time moves fast

by Alanna

   I have these moments where I am suddenly aware that time is passing so very quickly. Sometimes I'm filled with excitement, sometimes with awe and gratitude. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief, like when I stood in front of a mirror for the first time trying on a wedding dress. The things God does, the way He moves so fast sometimes. My summer was one of emotional turmoil, and I wondered how life goes on when you lose your only one and grieving looks immense. And there was God, comforting me and knowing all along that in one year's time I'd be deep in love and marrying a man. And I realize this- He trades beauty for ashes. But that doesn't mean that there won't be ashes. He gives us all these moments, the hard ones, the beautiful ones. And it's crazy because I still cry tears of sorrow, even though on some days I cry tears of joy.

   Sometimes its hard and scary, the way time goes. I sit in a dark room and sing "Jesus Paid it All" over two little sleepy heads, and every time I close my eyes and can feel that I'm in that room in South Africa. I hold a tiny baby in my arms and I remember the way my little one's face looked so peaceful when he slept. I can hear the way they laughed and they remain heavy in my heart. I loved loving them. Sometimes love is beauty and ashes all mixed together. And this Christmas when I cried for missing my little one, I felt a strong presence next to me and I wondered in my heart that God gave me this man. I used to wish for the past, to let nostalgia deceive me into believing that things would be better if time stood still. I don't think that anymore.

    I'm thankful that God doesn't let time stand still. I'm thankful for these memories I treasure in my heart, thankful for the beauty, for the love, even for the sorrow and the ashes because they keep me tied close to the God of all comfort. Thankful that God does new things all the time, that He is the Giver of all good things, that He makes all things new. He is the Author of time and all these moments that make up our days. I want to hold these things in open hands. To offer much thanksgiving to the Giver, and to bow my head in submission when He takes something precious back from me. Because He is trustworthy and He has oh so much more to give.