in Maryland, that she guessed the problems and pain and sticky situations come along with that. So true.
It's been messy. But I'm learning boldness and firm love. And how to appreciate the raw reality of life and relationship and the struggle against flesh and sin and the kingdom of God.
And it's started to break up the apathy I've been feeling in my relationship with God. I guess there's nothing like a little bewilderment, helplessness and a bit of desperation to send you seeking closeness with an all powerful God Who is Love.
I'm so thankful that He doesn't hold grudges for the times I let our friendship slide and fail to give Him His due. So thankful He always takes me back.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
this is the day
by Alanna
This weekend I was blessed to spend in the mountains, with some of my family and friends. We camped near twin lakes, canoed, and hiked a 14er. God was so merciful to us, abundantly above and beyond what I could have imagined. There is a lot of stories from the weekend, a lot of memories made and a lot of things to thank God for. It would be impossible to list them all, but I want to share one thought that God has put on my heart. A few of us were sitting down by the lake, some of us skipping rocks and balancing them to make things. Taking in the view- the tremendous mountains carpeted in green, the waves on the lake, the clouds reflecting the sunset. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Each day is brand new. Every day for the past thousands of years, God has made it new. To my knowledge, He doesn't recycle. That particular evening was unlike any other. The wind blew this way and that, the clouds made a myriad of different shapes and the sky was this certain shade of blue. The waves rolled on top of each other, the trees grew, the air chilled. I don't want to forget that every day is a gift, because God created today. Today, God created 96 degree weather, the sun beating down and the sky light blue, but still some small clouds that I can see out the porch door. Today, God sent this huge yellow Monarch butterfly to flutter near the window. God created today. And if God creates each day, I believe that each day matters. Nothing is meant to be just 'gotten through', but rather each day is meant to be offered up in praise to the One who created it. He made us to live today, gave us breath in our lungs. I want to live each day in grateful awe that God creates such beauty anew, and I want to spend the moments of these days worshiping the Creator.
This weekend I was blessed to spend in the mountains, with some of my family and friends. We camped near twin lakes, canoed, and hiked a 14er. God was so merciful to us, abundantly above and beyond what I could have imagined. There is a lot of stories from the weekend, a lot of memories made and a lot of things to thank God for. It would be impossible to list them all, but I want to share one thought that God has put on my heart. A few of us were sitting down by the lake, some of us skipping rocks and balancing them to make things. Taking in the view- the tremendous mountains carpeted in green, the waves on the lake, the clouds reflecting the sunset. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Each day is brand new. Every day for the past thousands of years, God has made it new. To my knowledge, He doesn't recycle. That particular evening was unlike any other. The wind blew this way and that, the clouds made a myriad of different shapes and the sky was this certain shade of blue. The waves rolled on top of each other, the trees grew, the air chilled. I don't want to forget that every day is a gift, because God created today. Today, God created 96 degree weather, the sun beating down and the sky light blue, but still some small clouds that I can see out the porch door. Today, God sent this huge yellow Monarch butterfly to flutter near the window. God created today. And if God creates each day, I believe that each day matters. Nothing is meant to be just 'gotten through', but rather each day is meant to be offered up in praise to the One who created it. He made us to live today, gave us breath in our lungs. I want to live each day in grateful awe that God creates such beauty anew, and I want to spend the moments of these days worshiping the Creator.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Beyond Better Homes and Gardens
By Mary
I used to rarely watch TV. We'd have movie nights sometimes and other than that, it was mostly sports being watched on our television. And I didn't watch those.
Then I got married to a guy who likes TV. A lot. So now I watch more. And mostly, it's sports. Go figure. But I also discovered two little TV stations that are perfect gems in my eyes--Home and Garden Television and the Do It Yourself network. So while I've gotten my education in football, basketball and baseball, my man gets the joy of learning all about other people's design styles, home renovations and decorating tips.
I've always had a thing for interior decorating. I'm amazed by how God has allowed and enabled humans to have the ability to create from His creation and I love to see the way people bring beauty and harmony and comfort and tranquility into a home through a little thought and time and ingenuity. I love to see the creativity and the uniqueness. There are limitless options for creating beauty.
But I have to be careful. I start getting inspired and dreaming and all the creative juices start flowing and I make plans that can't be carried out all at once, if ever. And sometimes I get discontent with my limits. Sometimes I get distracted.
I believe God gives us that piece of our hearts that enjoys creating things lovely to the eye and soul and bringing order from chaos. But it's not all there is to it. My vision for life is supposed to be bigger than a picture from Better Homes and Gardens. And I should never allow any good gift to block my view or slow down my pursuit of the One Who gives so freely.
I used to rarely watch TV. We'd have movie nights sometimes and other than that, it was mostly sports being watched on our television. And I didn't watch those.
Then I got married to a guy who likes TV. A lot. So now I watch more. And mostly, it's sports. Go figure. But I also discovered two little TV stations that are perfect gems in my eyes--Home and Garden Television and the Do It Yourself network. So while I've gotten my education in football, basketball and baseball, my man gets the joy of learning all about other people's design styles, home renovations and decorating tips.
I've always had a thing for interior decorating. I'm amazed by how God has allowed and enabled humans to have the ability to create from His creation and I love to see the way people bring beauty and harmony and comfort and tranquility into a home through a little thought and time and ingenuity. I love to see the creativity and the uniqueness. There are limitless options for creating beauty.
But I have to be careful. I start getting inspired and dreaming and all the creative juices start flowing and I make plans that can't be carried out all at once, if ever. And sometimes I get discontent with my limits. Sometimes I get distracted.
I believe God gives us that piece of our hearts that enjoys creating things lovely to the eye and soul and bringing order from chaos. But it's not all there is to it. My vision for life is supposed to be bigger than a picture from Better Homes and Gardens. And I should never allow any good gift to block my view or slow down my pursuit of the One Who gives so freely.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a
great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and
the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Monday, June 11, 2012
victory over sin
by Alanna
One night I paced up and down my driveway. I can't explain how the lights did it, but when I walked up the driveway, my shadow was solitary, and when I walked back down it split into two. That night I ached to be my solitary shadow, to be one, to be whole-heartedly renouncing sin and running to Jesus. I feel like Paul in the seventh chapter of Romans- 'wretched man that I am! who will set me free from the body of this death?' The last months have been difficult for me, as God has made my depravity so clear to me. I believe what my pastor said last Sunday is true- if it wasn't for the power of God, I'd be that dog returning to its own vomit (2 Peter 2:22). It breaks my heart, that I tolerate sin in my own life. These things that Jesus bled and died to pay for. It breaks my heart that we choose anything over Jesus. It breaks my heart that I don't run as far and as fast as I can from temptation.
Do we truly believe that God is worthy of our everything? That He owns us, and deserves our full undivided heart? Francis Chan writes that God doesn't want our leftovers, that He'd rather have nothing. I think a lot of it hinges on what we think God is worth. God doesn't need us, He is all-sufficient and all-powerful. But then this God of the universe, crucifies His only Son to redeem us. All this undeserved mercy and grace, poured out through the blood of Jesus. And we dare to choose our own petty lives over Him, to embrace the very sin that He came to free us from. Oh we are wretched indeed! I've come to realize these past months, that every sin is serious. That Jesus didn't have to die just for things like murder and adultery, but for things like hatred and lust and unforgiveness and pride.
That night pacing my driveway, for some reason my two shadows eventually split into three. Or maybe the third was there all along, I just hadn't noticed it. God doesn't leave us alone here to battle sin, He left us the Spirit. When we truly want Him more than our sin, when we truly count Him worthy, He will help us overcome. It is only through Him that we find power to overcome sin, to run far from the world, to crucify daily our flesh, strength to run after Him. And at His throne, we will find mercy and grace to help in time of need.
One night I paced up and down my driveway. I can't explain how the lights did it, but when I walked up the driveway, my shadow was solitary, and when I walked back down it split into two. That night I ached to be my solitary shadow, to be one, to be whole-heartedly renouncing sin and running to Jesus. I feel like Paul in the seventh chapter of Romans- 'wretched man that I am! who will set me free from the body of this death?' The last months have been difficult for me, as God has made my depravity so clear to me. I believe what my pastor said last Sunday is true- if it wasn't for the power of God, I'd be that dog returning to its own vomit (2 Peter 2:22). It breaks my heart, that I tolerate sin in my own life. These things that Jesus bled and died to pay for. It breaks my heart that we choose anything over Jesus. It breaks my heart that I don't run as far and as fast as I can from temptation.
Do we truly believe that God is worthy of our everything? That He owns us, and deserves our full undivided heart? Francis Chan writes that God doesn't want our leftovers, that He'd rather have nothing. I think a lot of it hinges on what we think God is worth. God doesn't need us, He is all-sufficient and all-powerful. But then this God of the universe, crucifies His only Son to redeem us. All this undeserved mercy and grace, poured out through the blood of Jesus. And we dare to choose our own petty lives over Him, to embrace the very sin that He came to free us from. Oh we are wretched indeed! I've come to realize these past months, that every sin is serious. That Jesus didn't have to die just for things like murder and adultery, but for things like hatred and lust and unforgiveness and pride.
That night pacing my driveway, for some reason my two shadows eventually split into three. Or maybe the third was there all along, I just hadn't noticed it. God doesn't leave us alone here to battle sin, He left us the Spirit. When we truly want Him more than our sin, when we truly count Him worthy, He will help us overcome. It is only through Him that we find power to overcome sin, to run far from the world, to crucify daily our flesh, strength to run after Him. And at His throne, we will find mercy and grace to help in time of need.
i'm like Peter crying
crowing burning my ears
still You come near
You take my hand
and place in my palm an eternal chance
i give You myself
it's all that i have
broken and frail
i'm clay in Your hands
and i'm spinning unconcealed
dizzy on this wheel
dizzy on this wheel
for You my Love
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Some things never change
By Mary
This month my best friend got married. This month I got to be in Colorado for the first time in almost two years. This month my friends got to meet my baby and she got to sleep in the room that used to be mine. This month I stayed up later than I had in weeks and weeks.
And it amazed me how simple it was to slip back into old ways when so much has changed. The weirdest thing about being back was how it felt like I'd never left, even with my daughter being passed around and my husband on the other end of the phone. Even with my sweet friend basking in the love of a man I've barely met and promising her heart to him forever.
I guess I had prepared myself for it all to feel different somehow. With how comfortable I feel now in Maryland I didn't know if I would feel as comfortable there. But I didn't feel anything like a stranger, a visitor. I didn't have to think hard about where I was driving and I didn't have to catch up with anybody...just simply share the time we had together for how long we were blessed to have it again.
No matter how on board I am for a change, I get a little emotional over them. And when they mean upsetting the way of things I've grown to love, I have a smidgen of regret each time.
So I don't even have the right words to thank God for the fact that even if we change where we live, where we work, change in age, change a last name, change dreams and any number of other things...some things never change.
This month my best friend got married. This month I got to be in Colorado for the first time in almost two years. This month my friends got to meet my baby and she got to sleep in the room that used to be mine. This month I stayed up later than I had in weeks and weeks.
And it amazed me how simple it was to slip back into old ways when so much has changed. The weirdest thing about being back was how it felt like I'd never left, even with my daughter being passed around and my husband on the other end of the phone. Even with my sweet friend basking in the love of a man I've barely met and promising her heart to him forever.
I guess I had prepared myself for it all to feel different somehow. With how comfortable I feel now in Maryland I didn't know if I would feel as comfortable there. But I didn't feel anything like a stranger, a visitor. I didn't have to think hard about where I was driving and I didn't have to catch up with anybody...just simply share the time we had together for how long we were blessed to have it again.
No matter how on board I am for a change, I get a little emotional over them. And when they mean upsetting the way of things I've grown to love, I have a smidgen of regret each time.
So I don't even have the right words to thank God for the fact that even if we change where we live, where we work, change in age, change a last name, change dreams and any number of other things...some things never change.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
deep in me
by Alanna
Lately when I meet people, I've noticed more than usual that they connect me with Africa. This is how they match my name and face with whatever they've heard- "oh! you're the girl who went to South Africa right?" Or something along those lines. It makes me thankful, because Africa is still so close to my heart. It makes me believe that I left not that long ago (even though this week it will have been 14 months). It makes me feel that I've spent a significant amount of time in the third world, even though all totaled it equals almost exactly one year. Right now, God's called me to pursue things that require me to be in America for a bit, and this means entrusting the future to his hands. People always, inevitably, ask me when I'm going back. I give them some lame answer about being in a job contract through the end of July, but the truth is that I'm asking God the same question. When Lord? I'm realizing this week that the calling He's placed on me is growing bigger. Deep in me, is this ache and hunger to live in the dirt. To love children born into physical poverty. To pour myself out for them and to point them to Jesus. Deep in me I ache to go, to be sent. Waiting on the Lord is hard. But a sacrifice is nothing if it doesn't cost us something. I want to embrace contentment and to rejoice where He has me, but I never want to settle into complacency living in comfort for so long.
Tonight when sorting through old notebooks and papers, I came across something that I'd written shortly before I went to South Africa the last time. Thought I would publish a small bit of it here, as it is also some of what I feel tonight.
Lately when I meet people, I've noticed more than usual that they connect me with Africa. This is how they match my name and face with whatever they've heard- "oh! you're the girl who went to South Africa right?" Or something along those lines. It makes me thankful, because Africa is still so close to my heart. It makes me believe that I left not that long ago (even though this week it will have been 14 months). It makes me feel that I've spent a significant amount of time in the third world, even though all totaled it equals almost exactly one year. Right now, God's called me to pursue things that require me to be in America for a bit, and this means entrusting the future to his hands. People always, inevitably, ask me when I'm going back. I give them some lame answer about being in a job contract through the end of July, but the truth is that I'm asking God the same question. When Lord? I'm realizing this week that the calling He's placed on me is growing bigger. Deep in me, is this ache and hunger to live in the dirt. To love children born into physical poverty. To pour myself out for them and to point them to Jesus. Deep in me I ache to go, to be sent. Waiting on the Lord is hard. But a sacrifice is nothing if it doesn't cost us something. I want to embrace contentment and to rejoice where He has me, but I never want to settle into complacency living in comfort for so long.
Tonight when sorting through old notebooks and papers, I came across something that I'd written shortly before I went to South Africa the last time. Thought I would publish a small bit of it here, as it is also some of what I feel tonight.
In a week and a half, I'll be boarding an airplane to go back to the place I love, in South Africa.... Most of all, I am scared of loving too much. It is the kind of love that fills my insides so physically that it hurts. Almost exactly 13 months ago, I met a little boy who God seemed to have brought especially for me to love. There was no use fighting my affections for him, my desperate prayers for him, and my mother instincts. God grew my heart and my capacity to love, and yet He asked me to say goodbye. Soon I will be a part of little one's life again- seeing all the miraculous changes that God has wrought in him. And I am so scared. Scared because he is not my son and I have nothing but a "fool's hope" that he could be someday. Scared because I don't know how to be a caretaker and not a mommy to someone I love so much. And I am terrified of saying goodbye again. It is possible to love too much? Today I'm asking God is maybe He has the wrong person. I don't feel strong enough to keep my heart so split in two.
Somehow, it's a comfort to me that God never changes. He is full of compassion and lovingkindness. He may dash my heart to pieces, but it will be for His glory and His plans. Surely if God could love us to the extreme that He would sacrifice His only Son, then it is impossible to love too much. I want to learn to love through my fears- to love not for my sake, or even for little one's, but for Him who loved me enough to die for me.
Tonight, I pray that God grows my capacity to love. I want to love well, here where I am. And I pray that no matter how it hurts, that God grows the calling and the heart for orphans that He's put inside of me. Let us love, for His sake, so that He may receive all the glory.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Mothers Day [a little behind the times]
I've stored up all these words for you, words you'll never get to hear or
read or know. It reminds me to be thankful that I don't have to store them up for the little one who sits on the floor with her toys next to me. I can speak them every day. It reminds me not to let those opportunities pass me by.
God taught me so much through you, sweet ones. The value of every moment. The gift in a smile. The joy in just your dark curly hair against my cheek. I've missed you on these days meant for mothers since I met you--is it really almost three years ago?
This year it doesn't hurt so bad, this missing you. This year I thanked God for the families He's blessed with you and prayed again you'd grow up to know Him, to serve Him. This year I miss you and my own mommy, reminders that nothing in this world is forever, that I need to treasure each stage of life. And this year while I have my baby girl in my arms and my husband to spoil me, I try to remember still to surrender them because really aren't you all just precious gifts to me from a good God, for His timing and purposes?
This Mothers Day I'm thankful for the friend I have in my mother, for all the ways she's poured love and truth and life into me. I pray for you to have that, I pray to be a mother like that to my children and I pray for forever all together in the presence of our Father when I won't have to miss you anymore. I love you.
God taught me so much through you, sweet ones. The value of every moment. The gift in a smile. The joy in just your dark curly hair against my cheek. I've missed you on these days meant for mothers since I met you--is it really almost three years ago?
This year it doesn't hurt so bad, this missing you. This year I thanked God for the families He's blessed with you and prayed again you'd grow up to know Him, to serve Him. This year I miss you and my own mommy, reminders that nothing in this world is forever, that I need to treasure each stage of life. And this year while I have my baby girl in my arms and my husband to spoil me, I try to remember still to surrender them because really aren't you all just precious gifts to me from a good God, for His timing and purposes?
This Mothers Day I'm thankful for the friend I have in my mother, for all the ways she's poured love and truth and life into me. I pray for you to have that, I pray to be a mother like that to my children and I pray for forever all together in the presence of our Father when I won't have to miss you anymore. I love you.
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