by Alanna
My fiancee flew away again, to finish his last term at school. Call me crazy but it's been a long week so far without him. I do miss him everyday. I'm counting down the days til I see him again, and the weeks until we get to be married. It's something new to me- this missing with a fairly sure certainty that I'll see him again. For a long time I missed my son with so much unknown. The goodbyes I said on that continent were full of uncertainty, and I had no foreseeable future with my little one other than a blind hope, and trust in a good God. So now, as God brings me into a new chapter of the story, I'm thankful for weeks to count, thankful for a sure date printed on a wedding invitation, thankful that I don't have to wonder if that goodbye was our last. In this world there are no guarantees, so I pray that every time I speak to him it ends in love. But still, this is definitely a different kind of ache in my heart. One that is mixed with much expectation.
I'm thankful that as we wait for the return of our Savior, we wait with a sure hope. There's a bigger ache because this world is not our home, but there is a guarantee and a certainty that He is coming back for us. And for that I am most thankful.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
filling minutes
by Alanna
I'm sure I've written this blog several times before. And if I haven't, then I should have. Two years ago at this time in March, I was filling South African minutes. Wishing that time would stand still, longing to replay the last 6 months and to never board that plane that took me far away from them all. There were many days of my time in South Africa that I took for granted. Days when I was exhausted and tired of preparing meds, days when I was homesick, days when I had zero patience for those wild toddlers. And then in those last weeks, I treasured the moments. I knew that this was all I had left, and I found immense joy in even the small things.
I have this bad habit of loving the past, longing for the future, and simply surviving the present. It's a consistent and debilitating mindset. For so long I wanted the past back, wanted to be with my little one again. Wanted to be loving those kids and playing in the African dirt. And the present was too often something to be endured, when my heart was months away. Lately I also find myself aching for the future. I'm ready to be the wife of this man I'm so in love with, ready to begin ministry and work and life lived together. I'm aching to be married, and these days I find myself wishing that time would skip ahead just a few months.
But now? I stand on the sidelines at my sister's soccer game- her last season I will be here for. I lay up on the hot roof with her, in this my last Colorado spring. I hold hands and walk with him my love- this our one and only engagement. I laugh with friends here in our living room, and bow heads together. I hug my brother- him growing up so fast and these our last times together. My youngest sister's prayers, the twins laughing, conversations with my mom. These things will never be replayed. Why do I close my eyes and my hands tight, and refuse these gifts of time? Why is my heart so discontent? I don't want to be this way anymore. We are meant to live with an eternal perspective, and I believe that means living this moment with God, rejoicing in His goodness and His love. There is never a time to take for granted, never days that should be merely survived. Time is a gift. Rejoice in the Giver.
I'm sure I've written this blog several times before. And if I haven't, then I should have. Two years ago at this time in March, I was filling South African minutes. Wishing that time would stand still, longing to replay the last 6 months and to never board that plane that took me far away from them all. There were many days of my time in South Africa that I took for granted. Days when I was exhausted and tired of preparing meds, days when I was homesick, days when I had zero patience for those wild toddlers. And then in those last weeks, I treasured the moments. I knew that this was all I had left, and I found immense joy in even the small things.
I have this bad habit of loving the past, longing for the future, and simply surviving the present. It's a consistent and debilitating mindset. For so long I wanted the past back, wanted to be with my little one again. Wanted to be loving those kids and playing in the African dirt. And the present was too often something to be endured, when my heart was months away. Lately I also find myself aching for the future. I'm ready to be the wife of this man I'm so in love with, ready to begin ministry and work and life lived together. I'm aching to be married, and these days I find myself wishing that time would skip ahead just a few months.
But now? I stand on the sidelines at my sister's soccer game- her last season I will be here for. I lay up on the hot roof with her, in this my last Colorado spring. I hold hands and walk with him my love- this our one and only engagement. I laugh with friends here in our living room, and bow heads together. I hug my brother- him growing up so fast and these our last times together. My youngest sister's prayers, the twins laughing, conversations with my mom. These things will never be replayed. Why do I close my eyes and my hands tight, and refuse these gifts of time? Why is my heart so discontent? I don't want to be this way anymore. We are meant to live with an eternal perspective, and I believe that means living this moment with God, rejoicing in His goodness and His love. There is never a time to take for granted, never days that should be merely survived. Time is a gift. Rejoice in the Giver.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
intentional parenting and making time
By Mary
With four friends due before the middle of June and three baby showers to attend within a month of each other, in addition to all my other friends with slightly older babies, toddlers and kids, I’m surrounded by the baby craze.
It’s fun to have all those months of planning and things to do (or dream of doing) before baby arrives. I like to look at the registries and see everyone’s style and ideas of what’s necessary. It’s fun to see how everyone fixes up the nursery for their new little one. I enjoy the showers with all the time that went into the decorations, food and games, and seeing every present someone picked out special for the baby on the way and the proud momma and daddy. It’s so fun to celebrate the new life just waiting to be presented to the world. (Oh, by the way, I went to a bring-your-favorite-childhood-book shower…best idea ever. I’m so jealous of this little girl’s library.)
So much thought and effort goes into it all and as a parent you’re excited, maybe a little apprehensive sometimes. And then that new little comes along. Earth shattering. I’ve yet to hear someone say it’s just a snappy little transition, no matter how easy-going a person they are, how much work they’ve done with babies or how easy a baby they were blessed with. It changes everything and at first that baby consumes everything-your thoughts, worries, energy, sleep.
It becomes so easy to lose that intentionality we had before they were born, that preparation, that thoughtfulness. And all of that stuff before they were born, it was just the fun accessories. Most of it was nowhere near being necessary.
I want to be a thoughtful mom. I don’t want to just get from A to B, from feeding to bathing to naptime to bed. I always have to catch myself to be aware of what I’m doing and maybe focus a little less on getting my girl presentably dressed and maybe even have her hair combed before we head out the door. Maybe focus a little more on building the relationship between us and the example I’m being.
And maybe I need to just slow down a little and recognize what’s important. I’m a stay at home mom and I’ve never been the type to fill my day with lots of activities and scheduled events. But I still need to remember that sometimes its worth it to take my hands out of the dishwater to hold her for a while when she raises her hands to me. Some days the laundry can sit in the washer a little longer so I can read a book to her instead of letting her flip through it by herself.
And when she tries to get out of naptime by snuggling down just right in my arms when I’m about to put her in the crib, maybe it’s not so bad to hold her a little longer and rock with her. And maybe an hour taken out of my day with her falling asleep on my chest is the very best part of it after all.
With four friends due before the middle of June and three baby showers to attend within a month of each other, in addition to all my other friends with slightly older babies, toddlers and kids, I’m surrounded by the baby craze.
It’s fun to have all those months of planning and things to do (or dream of doing) before baby arrives. I like to look at the registries and see everyone’s style and ideas of what’s necessary. It’s fun to see how everyone fixes up the nursery for their new little one. I enjoy the showers with all the time that went into the decorations, food and games, and seeing every present someone picked out special for the baby on the way and the proud momma and daddy. It’s so fun to celebrate the new life just waiting to be presented to the world. (Oh, by the way, I went to a bring-your-favorite-childhood-book shower…best idea ever. I’m so jealous of this little girl’s library.)
So much thought and effort goes into it all and as a parent you’re excited, maybe a little apprehensive sometimes. And then that new little comes along. Earth shattering. I’ve yet to hear someone say it’s just a snappy little transition, no matter how easy-going a person they are, how much work they’ve done with babies or how easy a baby they were blessed with. It changes everything and at first that baby consumes everything-your thoughts, worries, energy, sleep.
It becomes so easy to lose that intentionality we had before they were born, that preparation, that thoughtfulness. And all of that stuff before they were born, it was just the fun accessories. Most of it was nowhere near being necessary.
I want to be a thoughtful mom. I don’t want to just get from A to B, from feeding to bathing to naptime to bed. I always have to catch myself to be aware of what I’m doing and maybe focus a little less on getting my girl presentably dressed and maybe even have her hair combed before we head out the door. Maybe focus a little more on building the relationship between us and the example I’m being.
And maybe I need to just slow down a little and recognize what’s important. I’m a stay at home mom and I’ve never been the type to fill my day with lots of activities and scheduled events. But I still need to remember that sometimes its worth it to take my hands out of the dishwater to hold her for a while when she raises her hands to me. Some days the laundry can sit in the washer a little longer so I can read a book to her instead of letting her flip through it by herself.
And when she tries to get out of naptime by snuggling down just right in my arms when I’m about to put her in the crib, maybe it’s not so bad to hold her a little longer and rock with her. And maybe an hour taken out of my day with her falling asleep on my chest is the very best part of it after all.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
it's ok to be needy
by Alanna
I'm in the process of discovering that it's ok to be needy. It is good to be honest. Humility is of much more value than pride. For too long I've believed the lie that strength comes from independence. Or maybe I've valued dependence on God, but never understood how to translate that to people. I could blame America, this culture that places such high value on independence. But in the end it's me that has bought this lie.
"Bear one another's burdens" says Paul in Galatians. But how can we expect to bear someone else's burden, when we selfishly hide our own? The truth is that spiritual warfare is much easier fought when you're not off battling on your own. We're supposed to gird ourselves with truth in this battle (Ephesians 6), and sometimes we need to hear that truth from another. Isn't this what the body of Christ is for?
I'm learning that it's good in a relationship to ask for what you want. We are people created by God with needs- emotional, physical, and spiritual. And the beauty of the body of Christ, the beauty of relationships, is that we are to rely on each other. Depend on each other. It is only pride that keeps us silent and makes us "toughen up".
Of course there's a difference between being needy and being a complainer. All gifts are given by a good Father, and He should be thanked and praised, no matter how small or big we perceive the gifts to be. I want to be thankful, to rejoice. I need God's help- to meet others' needs in love, and to humbly admit that I am utterly dependent- on Him, and on His family.
I'm in the process of discovering that it's ok to be needy. It is good to be honest. Humility is of much more value than pride. For too long I've believed the lie that strength comes from independence. Or maybe I've valued dependence on God, but never understood how to translate that to people. I could blame America, this culture that places such high value on independence. But in the end it's me that has bought this lie.
"Bear one another's burdens" says Paul in Galatians. But how can we expect to bear someone else's burden, when we selfishly hide our own? The truth is that spiritual warfare is much easier fought when you're not off battling on your own. We're supposed to gird ourselves with truth in this battle (Ephesians 6), and sometimes we need to hear that truth from another. Isn't this what the body of Christ is for?
I'm learning that it's good in a relationship to ask for what you want. We are people created by God with needs- emotional, physical, and spiritual. And the beauty of the body of Christ, the beauty of relationships, is that we are to rely on each other. Depend on each other. It is only pride that keeps us silent and makes us "toughen up".
Of course there's a difference between being needy and being a complainer. All gifts are given by a good Father, and He should be thanked and praised, no matter how small or big we perceive the gifts to be. I want to be thankful, to rejoice. I need God's help- to meet others' needs in love, and to humbly admit that I am utterly dependent- on Him, and on His family.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
sleepless nights
By Mary
In the last 14 months, I've learned how precious sleep really is, one of God's constant, amazing, overlooked gifts. I try to remember to appreciate it, now that I fully enjoy my little one's 12 hour sleep schedule. It's not hard though since there's a baby boom in our church and I get lots of little reminders from my friend's sleep deprived nights.
But then there's nights like these with the baby sleeping sweetly in her crib, probably on her tummy with her knees tucked up, and the dog probably stealing my empty spot in our bed. Restless, emotional, mind-wearying nights. Nights that, in the end, I love. Prayer rarely feels so powerful to me as on these nights when a simple conversation with God brings peace flooding through every part of me within the first few words uttered in my heart.
I see so many examples in the Bible of devotion to prayer...in the Psalms, Daniel, Jesus! I love to read how much time He took to be alone to pray, after every crazy thing that happened, before everything that lay ahead, always. And it reminds me...it's such a blessing to pray! And whatever difficulties I have prioritizing it, in the end I'm always far better off. What a gracious God!
In the last 14 months, I've learned how precious sleep really is, one of God's constant, amazing, overlooked gifts. I try to remember to appreciate it, now that I fully enjoy my little one's 12 hour sleep schedule. It's not hard though since there's a baby boom in our church and I get lots of little reminders from my friend's sleep deprived nights.
But then there's nights like these with the baby sleeping sweetly in her crib, probably on her tummy with her knees tucked up, and the dog probably stealing my empty spot in our bed. Restless, emotional, mind-wearying nights. Nights that, in the end, I love. Prayer rarely feels so powerful to me as on these nights when a simple conversation with God brings peace flooding through every part of me within the first few words uttered in my heart.
I see so many examples in the Bible of devotion to prayer...in the Psalms, Daniel, Jesus! I love to read how much time He took to be alone to pray, after every crazy thing that happened, before everything that lay ahead, always. And it reminds me...it's such a blessing to pray! And whatever difficulties I have prioritizing it, in the end I'm always far better off. What a gracious God!
Monday, February 25, 2013
trusting my man
by Alanna
Let me just say that I don't recommend long-distance relationships, or long engagements. (Although it's helpful to have the first if you must have the second). My heart is more and more with my fiance. I'm impressed with the ways God is working in and through his life, and I can't help smiling because I feel incredibly blessed that God may let me be his help-meet someday. He is bold to speak the truth, to me and to others. And he is also kind and soft-spoken. And those two things combined in him, give me much to thank God for.
We have some big decisions to make, about what to do after marriage. Currently, we're deciding between Minnesota and Honduras. (The sun factor makes this sound like a no-brainer). I've been praying about it, and thinking, although not as much as my man. The thing I'm realizing is that I really believe that God wants me to marry him. And I also really trust that God put him into the position of leadership, and that whatever decision he makes will be the right one. Not that I believe that he is perfect, but just that I feel secure in trusting whatever decision he makes. This makes me happy, especially because sometimes I find submission to be immensely difficult (of course it's only hard when you don't agree). I'm glad tonight, because God gave me a man I can respect, and He gave me this trust that He is sovereign over marriage. I pray that He gives me the grace to love well, and gives us wisdom to follow Him together.
Let me just say that I don't recommend long-distance relationships, or long engagements. (Although it's helpful to have the first if you must have the second). My heart is more and more with my fiance. I'm impressed with the ways God is working in and through his life, and I can't help smiling because I feel incredibly blessed that God may let me be his help-meet someday. He is bold to speak the truth, to me and to others. And he is also kind and soft-spoken. And those two things combined in him, give me much to thank God for.
We have some big decisions to make, about what to do after marriage. Currently, we're deciding between Minnesota and Honduras. (The sun factor makes this sound like a no-brainer). I've been praying about it, and thinking, although not as much as my man. The thing I'm realizing is that I really believe that God wants me to marry him. And I also really trust that God put him into the position of leadership, and that whatever decision he makes will be the right one. Not that I believe that he is perfect, but just that I feel secure in trusting whatever decision he makes. This makes me happy, especially because sometimes I find submission to be immensely difficult (of course it's only hard when you don't agree). I'm glad tonight, because God gave me a man I can respect, and He gave me this trust that He is sovereign over marriage. I pray that He gives me the grace to love well, and gives us wisdom to follow Him together.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
rocking a baby
by Alanna
This past weekend I got to hold a recently born little boy, and he was restless. He would drift off to sleep for a few minutes, and look so peaceful, but then wake up again. I wonder if he would have slept better if I had just set him down somewhere. Or maybe he was just not sleepy.
I have vivid memories of South Africa, sitting in that little green rocking chair. I wanted to rock him to sleep, because I didn't want to part with him. And it was such a peaceful feeling to hold him near until his tiny body was at rest. But he was restless, and he always slept better after I laid him down in his crib. He needed sleep to grow strong, and so often I put him down sooner than I wanted to. Time is precious. And I never want to take moments for granted. Now, memories is all I really have.
But it reminds me, that sometimes we have to lay down our dearest loves, so that God can grow them strong. He is capable and trustworthy. I still think of him everyday, and my heart still aches. But I know, even in my ignorance, that God is doing something so beautiful and so right and so good in his life. A little over one year ago, I surrendered him to God for the first time. So I know, I've learned this lesson right? I'm so thankful that God taught me to lay little one down. Sometimes sacrifice is the very thing that God uses to build something beautiful. And I'm fully confident that whatever plans God has for that little boy, they are incredible.
This past weekend I got to hold a recently born little boy, and he was restless. He would drift off to sleep for a few minutes, and look so peaceful, but then wake up again. I wonder if he would have slept better if I had just set him down somewhere. Or maybe he was just not sleepy.
I have vivid memories of South Africa, sitting in that little green rocking chair. I wanted to rock him to sleep, because I didn't want to part with him. And it was such a peaceful feeling to hold him near until his tiny body was at rest. But he was restless, and he always slept better after I laid him down in his crib. He needed sleep to grow strong, and so often I put him down sooner than I wanted to. Time is precious. And I never want to take moments for granted. Now, memories is all I really have.
But it reminds me, that sometimes we have to lay down our dearest loves, so that God can grow them strong. He is capable and trustworthy. I still think of him everyday, and my heart still aches. But I know, even in my ignorance, that God is doing something so beautiful and so right and so good in his life. A little over one year ago, I surrendered him to God for the first time. So I know, I've learned this lesson right? I'm so thankful that God taught me to lay little one down. Sometimes sacrifice is the very thing that God uses to build something beautiful. And I'm fully confident that whatever plans God has for that little boy, they are incredible.
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